Accused of Cheating and You’re Not?

There are at least 4 causes for accusations of faithlessness when it is blatantly obvious cheating isn’t happen.
  1. Sometimes a spouse or partner accuses because they are cheating themselves.  By accusing you they blind you to the truth of their behaviors.  Or they may be considering cheating, so they are trying to convince themselves that it is okay because you are doing it.
  2. There may be a history which creates the fear of cheating.  Either you or your partner have cheated before on each other or past partners, or your partner has been cheated on.
  3. They are too controlling and possessive.  Because no one can control everything in another person’s life or own another, possessive people often accuse their partner of infidelity.
  4. They are hypersensitive (sometimes because of reason number 2.)  They may jump to the wrong conclusions about things like a project keeping you late at work or you being distracted by issues in your family.  They feel your disconnection, and assume it is cheating.
  5. They are looking for a reason to leave or disconnect themselves.  Sometimes a person doesn’t want to be the one to say “it’s over” and so they come up with a reason to leave.
get-to-the-point

So, to the point, what can you do if you didn’t cheat, but they keep insisting you were unfaithful?

  1. Take a close look at your relationship.  Is your partner controlling and possessive?  That isn’t a healthy relationship.  Is it possible he/she is cheating?  Is it possible they are really unhappy and don’t know any other way to say it?  Could you two be distanced by something that your partner is interpreting as unfaithfulness?  Address these issues.
  2. Look at your own behaviors.  Are you distancing or emotionally unavailable?  Do you communicate what is going on for you so your partner is aware?  Are you a flirt?  Do you give reason for your partner to be afraid?  Do you do things that enable your partner to think you could be cheating?  Talk with your partner about what things he/she is seeing which bother them and admit if you are doing them.
  3.  Understand there is nothing you can do to change your partner’s mind if they don’t want it to change.  If they can’t believe you when it is clear you aren’t cheating, this is a huge red flag!  The relationship needs major work, or you need to get out.
  4. Lastly, avoid the “f***-its”.  This is the thought “Well, I keep being accused of it, so f*** it I’m going to cheat.”  Don’t act out in frustration.  If you feel this way, then it is time to leave or get your partner into real relationship work with you.
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P.S.  Please use the comment block, not the feedback form, to talk about your experience with this issue.  The feedback form is for use only if you wish to actually work with me and have questions about that.  Thank you.

 

Comments

Tarryn

Dear Heathery,

I keep getting accused of being unfaithful, being accused of hiding cellphones in my private parts, getting accused of having people follow him, I’ve just recently found out that he had an affair with a family member…I keep quiet, I don’t say anything. How does a person react to a paranoid situation…how do you get to the bottom of a situation when you don’t know how it got there….I sit at home, I don’t visit family because he gets jealous….I don’t chat to people unless he’s okay with it….I’m just a singled out person who dances to his chants. He has 2 kids from 2 different women…the daughter I see almost every weekend…I treat her like she’s my own yet her dad looks at me like I’m this ATM that constantly has money to give her…just this past week she didn’t know how much she needed so I asked her to let me know and I’ll give her….her dad flipped and said I found it hard to give her (I’m completely confused because the daughter and i know what we discussed and arrangement)

I’ve been humiliated, sworn in public, threatened, God alone knows how many times I’ve been stabbed in the back by this man, and yet I still believe when he says he’s sorry and that he will change

I’ve brought this man up from nothing, he was a nobody, he had nothing, now that he has a good job, dresses well, now that I got him to see life through exclusive eyes, I became his punching bag, his doormat, his NOTHING

I have this funny feeling that because he doesn’t value my life, he will do anything to get me killed

I NEED HELP PLEASE ;-(

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Very Hurt

I have been in a relationship for about 1 1/2 years with a man I have known for 9 years. We love each other very much, but every time we go out, the next day there are issues. He can’t accept and move on from the past. He tells me he wants me to be honest with him, which I do. I have told him things about my childhood abuse, an exes abuse, and other men I have been with prior to us beginning this relationship. Last night we went out to our usual karaoke and a friend of ours sang a song about a woman lying. My bf said to me on my way to work it seemed funny that our friend chose that song and looked at me. Ok, I have the ability over people about what they chose to sing. Then he text me wanting to know who’s close were in a dresser drawer. I honestly didn’t know what he was talking about. These were my sons clothes out of my storage unit, that I just stuck in a drawer and forgot about. He said they weren’t there before when he looked in the drawer. He said some very hurtful things, accused me of fooling around on him, which I would never do. He said if I didn’t come clean it would be the last time I saw him. No matter what I said he still believes I am cheating on him. He said it would be ok if I was just straight with him. He says he loves me, but we need more than that. He was yelling at me, which he has never done before, he told me to shut up, which he has never done before. He was so angry, there has only ever once another time I saw him like that and we weren’t in a relationship at the time. He said he felt terrible saying he doesn’t believe me and it hurt him to say it, but he isn’t going to lie to himself. One night when we were laying in bed, we heard the man next door moaning, we just looked at each other and shook our heads. I brought it up one time and he denies it was him that was there. He said just tell him the truth, who was there and it would be ok. I was so upset then also. I don’t doubt for a minute that he loves me, but I can’t continue to be accused of something I am not doing. In my heart I feel he is the one cheating. They say and I know from a past experience, the one accusing is usually the one cheating.

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Nia

Hi me and my husband being married for 7 and half years..he also accused me for cheating.can anyone help me.tye truth I never cheat on because I love him very much.

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Djskar

Well my story is I met my current wife nearly 2 years ago at first when we were just getting to know each other I also went out with another girl and that night we kiss that was all my current wife found out a text from her and I was sincere with her and It’d her that nothing happen was just a kiss we have no plans of been together back then but she call the girl and told her that she was my girlfriend and the girl apologize and reform that nothing happen and was just a kiss.
Well time went by we got married and we been for over a year now the tricky part is I’m a professional truck driver and as all truck drivers have a bad reputation behind them
Now for the record I’m married and as a men of my word I honor my wife and respect her I promise her that nothing and nobody will get between us she’s older then me by 9 years I’m 34 but I’m not a person that have the heart of cheating what happen in the past was just because o was just getting to me meet new people and back then me and my wife hadn’t meet in person yet we met online by the way !
So now we have a house we have a life together but been that my job requires me to be away from home do about two weeks at the time I’m getting accused of cheating everyday wich I’m not I’m really devoted to our family and home working my ass off but all I get its accuse and blame for stuff I don’t do I really respect her
And honestly I have never cheated on any of my ex wich bothers me
Because she has a diferent picture of who I really am. The other days I was just fixing a load that I had just pick up on trailer and took me about 25 mins and she called me during that time period and got real mad telling have fun with who ever you at so on so on!! I called right back 6 times and explain her that I just left my phone inside truck while I was just securing the load but that didn’t leave anywhere!! So she didn’t pick my calls I get mad and I text her this it’s some dump shit!! I’m not doing nothing wrong !!
So been that she’s mad over that next day I did called her and she ignore me one more time so I was like fucked keep working we have bills to pay wich I pay everything I the house. But it’s not just this time it happens almost everyday I get accused so either she’s doing it or she it s just really jealous because of what happen?
I get home next day and I try to tell her that I respect her very much even that she looks at me like I got birches running behind my truck at every state I go!! But that’s not the true !
The true is that I got such of thight schedule that baverly get some sleep beetween pick ups and drops that it’s impossible even if I want it to hook up with some random girl… And like I said I just do t have the heart to do it now that I’m in a commitment . And I respect our marriage very much ..
So she tells me that if she’s gonna leave she will tell me in my face but I’m starting to think that’s what she really want to do but she depends so much on me that she just don’t. Do it so what I do?
May be she’s the one cheating ? And try to blame it on me or finding ways to justify?
I make good money and I talk to her for hours everyday I don’t know if she it’s just jealous or insecure because of the age diference! I love her. But I can keep busting my ass for this family and at the. End of the day I’m just the worst hubsband in the world!!

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Confused

I have been married for 3.5 years and ours was an arranged marriage. I had a bf 2 years before my marriage.
We didn’t break up but moved places and hence lost touch. Recently less than a week ago he got in touch with me through social media website after more than 6 years and we started chatting on watsapp. He kept saying he loved me but I didn’t have the same feelings and just wanted to be friends. I never said anything to him. My husband knows about him as I had told him before marriage. My husband read the messages and now thinks that I am cheating on him event though my friend leaves in a different country.
I have absolutely no idea how to convince him that I love only him and am not cheating on him.
Can anyone help?

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Jennifer

I came across this sight last night. I also, thought if I write my story I maybe can get light in my situation. Ive been married for 15 year with 2 wonderful boys.. I can say the only thing I didnt like about my marriage is hes like talking to the wall, and he is never wrong.. will never apoligize. Well, here I go.. He leaves for a work trip.. on the day he gets back he just says if you did something while I was away just let me know. Im like where is this coming from.I said no I never did anything. After that he started without my knowledge audio recording me. He would listen to it hours on in.aking things up that wasnt even on it..He would have is coworkers dissect the audio recording. They are like dude nothing is there. Well he continues about 4 more times bringing his friends over and listen to the audios over and over accusing me of having quiet sex with him in the other room.. also of having sex in front of our children. How sick is that. This very last time he admits to inviting his friends over and on purpose leaving us alone. He swears he saw by looking under the door that i blew, jacked and rode both of them with him looking under the door. Who in there right mind would do that to the person they love. Ive never cheated in my whole life even since I just started dating. He awears he can hear me doing vile things on the again audio.. I forgave my husband everytime picking up the pieces of my broken heart. This time its so bad he spent 300 dollars to send the audio off to a professional to get him to dissect it. I can swear promise on everything I didnt do anything. I leave with the kids for 3 days. He promises he trust me and hes sorry. So, I came back. When I come back he starts all over again.. saying you know you did it just admit .Im like I will not admit to something I didnt do!!!! Then then about a thousand times ask the question and the apoligizes and says sorry over and over again..He goes as far as calling me ano good cheating b!@#$. A whore, slut all in front of my kids. I feel hes telling my kids things behind my back. I find my own children are disrespecting me. At this point I feel so hurt lost heart broken again.. we went or I should say I went to councling twice. It didnt even feel like he was there.. He would never speak.. All he can say is I beleive you but I have to wait for the audio results to come back.. Hes been sleep walking.. Having nightmares.. Breaking out with horrible cold sores. Hes readimg my text spying on my phone calls just when Im on the phone with my family.. I cant take this much more ..non trust on his part. Im packing leavimg once again and he throws a baby fit and crys please dont leave. He knows how I say play with my heart strings.. I have a really soft heart and he plays on that big time. I know I stupid and should leave bit, for some stupid reason I continue to stay.. when I saw this site I was like wow. Maybe getting advice from a stranger I might open my eyes.. I have been crying and praying for 6 or 7 months for guidence.. Hes making me feel things I never even thought I could.. so Im like you know I always here the person who blames the other person is usually the one doing wrong.. He gets so defensive. To thw point hes screaming at me I told you Ive never cheated. I can ask once and he gets outraged. But he can grill me for months but thats ok.. someone please shine some light on there opinion on this.. I know im a strong woman..So, why is it I can bring myself to leave I ponder this all the time.. At this point in time I know I dont want to leave my 10 and 4 year old. They dont want to come with me. And I will not leave without them.. thankyou for listening..

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Sherry

The sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are guilty of themselves. They do this to deflect the attention from them.

Examples of this are

Accusing you of cheating
Accusing you of being dishonest or lying
Accusing you of talking about them
Accusing you of doing whatever it is that they are guilty of themselves
The sociopath has a bizarre ability to be able to make YOU feel guilty and feel like you have defend yourself… for things that he has done.

You see the sociopath, is actually fairly intelligent. He knows that whilst you are busy defending yourself, and proving your innocence, you will be confused, and will forget about the real issue, the truth that you are close to uncovering about the sociopath.

Bullshit Bingo
It’s all a game to the sociopath. Life is a game. With little inside themselves they spend most of their life playing stupid mind games.

Accusing you of things that they have done themselves, is something that they will do over and over again. The result for you, the victim is

Feeling confused
Feeling violated
Feeling misunderstood
Feeling unheard
Feeling guilty
Likely he will also say ‘everyone thinks, or says….’ – so you feel isolated too
Afterwards, after wasted hours, protesting your innocence, you think

How did that happen?

The truth is right there, you are relieved that the constant questions and accusations have stopped. There is peace again.

Once again, the sociopath has managed to manipulate the situation, and deflect blame back onto you. You have spent another few hours of your time, stressed, anxious and defending your corner.

You feel that yet again there was yet another problem that didn’t need to be there. Some other issue, that didn’t need to be there.

But for the sociopath, it isn’t like that. He is playing a game. Playing a game with your mind and your heart. There are two things that are important to the sociopath

Winning
Control
If you were to catch him out in a lie, he would neither win, or be in control. So he will do anything that he can do, to win the game, and control the game.

That is all that it is.

The sociopath probably doesn’t even realise the effect that this has on you. After all, he never thinks about your needs, and this is in terms of both good and bad things. He, like always is thinking about himself, not about you, your welfare or your needs.

It is all just a game. A stupid, mindless game. That could continue for the rest of your life if you let it.

Isn’t it time to move forward? To stop playing the stupid game with the sociopath, who could play forever. If you let him. The sociopath doesn’t feel too much, but he does feel satisfaction from

Winning
Being in control
Maybe right now it is time to stop playing the game. To finish the game. Stop playing. It is now time to focus on you. On your needs and your welfare. After all when you were with the sociopath, so much of your time and energy was wasted, defending yourself, and playing pointless mind games, nobody was taking care of your needs.

Endless stress and endless drama. that is the relationship with the sociopath. There comes a time, when the only thing to do, is to put in place no contact rules, stick to them, and focus on you, and loving yourself and creating your own beautiful world. A world where there isn’t someone constantly trying to pull you apart.

You deserve so much better:)

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    Cindy

    Thank you for posting really needed to hear/read this.

    Reply
    Dee

    Respect to sherry. This has to be the best and oh so true explanation of them all. I am actually done with men. Needless to say boys in big mens trousers.

    Reply
Tory

I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now, his past girlfriend had cheated on him and now he is accusing me of cheating but I let him go through my phone and I tell him everything but he still thinks I’m cheating and he doesn’t trust me with guys. I’m at a loss on what to do about this…

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Dominic

I live with my girlfriend for a long time. We own the house together. I NEVER would have expected or suspected her off cheating but after having sex with her I went to the bathroom to pee and I smelled like a condom. I had a vasectomy years back so I was shocked! I don’t know what to think, she actually sent me this link.

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    mary

    I basically think we all dont have to face all these deceit and lies from our spouse…in a case of mine wen i got sick and tired of all the lies and deceit i had to contact a friend of mine to get me the contact of one of the best hackers in the states ..then i met Mr jacob..He saved me from the lies of my cheating husband by hacking his phone..

    Reply
      trev snit

      Hi, how could i contact mr jacob?

      Reply
P

Thought I should vent here.I’ve been in a realationsp with my bf for nearly 5years now. We both love eachother I believe. Well the 5years wasn’t all rosey and I haven’t been perfect I have met guys behind his back but I have never slept with them. The problem I ddnt tell him of the guys I knew he would be mad as he believes if u are in a relationship u not supposed to have friends of opposite sex.I have a male colleague dat I liked so dearly as a friend and we have always called eachother babe or love we connect so much nd we give eachother advices he grew to be more like a brother to me. And we are not physically attracted to each other romantically now the problem is my boyfriend found our text message where we address eachother as love and he now believes I’m cheating with my colleague now he is questioning if he is an innocent friend why ddnt I tell him my reason is I ddnt tell him because I knew he wouldn’t approve of our friendship I love my bf a lot I also liked my friendship with my friend I don’t knw how to make him understand

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    james

    your bf is completely justified in his feelings,if your are that close with this college perhaps you should be with him. stop focusing your time and attention on that external male relationship and give your bf the attention he obv is lacking.

    Reply
    Hazrin

    You wouldn’t hide anything like that if you’re sincere to your boyfriend. Personal opinion, I really think you’re too much. Just imagine you’re on his shoe. Would you mind a girl called your boyfriend ‘hubby’ ‘baby’ ect. (:

    Reply
Stacey

I am so happy I found this website. I have been reading your posts, and know it’s not just me living in this twilight zone. I have been very confused and hurt to my core. He is my love from a long time ago. Over a decade later we found each other again. I felt this was our chance to build a beautiful fun life together. My details have turned into what many of you are experiencing. It happened out of no where and from that point never stopped. I had to cut him out of my life at this point which has been so hard because I am in love with him. I know I don’t deserve this and he obviously will not change. Think to yourself… How long do we have on earth? No one knows. Do you want to spend it scared, nervous, under a microscope and isolated? Not allowed to just be you and be happy? I still love him now, but I can’t suffer for his trust issues. Thank you for giving me strength and hope I made the right choice. I have been struggling and crying for months trying figure out what the hell is going on. Just a waste of love we had… It could have been amazing. He doesn’t see that far. I pray God holds his hand in the darkness since he cannot see. There is nothing I can do now but pray.

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    Maxy

    Stacey. I’m going through the same exact thing and feelings. It’s so hard.

    Reply
PJH

My husband & I have been together since 1987, married in 90, had 2 children, one in 89 and the other in 91. I did cheat during our marriage in 94. It was very short lived and was a drunken, stupid mistake that I have taken total responsibility for. I believed he too was cheating with his ex-wife, lead to believe this by his family, not that this was an excuse but at the time I was a vengeful person. My husband caught onto the cheating and I admitted to it. I didn’t deneigh it. It took awhile but we made it through my indisgresion. He swore he hadn’t cheated and I believe him. I lost my mother in 2007 and made the decision to follow her wishes for my future (very late in life) to return to school. I began school within 4 weeks after major back surgery. After being in school for a year my husband started acting suspicious and jealous. Anyone who has been to college knows it requires alot of time, study groups, home work, computer work, library trips, extra credit siminars to attend, ect. Of course college also offers fun times too, football, baseball and basketball games, student assemblies, picnics, etc. all of which I invited my husband to attend with me, some I wasn’t aware of until the day of. After 2 years of school I was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 4. Although I don’t recall, my husband insist I totally withdrew from him. He insist I turned my back on him.I loved him more than life, I remember him being my rock, taking total care of me, telling me he would gladly take my place. He didn’t know if I would make it or not, I knew I would. I had no doubt I would survive. I was sick, very very sick, tired and out of it but I don’t remember withdrawing from him. We had a couple that was good friends, at least she was, he was good to his friends, not to his family, he is an abusive bastard. Their 3 daughters were like our own. I despise the man. The only reason we ever put up with him is so she could get out of the house and be around people. The only way this guy has friends is to buy them. Now my husband has come up with this grand idea that this horrible man and I are having an affair. NO WAY IN HELL! My husband has become addicted to pain killers in all this mess. I think the pain killers has made him delussional. He has come a long way in recovering from the pain meds but the accussations have not gone away. He has become very abusive, verbally. One week we are fine and life is grand, we snuggle at night, hold hands sitting in the car and walking in the store, the next week he is totally ignoring me, sleeping in the granddaughter’s room, telling me he can’t stand being around me. Telling me how I discuss him. Talking about how I let this other man put his hands all over me, raping me, and how I need to admit to myself all the problems I’ve had as a child. What? We talked to a theropist once. She didnt say what he wanted to hear so we didn’t go back. Now he tells me we need to go to theropist again but go seperately to different theropist. I agree we need a theropist but shouldn’t we have a common theropist? Someone that will work with each of us seperately and together? I love this man, he is the father to our 4 children, we have been to hell and back numerous times and have had eachother’s backs, but I am crying all the time, I have had my antidepressants upped twice. Should I admit to something I didn’t do and try to give him something to move on from? Should I stay with the truth and let him keep hating me because he thinks I am lyeing to him?

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    Juliet

    You never admit to something you didn’t do! My husband and I were together 27 years married 25 I put up with his verbal and mental abuse a long time trying to save our marriage! According to him I was seeing a married man and one day he punched me in the face so I left and he said to me if you ask me for forgiveness I will give you another chance, everybody tells me you better not do it, what they don’t realize is that I am not that stupid even though I loved him and he wasn’t always mean to me I would rather leave with my dignity, the mistake you made was cheating on him in the first place but I think you said he did too! Any way I will never admit to something I didn’t do! I was a good wife and his insecurities broke us apart it’s his loss! I no longer love him but still care about him!

    Reply
    Onelove

    Im very sorry. Reading your dialogue it is very alike my life.but in my perspective as in your husband and my wife in yours.

    Reply
Rachel

Hello,
My husband and I have been together for 7years and we have four beautiful children together. He has cheated on me in the past, at beginning of our relationship when i was 3months pregnant with our first child. For almostour entire relationship I have been accused of cheating on him, i NEVER HAVE! According to him i have slept with the bartenders where i have worked, i have slept with any guy i have said even two words to on Faceboo ( which i no longer have because of his trust issues, my messages go straight to his phone for my Facebook) . He makes “something” out of nothing and says i was being shady. For example, i said i was going to the store for just accouple of things and since i decided to get more than i anticipated, then that was shady behavior on my part and i deceived him. Another example, he wanted to leave the house to cash his check, since i forced him to take our two oldest children and i called him while he was gone to see how long he would ve (becausedinner was aalmost done) he then said i was trying to see how much time i would have before he got back so i could have someone over. While im here with our two yougest children, a nnewborn and 18month old. I am a stay at home mom so i am home all day with our children ages 5-newborn. He is always bringing up things from the past and present and says i was shady and i cheated on him. Every situation he brings up could look shady but it truly wasnt. Well not all, some situations. If i get mad bc i am simply tired of being wrongfully accused, then i am defensive bc i did it! If i say ” screw this im not even talking to you about this anymore bc it didnt happen” then i dont even care so im guilty. I have tried countless times to sit him down and tell him this is all in his head and i would never cheat on him or hurt him and how much i love him and it doesn’t do me any good. I get called a liar. I say ” if you really think i have done this to you then why r you with me”? I have offered countless times to take a lie detector test to prove my innocence, and he says ” im such a good liar that i can make myself believe i have never cheated and so i could easily pass a polygraph. He alsi tends to completely make up things that i have said or didn’t say, that I did or didn’t do. He also says he bets our last two children arent his, but he doesn’t act that way, and of course they are his . I constantly have to watch what i do or say bc i know he will start up again.how i am obviously cheatingon him. I have given him eeverything he asks for, i always answer my phone, i take pictures of where im at…i just dont know what else to do. There is abuse called GASLIGHTING, i swear he does this to me. I am miserable constantly defending myself for things i have never done. I really dont know what else to do, we cant afford therapy, any advice would be great. Thank you

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    Mayra

    Sorry i cant give u any advice, but ur story is exactly like mine . We have been married 7 and since dating 10 yrs. Today he asked me if i was willing to do a dna test on the kids.. like really?? We have been separated aince july 1st. I cant take it anymore. Its been going on constantly for 5mths

    Reply
Rachel

Hello,
My husband and I have been together for 7years and we have four beautiful children together. He has cheated on me in the past, at beginning of our relationship when i was 3months pregnant with our first child. For almostour entire relationship I have been accused of cheating on him, i NEVER HAVE! According to him i have slept with the bartenders where i have worked, i have slept with any guy i have said even two words to on Faceboo ( which i no longer have because of his trust issues, my messages go straight to his phone for my Facebook) . He makes “something” out of nothing and says i was being shady. For example, i said i was going to the store for just accouple of things and since i decided to get more than i anticipated, then that was shady behavior on my part and i deceived him. Another example, he wanted to leave the house to cash his check, since i forced him to take our two oldest children and i called him while he was gone to see how long he would ve (becausedinner was aalmost done) he then said i was trying to see how much time i would have before he got back so i could have someone over. While im here with our two yougest children, a nnewborn and 18month old. I am a stay at home mom so i am home all day with our children ages 5-newborn. He is always bringing up things from the past and present and says i was shady and i cheated on him. Every situation he brings up could look shady but it truly wasnt. Well not all, some situations. If i get mad bc i am simply tired of being wrongfully accused, then i am defensive bc i did it! If i say ” screw this im not even talking to you about this anymore bc it didnt happen” then i dont even care so im guilty. I have tried countless times to sit him down and tell him this is all in his head and i would never cheat on him or hurt him and how much i love him and it doesn’t do me any good. I get called a liar. I say ” if you really think i have done this to you then why r you with me”? I have offered countless times to take a lie detector test to prove my innocence, and he says ” im such a good liar that i can make myself believe i have never cheated and so i could easily pass a polygraph. He alsi tends to completely make up things that i have said or didn’t say, that I did or didn’t do. There is abuse called GASLIGHTING, i swear he does this to me. I am miserable constantly defending myself for things i have never done. I really dont know what else to do, we cant afford therapy, any advice would be great. Thank you

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S

I am fed up of constantly accusing my husband of cheating, it has to stop!
I am looking forward to reading up and hopefully accessing some of the services that this site has to offer. Many thanks.

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jennifer lopez

i have a 3 year old daughter with this guy and for a year already ive been acuused of cheating with as many as 10 different guys and he sends me videos on my phone of pornhub saying it was me i dont know if its a way to justify that maybe hes addicted to porn. he accuses me when we are on the phone saying im breathing hard or i sound like im scared to talk. hell text me at work and tell me im following him in so and so car and that its my fault and tos top following him. when im clearly at work. hell randomly text me tell me to quiet down that im being to loud insinuating that he can hear me with some guy and im clearly in bed with my daughter. hell text me telling me he finally found who its been all along i just dont know what to do anymore he stays away but im scared one day hell come around

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    A man seeking answers

    Ok anyone can help please do…. Today my gf of almost 12 yrs two kids went to take a lie dectector test,and failed. So back when let’s say the first couple months we started dating there was an awkward moment between my, me ,my bestfriend and hers. We staying a a circle just talking when the conversation between the group was now only between my gf and my bestfriend. As me and her bestfriend were kinda watching from the outside in for some reason my gf looked up and down at my bestfriend. A scroll up and down slow enough to make it awkward. Not only was I aware of it but her bestfriend had the same look I did. So after we all parted way I confronted her about it and was quickly shut down with a no that never happened. So from here I was a lil skeptical about our new relationship. To add….before us I mean like 6 months before I was cheated on. Had to let u know that has a big impact on my trust issues and kinda helps see the big pic. Back to the story.so a couple years pass and this is where I loose it. My gf, my cousin, and I were relaxing at my My house or actually it was a studio so not so big.me and my cousin were playing a video game while my gf was cleaning up the house. I had to go to the restroom my gf was already close to the system so I ask her I she can change the game we’ll I went to take a piss. So I go the the bathroom I finish going pee I turned on the water to wash my hands as just put my hands in the water I remember to tell my gf which game so I walkout to tell her leaving the water running cause I wasn’t finish washing. As I’m walking out I have to turn right the enter the living room I see my gf on her knees and my cousin standing right beside her. And letting u know this happened really fast. When I turned and seen them he jumped back with a scared shitless face and my gf had the same reaction. So I’m boiling inside and for some stupid reason I didn’t confront them. We sit down watching tv in silence then he says he has to go. So still boiling we say bye he leaves. As soon as the door closes I immediately ask her what that was about. And got the same response as the other one and was told nothin happened. I asked then what’s up with the reaction. She denies there being a reaction then get answerd with what relation nothin happened. So from here on out we had problems after problems . Life seemed so unfair. Most of the time I’m beating myself up for not saying anything. But shit happens and sometime nothin happens. So years pass again never did I drop it so I always made sure she knew I would never forget that. So more arguing ended up with her admiring there was a reaction but her reaction wasn’t because she was doing something wrong but she was reacting to him and why he reacted like that. So that was that for the reaction part hasn’t changed since the second time. Ok so more arguing continues over the years oh and she admitted to kinda flirting with my bestfriend in the beginning of the story. But now she kinda take it back cause she feels like she wasn’t but when I tell her if I was in that situation would u feel the same way. So going back to the other. So more argue meants go on and it’s already branded in my head that she was doing something she shouldn’t of. I tell her my main problem is their reaction and why was she still on her knees when I had the chance to take bathroom break. Not sure if u guys know how quick it is to change games nowadays but it’s not longer than a man piss. The last problem being that she was way to close to him especially her being on her knees while he stands a inch or two away. Now she says she was changing the game he came up to her and started to talk to her. That’s is that’s all that happened. Again lots of arguments but that’s as far as it goes nothin changed we still saying the same shit. And of course I acuused her from there till today of cheating on me and with about anyone I see something awkward or too friendly. I’m spinning right now. So now back to her failing the lie detector. I don’t know what to do. In all honesty I love her she’s helped me through a lot she looks me dead in the eyes some time peaceful most time yelling that she has never cheated on me. I’ve never left just on the fact that I love her and don’t want to make a mistake on leaving the right one. Just those two incidents are ripping us apart and being the reasons why I blow up and can’t let myself just be happy. I was really hoping and believing that she would of walked in and threw the test in my face tell me that I was wrong the whole time. I was ready and willing to take that all in and also try to make those years up.another reason and maybe the main reason now I don’t want her to leave is cause of my kids. Plan and simple I don’t want them to be hurt my actions or my gf. I don’t want to split up a family or possibly have them calling another man their dad. I love waking up everyday to my kids. And to point out she is a great mother I wouldn’t want them to have anyother woman in the world to take her place as their mom. Well I just wanted to as a couple of questions on what I should do but it ended up a lifetime story. Women preferably cause I would like a females perspective on this but any help would be appreciated. Reading all these story was a big reason why I am so confused women on her seem like they might be accused of the kinda the samething sound so hurt and exhausted trying prove their innocence. Pretty much all of u sound like u are telling the truth. Please any advise or someone else’s perspective will really Mean a lot

    Reply
      Juliet

      First of all I don’t believe lie detectors are full proof I think you can be nervous taking one even if you are innocent! Although she acts a bit suspicious at times don’t accuse her get proof and don’t be paranoid things reveal themselves eventually! Don’t waste you time being mad and fighting life is too precious and short! And if you do find out for sure she is cheating then she is not worth the sadness and grief then find yourself someone who will love and respect you the way you deserve and always be there for your children but don’t stay in a relationship of no love and respect your children will suffer mine did!

      Reply
      Bing

      Leave already life is too short.

      Reply
    Ti amo

    My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years, i found out i was pregnant and he took the news really well. But now, hes saying im a whore and sleeping with everyone i lay my eyes on. He swears hes not the father to my baby and i “need to find someone else to father this child” because according to him, i sleep with so many people so i have no idea who the father is. Now, i was 14 when i met him. I lost my virginity to him, he was my first kiss, and the first person ive ever held hands with, but to him im just a nasty whore. Ive been nothing but faithful to him for two full years, i dont even talk to other males. Im starting to think he’s really unhappy about our child, or hes cheated on me in the past, or present. I just know i cant handle being accused anymor, when ive done NOTHING wrong.

    Reply
      Rach

      Hi i know what you are going through i have a 4 year old from previous relationship and a 5 month old with my husband n pregnant again by my husband he calls me everything under the sun and keeps accusing me of cheating men obviously do not realise our hands are full with kids sorry wen do we find time to cheat even though i wouldnt i love him dearly i know its hard amd is upsetting i have decided to isolate myself from alot of people and now feel down coz i have done that lost good friends but they obviously have trust issues or they are cheating themselves it all takes time if it dont solve best thing to do is go ur own ways for sake of all ur healths n also so ur child dnt pick up on it as it can affect them aswel i know its hard but u will do what u think is right

      Reply
STEPHANIE

Ok, here it is i met my now husband seven years ago. He was married we worked together. We were best buds. We talked about everything…he chased me for four years and i wouldn’t do anything with him because of the fact he was married and my father was cheated on by my mother alot… and so my father raised me that there is nothing classy about it. so I told my husband that if he wanted me he would do it the right way and ask me on date when he was single. So two years later he divorced his wife.. Now here is where i feel things started going wrong i found out that during his divorce he was telling is now ex things to get things he wanted out of the divorce. So that explained why she would show up at my house screaming things. Then found out he was calling people on my phone bill and tracking me and yet he was riding around with another women drinking beer til one in the morning. Then when asked he would lie or say well we werent really together so didnt think i needed to tell you. Well he came to me and asked if i could help him try meth he was curious and every part of me was against it because i knew the darkness of it… well i did and then for now two years ive watched it turn a loving gentle caring man who i fell madly in love with to a man i despise and hate..i have found so many things leading me to believe he is or has cheated. but now because i found things in his email and history on yahoo it looks as though im the one cheating and im not. im not ready to walk away or give up but what do i do?

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Goji

It’s good to know that I’m not the only one. I know my comment will be buried here but I just want to write this down and let my frustration out.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now, in the beginning, it was perfect, I thought I found someone who I can spend the rest of my life with and have a family together. He would text me all day and all night. Send me roses to work and take me to places where I’ve never been. Then gradually it started….. He would question me, where I’ve been, who I’ve seen. Why I stare at guys on the street. Why I wear makeup to work, who am I trying to impress. Then he would ask me to take videos and pictures of places I’ve been to. He would smell me whenever I get home. He says, I smell very different than usual when I’m at home. I must be having an affair at work. Why else would I smell different? He would monitor my phone calls and text messages. He has all of my passwords to everything I have. I show him proof and work emails that I have meetings and work parties. I face-time him whenever I’m with friends. I text him constantly at work. I don’t take breaks and eat in the office where I would text and face-time and record videos of myself. But it still wasn’t enough. He thinks I have someone else. Even though, I shower him with gifts to make him happy, I support him financially, because he doesn’t work and he is always on poker websites (thinking he will hit it big one day). He has two children with two different other women before me. But I didn’t mind and supported him when he going through a custody battle. But no. It wasn’t enough. Even after everything I’ve done for him, it still doesn’t prove that I never cheated on him. Sometimes, I feel I want to end it all to prove my love to him. That he is the only one for me. Maybe this one last step, it would make him realize that I was honest and faithful to him all along….

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    Mike

    Please don’t, he has a problem not you. You sound like a very dedicated and understanding woman. Don’t let some twisted guy who doesn’t appreciate you destroy your self worth, not to mention your daughter. If my girl knew that I wrote this she would put me through hell so please don’t ever think ending it all is an option to prove love.

    Reply
    Nicole

    You need to go!!!!! ASAP

    Reply
    Jul

    Get out! He is obviously a complete loser! That type of control is very stressful and dangerous as well and care more about yourself than that my girl! What good would ending it all do you would be gone and he would just move on and find someone else to torture! Be careful!

    Reply
Brandy

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years married for 8 years. We have had ups and downs in our releationship but we always have worked through it. We both have some trust iusses with each other but being accused everyday of cheating is really hurting our relationship and I’m at my breaking point. We have 2 daughters and a l!title boy on the way which he says is not his. Im not cheating on him but no matter what I say or do he will not believe me. It’s even gotten to the point were he records everything I do everyday while he is at work and then insists he hears a guy laughing or yawning and so on. I have not or would not ever bring another man into the home that me and my husband have made together. He wants a DNA test done when the baby is born and without a fuss I’ve agreed hoping that would convince him that I’m not cheating. Ive even offered to take a lie detector test to prove my innocence but that still does no good. This is affecting our marriage in a huge way and im scared it will lead to a divorce. Until I have the lie detector test done and the baby is born and a dna test is done which both will prove my innocence I dont know what to do? Everyday is a non ending fight and I dont know if I should just deal with it the best I can until we have the tests done or leave? I dont want my marriage to end but I also don’t know if I can handle another day of fighting and being put down and constantly defending myself. If anyone has been in this situation and has any advice on what I should do I would greatly appreciate ur advice.

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    Nicole Robinson

    I am in the same boat as you! I am so tired of the comments the slide remarks! It’s to the point that we can’t watch something about cheating or even talk about a situation that involved cheating because I have to hear a sermon about going to hell and answering for your wrong doings. I love my husband but I feel like a foot is on my chest and I want to breath. Tonight at dinner he told me he doesn’t love my heart anymore he used to. So pretty much he is not in love with me and I need to go. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    Reply
    Cindy

    No matter if you take the lie detector or dna, he will cont to find other ways to accuse you. Leave as fast as you can!

    Reply
    Juliet

    I agree with Cindy! No matter what you do nothing will ever change I did the lie detector thing stood by his side for many years or should I say wasted many years! Because I loved him and didn’t want my marriage to end! You see the problem is not yours it’s his! By the way all this fighting and sadness will affect your children for life! Do yourself and your kids a favor get out and give your family peace!

    Reply
    Jay

    DONT EVER TAKE A POLYGRAPH TEST. I took one for my wife to finally prove my innocence after 22 years and 5 kids. I figured I go in and tell the truth what can go wrong. Well it went wrong!!!! Really wrong!!!! It showed deception on 3 levels. When I got back home my wife wouldn’t talk to me and I would probably feel the same not knowing anything about it at the time but I knew I told the truth so then I started researching and come to find out that more innocent people are falsely accused then anything. For every one guilty guy they catch 10 innocent people are falsely accused. My wife is proceeding with a divorce and to make matters worse she sent dirty picture to a lawyer in the wrong state to try and get divorce papers which tells me she really isn’t thinking straight. She has some other deep mental issues that I won’t get into. Her entire family including her only sister 3 brothers mother and father and her 2 oldest sons 1 19 and 1 14 all know that she is having a mental break down and won’t listen to reason and its this polygraph test that did it. I also think she is cheating on me now because I have found thong underwear that she has worn and she hasn’t worn them in a long time not to mention she will leave for hours at a time only telling my daughter where she is but that don’t mean she’s telling her the truth either. I get the heart break from her thinking rhis tert is right but I tried to show her the truth about them “anti polygraph” look it up it might just save you your family. Anyway inwas always faithful to my wife and will be. I just don’t know what else I can do at this point. She is hell bent on divorce.
    I am destroyed.

    Reply
Red G

My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years. He’s always insinuated that I cheat, I never have. Got tired of his accusation and started to build supportive people around my kids and I and my husband singled one person and is convinced I’m having an affair with this person.

Today he took my girls and swung by this persons house, talked to him for 10 minutes while the girls when in the car, came back into the car and told my teenage daughter, 7 year old and 4 year old “That’s the man your mother is having an affair with.” I was in complete shock!

Regardless whether or not, a person should NEVER say that to a child. Oh…One more thing he thinks that there are many more that I’ve had affairs with and have called ever person on my phone list who are parents to our children’s friend’s. How embarrassing is that? He thinks he’s right in doing this and oh I forgot add that he wants to sue the therapist I’ve been going to for nearly three years because he think he violated my right and convinced me to do this.

Emotionally exhausted and ready to leave.

I will never let him instill fear in my life again.

In the end my children and I will be happier and calmer once he finally moves out.

Good luck to you all. I can only say that things will get worse if your spouse does not recognize his/her insecurity. Stay safe, stay strong and best of luck to you all.

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    R

    I am feeling like reading my own story here. We been married for almost 23 years now. I do not know where to begun. My husband thinks I had an affair with one of our customer. He read few of the emails we exchanges, which were not the complete emails, just the half of our conversation, becs he used to come to our store. I was never attracted to him or had any kind of feelings whatsoever. He was not even my type, way older than me. But I always found him funny and entertaining, he made laugh with his funny stories and for that reason I used to talk to him. I showed my husband few emails he sent me . He thinks that a man and woman can not be friends. We have totally different thinking. I can be friends with men and women , no problem. In one email this guy said something bad which even I did not like , I told him he should not say things like this, and he said he misunderstood me and wanted to see how I react . And he also apologize to me and said this will never happen again and I was ok with that. Other than this this guy never behave badly or did anything wrong. I wanted to give him a benefit of doubt. After all we are all human beings, people make mistakes. Everyone deserve second chance. But since he read those emails, my husband , went to his house showed all the emails to his son and even told my kids and his family , my family and his friends that I am having affair. No one believed him , becs it is not true. What make’s me mad is after 2 years he is still accusing me of having an affair and saying bad things which I never thought I can hear in my lifetime from my husband . He is making my and my daughters life miserable. I tried everything nothing works. Now he accuse me of having affair with every person I smiled with. Feel like I am a prisoner. My daughter is 15 , and she is going through hail becs of our fights. He starts anywhere. His mood change anytime. I am scared to live with him. I loved this man so much. never thought about myself in my entire like, and that person is accusing me of cheating . I know even I leave him I will always think about him. Since he saw the emails he is keeping eye on me like a hawk. I always felt he never care about me, Only thing he did good is make money which I do not care. He never made me happy the way I wanted him. He is a good father, but was never a good husband. He never gave me what I wanted but I always loved him. At this point I do not know where I stand, I do not want to talk to him, I do not feel connected, how I can love some one who has treated me so terribly. He is kind of a person who judge people very easily. That is why I can not talk to him about everything. He asked me why I did not tell him about the things this guy said. I did not becs I new he is not going to solve the problem but all he will do is to increase the problem and that what he did. He has destroyed our lives, and still he is not getting it. Sometimes I feel like killing myself but than I think about my parents I do not want them to go through this pain, they are very old .I always made compromises for him , but when it came to understand me a little bit he failed. Just because of he can not be friends with women he thinks having friendship with apposite sex is bad. Because of his own insecurity he is making our lives hail. The person he accused me of having affair , I haven’t in touch since the day he asked me to stop talking to him. I get so mad when he says things, I can not even describe. I always hated people like him and now I am struck with one of them. Feels like if I live with him I will go insane, but then I think of our daughters and do not want to leave. But at this point I have no strength left not mentally or physically.
    Do not know what will happen tomorrow. All I want is live our life peacefully and happily without any drama.

    Reply
Heather

I have been dealing with so much during my relationship. When my partner and I starting seeing one another she was in the process of leaving a long term relationship. I asked her if she was out of it completely because I did not want any drama and she reassured me her relationship with her x was over but that was far from the truth she was flip flipping between the both of us and we all were hurt because of it. Eventually I wasn’t sure I could even love her again but ibgave her one last chance and she propo sad to me and said she wanted to be in my life and me in hers. She had continued tobtalj to her x and have her work number to her and talks fe in their who known how often? Now she is accusing me of cheating and I don’t have a car so I don’t get out much….I volunteer 4 times a month. She keeps insisting at looking through my phone. ..She just blocked me from facebook….yet she says she lives me and can’t wait to marry me. I am to a point I don’t belive that and she is accusing me of cheating. I don’t have many friends. I do get onnky phone I do read alit of articles online….I just don’t get it!

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Alison

Hi,
Ok I’m going to try and keep this short so those of you who know, know the emotions go in hand,

I have been with my partner for 21yrs, I meet him when I was 18, I trusted him with all my heart, until……
I found out he had come onto my mum 6 weeks after we had a second child,
Two… Our relationship starting falling and instead of us trying to find ways to improve he went out and slept with a 17yr old.
We 5 yrs on are still dealing with our problems and our relationship is improving, but whenever we argue and this gets mentioned in the moment he now says that he thinks i have or is cheating on him and that he has always thought it,
I have never cheated nor want to and i can’t understand why he is turning this on me, I know he lives with shame and guilt and is truly sorry for his poor choices but why after all this time working it out is he accusing me of cheating? Can’t help to wondering if this is stage 3.

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    Jul

    Girl! Kids or no kids he would have made a move on my mother I would have canned him! What a scumbag not to mention being with a little girl! Leave him you deserve better!

    Reply
Liz

My ex n I had so many issues because of this. He accused me of cheating on him when I really didn’t. I had some bruises on my legs near my knees n he automatically thought it was another’s man’s thumbs during sex. He couldn’t see a single mark on me cuz it was a hickie. Since than it was trust issues all the way. I never did anything he accused me of. Our relationship was great n perfect until we decided to move in to another apartment. But when he lived with me, none of this was happening. N now as we speak, its to the point where he ignores me n wants me out of his life. Obviously there was problems in between but everything happened because of the whole cheating situation. I didn’t know how to convince him I never cheated. But he’s over the situation but now it’s like I don’t exist to him.

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    Maya

    I been knowing my child’s father since I was 15 (7 years), we been together for a year. My relationship has turned. He thinks im cheating on him but I really do love him. I can’t get him to believe me. He comes home at 2 or 3 in the morning, and think it’s ok. No man should stay out all night. If anyone should feel some type of way it should be.. I wanna fix my relationship but it’s not getting better it’s getting WORSE!!!

    Reply
      Jen

      Sorry; but it sounds like HE’S cheating on YOU.

      Reply
    Clair

    My story with my ex is similar to yours except that he would get verbally and sometimes psychically abusive with me. I did everything i could to assure him, from giving him my passwords to cutting contact with all my guy friends. But I guess his mind was already set on believing im a cheater since day 1.

    He was a very possessive and insecure man. Its been 3 months since i broke up with him, and he is still taunting me with false accusations. Even at this moment right now, hes calling me a whore.

    I was 100% faithful to him throughout our relationship but he probably thinks its too good to be true. Its his problem then, for making himself angry over nothing. I used to be affected by it but now i refused to take any crap i dont deserve.

    Theres no point convincing someone like that. It would only be a waste of time and emotions. These sort of men will always believe what they want to believe. We are better off without them.

    Reply
    Glen

    I wish I could advise on an answer to your problem as mine is the same. Now I have to watch a woman I love and adore walk away from me. Silly thing is I know she loves me but wont talk to me. I need a Valium.

    Reply
    Nicole

    Wow! I was in almost the exact situation. We never lived together, but we were together almost all the time. I was accused of bruises being sex marks and so many insane things. I never even THOUGHT about cheating on him. I love him w/ all my heart, but a week ago he decided he doesn’t want me in his life anymore BECAUSE I CHEAT!!! He went from wanting to be w/ me every moment to not wanting anything to do w/ me. He won’t talk to me at all. He ignores all my attempts to talk to him. I don’t understand how that happens. Now I am sitting here heartbroken over a man who left me for things I never would’ve done!! I am so confused.

    Reply
BrokenHeart

Dear all,

I am in a situation where I dont know what to do and I dont know which door to knock to help me.

I am married since 2007 and after one i got a daughter, me and my wife were happy. and since then as in every couple there is some ups and down i presume, in our married relationship also there were some minor and major ups and down which could be dealt about.

But then after 5 five year of marriage, my wife started doubting me on hear and say of other people. Me I know have never been unfaithful to my wife. I have always loved my wife and I can tell that when I am married, I am married to only one who is my wife and there will be never another one in my life.

But my wife always blame me and abuse me that I have an affair with someone and at each every dispute that we have she associate me to that person and abuse me. Me i was very hurt the first time when she accused me. At that time I was working hard for my family and when I used to return home late all the time she accused me that I am having an affair and that I am meeting someone. She didnt realised that I was working hard for my family.

The most hurtful thing is that she always associate me with a lady. That lady was just a friend of mine and me i know since i got marriage, 2007, i have never contacted that lady nor talked to her.

Since 2013, my life is being painful. In several circumstances I tried to explain to her that i have never been unfaithful to her, she calm down and when we get small small dispute she started abusing me.

I dont want to loose her, i dont want our relationship to break just because of her imagination.

In 2015 we got a son, I thought now she’ll be ok and that we will live happily, but no. Just after 2 her delivery I found a small device in my bag which is used for espionage. I was very angry and hurt also. I questioned her about that, and tried to explain to her that I am faithful to you so why all these.

Till then there has been small small disputes which again she abuse me and blame me.

In december, I was about to go abroad for 7 days for work. She wanted to come along with me, which I had refused because i was going for working purposes and it would be odd as my company was sending me there. Even if she would go there, I would be distant and would not be able to go along visit places with her.

When I had refused one week before going abroad, she called me when I was working and started abusing me and telling me that, to take the other lady along with you thats why i had refused her to come along. She started abusing me and blaming me. She was insisting on me that I would take the other lady along. In anger I said yes, I would take other lady and that I am having an affair. I swear that’s a lie, I dont have any affair with anyone. This only I know.

Since that day I feel that I have lost my world.

I talked to her parents her parents talked to her, but she dont listen. I am trying my best to make her understand but in vain.

She had left to her parents place. Two days before I took plane, I had gone to her parents tried to explain, then I took her back home.

After I return, we had seen a counsellor, the day we met the counsellor, everything seems ok, but when we returned home till today, 11 Jan 2016, she keep saying that she dont love me and that she is staying under one roof just because our kids.

I dont know what to do, since we met the counsellor till today, I am trying my best to talk to her to ask her to sit and we talk. But she keep on saying that I am not a trustful person etc.

Somebody can help me what to do in such situation. I want to clear her doubts, but dont know from where to start.

I had even told her to come along and ask that lady if really am having an affair with her, but she denied and say that I will invent a story and make her beleive.

What can i do in such a situation.

Please help me

thanks

Reply
    A friend

    Pray about it. You will never be able to change anyone no matter how you try but God can. Keep praying until he answers you.

    Reply
      Sog79

      So true, only God can fix the mess. My wife just came in from work went through my phone woke me up asking me who are you seeing at your mom’s house? She works at a sports bar while I’m cooling with our kids doing nothing at all. It’s such a stress everyday being called a cheater when I’m doing stuff for my parents like yardwork or playing with my nieces. So like the reply that struck me the most said”Pray” I’m a Christian is not easy but I have help through Jesus Christ. It gets spider need once you accept Jesus as your love and savior. The devil brings the heat then but There is a sure way out. Not trying to get off the sub, I look at it like this he was an accuser and as a faithful married man I’m being accused SO l..

      Reply
Bri T

I love my boyfriend very much. We have been together for almost a year. It doesn’t happen as often, but I still get asked (usually from left-field) if there’s “someone else.” And whenever it upsets me, he says it was “just question.” Is that not complete bull? How can it be just a question? I think it’s because of my past. He knows that when I’m single I’m a different person. I’m flirtatious and outgoing, and I’ve had 1 or 2 friends with benefits (not at the same time). He knew about my relationship with my ex, how bad it became, and that I tried to break up with him (my ex) and it failed (because he threatened me and I was scared to try again). After that point, I felt like my ex and I were no longer in a relationship even though technically we were “still together,” and I ended up cheating on him (my ex).

The thing is, my boyfriend new about this BEFORE we started dating. Me and him talked about everything I was up to as friends and coworkers. But he still developed a crush and me, and he ended up telling me that he liked me, then we started talking, and that evolved into us dating. In the beginning it was treacherous. We fought (verbally) at least twice a week. It’s gotten much better, but he still comes out of nowhere with the cheating accusations. I would NEVER cheat on him. I explained to him that that situation was different because I was scared of that guy and that’s the only reason we were “together.” I told him that our relationship is different. Because usually my MO is that, if I’m not happy, I’m not going to cheat. We’ll discuss things and they don’t improve I’m just going to leave you! I’ll always leave before I cheat!

Last night my boyfriend and I basically came to the conclusion that his cousins have been lying to him most likely in a ploy to get him to come back to Detroit. (I when I say lying, I really mean being deceptive a-holes coming up with this entirely elaborate story) He’s got a lot on his mind because of it, which I understand. And we ended up going to bed pretty late. Because of some unfortunate circumstances, sometimes I have to give him money before his next check. Last night he said that in the morning, we would leave together to go to the bank and I could drop him back off at the apartment. But I knew he was tired and had a lot on his mind. So this morning, I told him that I would just take a quick shower, get dressed quickly, and go by myself and come back to give it to him then leave for work. He decided to respond to that by asking me the question “is it because there’s someone else?” Who the FUCK does that? When I got mad, he said it was just a question? That he doesn’t think I’m cheating. SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THE FUCKIGN QUESTION? Can that question even be asked without accusatory tones? Don’t I have the right to get mad, ESPECIALLY because I was trying to be considerate?

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Leesa

I hear all of you. To not be able to trust your partner is like cyanide to your relationship. Whether it kills slowly or quickly, make no mistake, it will kill it. I have been with my “boyfriend” for 2.5 years and the only time I trusted him was in the first six months or so while I was under the influence of the “affair fog” as they call it. You see, I am the other woman. And I live with constant fear, insecurity and paranoia that he is, has or will cheat on me. Why? Because I know what he is capable of. Because I know he cannot be faithful to the woman he has been married to for 25 years. Why would I be any different? Because I am special? Isn’t that we all want to think? In fact, we sell ourselves on this lie to keep ourselves in this “relationship?” We may be special for the moment until at any time and for any reason he decides to abruptly pull the plug without one single look back to you and without one ounce of emotion. It used to be a fantasy but that fantasy cannot continue forever… especially after 2 years. Reality starts to rear its ugly head and you frantically and desperately try to push it away in a vain bid to hold on for dear life. But all you are doing is holding on. Not living. Not loving someone fully. Just fearful you will lose your object of addiction. The loss of your happy place and the man who is your tool for self medication because your real life is unbearable. Our relationship has just begun to be plagued with trust issues as I am not able to handle them as well as before. The longer we are together, the worse it seems. I am possessive of him and controlling as much as he lets me. I am constantly jealous of other women in his circle and I have the misfortune of having a man who works with mainly woman. This adds insult to injury and more salt to the wound. I constantly beg him for more affection, more emotional investment. I beg him to love me like I love him. He tries to keep me happy and does it for the sake of keeping his sex toy in position but then he falters again. And I seek him out and chew him out over not caring… on and on. He steps it up again. Then drops the ball. It is a vicious cycle. I am always seeking him out. Needing, craving his attention. Him needing and craving my attention. He likes that. He loves that I am clingy and insecure and do not trust him. He feels he has power over me and that I will never leave him. He was my first sexual experience and I am much younger than he is. He loves my youth, beauty, my body, my vitality and passion and zest for life. Sometimes I feel like he is a vampire preying on me. Using me for his own gain. His own gratification. His ego boost. His need to feel alive and like a man. Because his wife gave up on him years ago. He loves that I am his first. He loves that he is special that way and that the experience I am gaining sexually is all his. He has fought to stay with me. We have had many arguments all over my accusations of him cheating. And he stays. I can accuse him a thousand times and probably has and he forgets all about it. Easily. It isn’t like he even gets mad. He just dismisses it like he has an off switch. No emotions at all. I wonder why he does not get upset at me when I accuse him and it is constant. I can be very vicious and I have called him names and have become very mean. Yet he remains calm throughout. I am not sure why? How many men could take this all the time? And why would they keep putting themselves through it? He has the choice to leave me too if I am being abusive to him that way. And yet he is so quick to forgive and forget. Every single time I have an outburst. It is hard to be with him. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. We have a history now. Yeah just half a relationship you can say but he does care about me. Or so he says. We have some sort of strange connection. We are similar souls and partners in crime. I know his mind because he knows my mind. I cannot explain it. I feel empty without him. And I have cried myself to sleep many nights. And I am often unable to function during my real life. I have a child and I am a mom. But to juggle real life and this affair is the hardest thing in the world because my real life is starting to suffer. I feel like I am living in a house of cards and it has been staying up by the grace of God but ready to crash down any moment, any day. So the stress I live with in my mistrust is unbearable. It eats away at my soul. My self esteem has plummeted. Everybody says why does this beautiful girl look so sad? She should have the world at her feet. And isn’t it funny how the one you want isn’t the one who will move Heaven and Earth for you? But there are plenty of others who would? But you don’t want them!

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    why oh why

    ive never cheated , but my girlfriend constantly accuses me of it ,,, i cant even open my eyes it seems like …. ive been mad everytime almost well at first in our relationship i was just like ok she doesnt want to loose me or something but just last night some girl comes up to bag our groceries and she acuuses me of cheating … its not my fualt a girl bagged our stuff … so being the man i grab the groceries and thats what got me in trouble …… just being nice got me in trouble … its happened so much i just explode with anger … and tell her like why cant we have one fucking nice night ,,, all i do is for her ,,,, so whether i get mad or not i still get accused wether i do her luandry clean after her cook for her by her clothes what ever you name it ,,, i still get in trouble for watching a tv show that has some bitch in it or whatevevr ,,,, like i cant even fucking order a pizza without getting some kinda shit for it …. so it seems like whoever your with is smart and has learned to detatch himself from the bullshit ,,, probly becuase hes delt with some stupid women so just like drawing or music the more you work at it the better you get ,,, so hes become a master of dealing with bullshitt …. but i can most likely garentee you that if he was being loud and getting upset you would want him to be calm and not care ,,, it seems like people always want what isnt happening or going on in front of them … so either way hes fucked ,,, he just doesnt waste his time or energy ,,, seems like a smart guy …

    Reply
Veronica

Hello ! So I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now and towards the beginning of our second year it’s been hectic. We have some trust issues and try to work on them. He always accuses me of cheating and accusing me of flirting. Honestly, I would never do that to him because I love him so much and I wouldn’t want him to do that to me behind my back. Also guilt would definitely eat me but that’s not the reason I don’t do shit behind his back it’s because I’m loyal and I do love him but recently we were all sharing essays in class and this boy laughed at my essay laughing say it was fake he would mumble about my essay and I would look up but not say Anything because I’m used to not talking to any guys my boyfriend saw me through a window when I was laughing and looking up at the boy but he misinterpreted my body expressions and thought I was flirting. I told him I wasn’t and I would never do that and now he keeps telling me I gucked up and I’m a flirt but I’m not ? If laughing at people as a group makes me a flirt then idk what to do with my boyfriend. I love him and am completely honest rejecting guys as they ask for my number and he thinks the opposite of me I love him but I really don’t know what to do ):

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    Angie

    Veronica get out ASAP! I have been with my partner for 15 years….always making excuses and talking about how much I love him. I believed in time he would see me for the woman that I am…..loyal and loving…..and it has only gotten worse. I have been accused of terrible disgusting things….and only I know my truth. There is nothing I can say or do. It is even to the point where he has other women and doesn’t care if I catch him or not because he says I deserve this for all I have done to him. Now we have a five year old son and he says if we separate he will take my son. He says he will not let a filthy whore like me raise our son. I stay for that reason. I have tried to leave and he uses my son to hurt me. Courts don’t help. Believe me…..not that your man is like mine…..but any relationship that has no trust will never end well. It is always hard when you wish things would be different, but know in your heart that you can’t change this person. He will always be insecure and you will always be a cheat. Laughing makes you a Flirt?.. I walk with my head down so he doesn’t say I’m looking at anyone. This is a form of abuse. Don’t end up like me.

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      Kirsten

      I would have to agree I have been with my husband for 14 years married for almost 4. For the last 3 months he has said I don’t care about him he should just move out and that I have a new boyfriend. One thing I know for sure is that I have not cheated on him at all. All he has cause at this point is to put me into severe depression over something I haven’t even done. I am trying to help him but at this point I’m not sure what else can be done. He’s bipolar and he has anger issues like none other.

      Reply
    Shaney

    I am precisely in the very exact position.. except it happened within 6 months after we got together.. he accused me of flirting with my distant cousin after seeing us exchangin pics of each other after getting in touch afttter 10 years.. I was at zero intentions of flirting with my cousin.. howeve the pic my cousin sent me of his was pretty obscene.. I would have understood if my bf got pisst at that.. instead he accused me of sleeping with ppl.. verbally very brutally abused me.. I couldn’t let him go at all even after he said his love for me had died.. I literally bowed n begged him to not leave.. we are together still.. howeve this is a scar that I don’t think is ever gonna heal!! Nevertheless everytime i think about this i die within I still immensely love him..

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kath

My man and I have recently celibrated our 2 yrs. But thinks haven’t changed much, he accuses me of cheating and bringing people to the house when he works nights even when I have proof it’s either my friend from work that gives me a ride home from work (gay & married), and my best friend (chick) I’ve known for 13 yrs. He has been acting really weird and always taken his phone places and not leaven it around me. Well one time he did and I looked into the pictures, and found a bought engagement ring. He still hasn’t given me my anniversary gift so I assume it’s for me. Then last night he acussed me of cheating cause their were pictures on a social page of my friends surprise wedding party and her guy friends (also gay) were their and we were taken pictures and he said I was really close to one of them while doing so. He owns the house and I moved in at start of our relationship. He uses his house against me telling me about packing my stuff and leaven. I’m so much in pain of him accusing me when I’m not doing anything wrong. I barley go out with friends and he never comes with me out to meet my friends. I work as a nurse so I’m crazy busy at work but when I don’t have time to get back to him theirs usually 15 messages and usually last 7 are fine u want to break up etc. I really love him and he does treat me so good it’s just at least 4 times at most every couple months.

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Nikki

its amazing how many people are going through this. We been together for 7 years and have a daughter together. i have been accussed of cheating at work with his friends . We’ve tried counselling and it seems to work but only for a few weeks then his back the accussations. I feel i can give up my job as he phones me non stop to find out what i am doing . I feel so trapped and constantly feel like im being watched. I hate feeling like this and i did nothing wrong. I cnt believe he turned out like. Im so angry with him and theres days i wish he wouldnt come home because im not sure what monster is coming home. I really just dnt no how to deal with anymore.

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    Angie

    Nikki I am in the same situation. See my comment to Veronica above. It’s 15 years and a child later and the situation just gets worse. I’m afraid he is going to kill me one day in one of his rages that I’m cheating. You sound like me. It doesn’t get better. Get out! I wish I could get this message out to people everywhere. This is a form of abuse. Don’t stay any longer. It will never change. Good luck stay strong. This will strip you of everything. Don’t let it! You deserve a normal life.

    Reply
      Kim L

      Angie,
      Please check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline on my resources page if you are afraid he will hurt you or if he has already. Get away from the abuse.

      Reply
      Nikki

      Hi angie

      i wish i could and it was this simple. We got married and i was hoping things would get better but it didnt. Im at a point hoping he would die. How do you feel like this about someone ? How do people change and become this horrible person. If i distanted from him its because of the things he has said and done. I cnt make myself feel better about him. I wish knew what caused the change. i wish there was some form of explanation. I have prayed and ahve asked god to answer my prayers. I hope one day all these men will see their ways of error and try to make change, Angie i hope you are still strong………….. i said a special a prayer for you. god is on your side

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    Mel

    Oh No Angie! DO NOT raise your son in that environment. You know what- he WILL NOT take your son away. Courts are all for hearing all of the evidence. Get references, get yourself educated, find a good job and get out of there! It’s not all about money- I’m not saying it is for you but just remember that the love of a mother far outweighs the abuse that your son will eventually hear and the misunderstanding he will have of your actions when you keep getting accused. Believe me I know…but I keep giving my husband of 26 years- a second chance- my abuse comes generally when my husband is intoxicated- sometimes not. I get questioned about bruises, I don’t talk to people, I have changed jobs so many times to avoid embarrassment and the constant harassment. And you know what? Apparently it is stuff that I start!! Honestly, I am well educated and I put up with this??? I am sure it is our low self esteem and really I have wasted so much of my time. I am starting to become violent towards my husband when he starts on me- not a good idea when he out weighs me by twice my weight and he is a tradesman and I am a paper thin waif! Get out change your name, change your hair, just go and don’t even think of where- just go. We have a government that offers support, Women’s refuge, Police Officers. Damn him for making a fool out of you and brainwashing your son! OMG I have been browsing over everyone else’s comments- I am the stupidest person on this blog site! I get mental abuse, I too pray for him to leave- then I think maybe this is my punishment for something I have done??? I have never ever been unfaithful, never looked at or wanted another man ever. I get accused, occasionally I get pushed around I get the constant phonecalls- I have to make phonecalls – arrive at work, lunch time, leaving work. And I do it to keep the peace. Sometimes I even admit that I over react to his questions- I never over react- who asks their wife if she is cheating- doing it in their lunch time- 5 mins after work or texting people!!! I am so over it!!! My decision is FINALLY made!! I am out of this relationship! I should have listened to my friends but I felt sorry for my then boyfriend- I did not like to be told. Oh no! I hope I live long enough to be me again!

    Reply
      Kim L

      Don’t forget, Mel and Nikki, there are supports out there for you. Start with the nation domestic violence hotline, http://www.thehotline.org and get educated and connected to help.

      Reply
Life

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. She is bi polar and on anti depressants. She accusses me of cheating more often then I realize. After reading all the comments on this site I still don’t know what to believe. I feel she has things that she needs to resolve which she’s working on by seeing her therapists. I also feel that though it unfortunate she’s been in situations in the past where she was cheated on, I do not deserve to feel the backlash of it. When I was single, I was a flirt and got around but when it comes to relationships I am honest and loyal. I feel I am at a point where I’m being mistreating and because of this it’s causing me to be disconnected. No matter what I do right or wrong either way I get screamed at. When I ask her to specify things I get screamed out but she doesn’t realise that I’m asking for specific instructions to avoid being screamed at in the end when I don’t do it right or I forget something. Is this what people feel inside or is it just me?

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    Pateeser

    I been with my boyfriend for 10 years. He cheated on my back in 2008. I clearly forgave him because I really do love him. I am getting accused of cheating on him but I am not. I been faithful to him since we been together and he don’t believe me. He calls me all these disrespectful names that really hurts my feelings all the time. When my period comes on he says if u stop f..King different d..ks u would not have that problem. I cry every time he accuses me because I really do be telling the truth and he don’t believe me. What am I supposed to do when he doesn’t trust me. He always tell me me(you know how many b.tchs on my d..k)I tell him go be with them because I am tired of defending myself all the time. When I say something back he tells me if it not true then why are u so mad. Someone please help me

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alex

hi to you all. our problems , real problems in our marriage started about 4 years ago. it was at the time when i left a hospital’s position as a medical doctor which i had very good salary and plenty to spend on travels and shopping plus all bills, credit cards, etc was easily being paid by my income. we both knew that the job at the hospital would end at the end of 2012, i realized tha i had to change some things to be less spender and to quit of expensive habbits plus my wife would have to support now at least most part of the expenses for our family.we had a housekeeper/nanny for our son, a part time gardener, we were going on trips abroad every christmas and easter and long holidays again abroad during summer not to mention weekends during summer in the most exclusive 5 star hotels in northern greece (close where we live) etc., 5 star gym, tennis lessons.from all this ikept tennis lessons until i stopped -she was always said that how can i continue such a hobby since i don’t have enough money to support it, i gradually changed my 5 star gym to a regular simple and most of all cheap gym, i tried to cut the cost of my life as much as i could and now with a much lower income i don’t keep anything for me and i give everything for the needs of our family.right now i’m doing two jobs and still i don’t earn even the half i was earning 4 years ago.always we had quarrels about everything and in general the situation at home was not pleasant at all.we stopped having a housekeeper and i try to help at the house-cooking, ironing, gardening, wash the cars and of course keep our son as happy as i can my true treasure.our intimate relations as a couple changed, i wasn’t feeling romantic very often anymore, i couldn’t feel.i gained 15 kilos i let myself without carrying for it-my appearance, of how i was dressing etc. 2 years ago after all these things i had a nervous breakdown that lasted just for 2 days fortunatelly.i drunk one night to much i took some pills and i was furious i was crying, i was shoutting, i was in a situation that even i i could not understand….i was feeling completelly as a mad person.this was the time that i said to myself that i have to change before it is too late for enerything.i had to save myself, our family, our life together.i started to go again to the gym , i lost all the extra weight, i changed the way i was dressing, the style of my hair i changed my behaviour towards many aspects, i tried to be more friendly with people around, to be more openminded. i was very much satisfied from my new me! a lot of people-friends, aquintances were telling to me how good i look , how happy , how smilling , how….how…how…only good things, the only person who was annoyed by my new me was my wife who started to gain weight not taking good care of her appearance -many times i tried to persuade her to take care of herself-even once she said to me that now my body looks disgusting and my hair style is for only if i were in my early 20″s and my age is 42. of course i did all that for her and for me as well .i wanted this change to feel better because i believe if we are happy with ourselves we can make our partners happy as well.so, 2 years ago i met again with my best-best friend in the whole world again after 7 years(she lives abroad) we spent lot of time together and my wife was always invited to be part of our meetings.she came just 2 times and she said that she was bored to death…then it was the first time that she was very jealous of that relationship and she thought that me and my best friend had a relationship.i was mad how could she ever think of that?what kind of a man my wife after 17 years of married life believes i am?the time passed and my friend returned back home.we kept having e-mails, chat on facebook, sms and my wife always was looking at my e-mails etc.i recently became friend with a guy and we had a very close friendship-we had together a really good time we could talk about everything and anything-i was so tremendously happy to have a friend like that…believe it or not my wife thought that our friendship was…not a simple best friend frienship but a gay relationship!she did everything she could and now i don’t talk with my friend anymore to tell you the truth i miss him so much but i was the one who ended this friendship by saying to him very bad things….i tried to fix things with him but it is too late he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me anymore.few days ago through facebook another guy started chat with me i hardly knew him .at the beggining the chat was about general things but after a while it become a bit strange and he started to flatter me and he wanted to have with me sexual relations….i was shocked at the beggining i did not know what to say ,how to react before blocking him.i was very polite at him and i told him that i’m not intrested in such relations with him.of course once again my wife as a genuine ”mata harry” or ”james bond” spied on my e-mails and she thought that i liked all this kind of flirting.now she is convinced that i’m seeing other guys, women for sexual relations and she has stopped talking to me.she wants us to go to an advisor for married couples who have troubles in their marriage.i agrred completelly cause i hope in this way she will understand that everything only on her mind.but…still the situation at home is unbearable.if only i could earn more money as before nothing of all that would ever happen.i hope that in the future things will get better between us and she will understand the mistakes she has done…that’s my story….

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Lei

This been happening for more than a year now. And I wanted out of the relationship, I cannot continue my life this way… Your story is exactly the same with mine. And I don’t know what to do anymore. I wanted to help him I wanted to make the relationship last, I wanted us to grow old together. But that seems to be impossible. Sometimes I’m so angry at him for accusing me of cheating and he will say I’m a bitch in heat! And sometimes he will tell me that the Lord is his witness. I keep telling him over and over and over and over that I’m always loyal to him and never been unfaithful at all. We’ve been married for 13 years and only last year that he has this trust issues? I just wanted to know what’s wrong with him? Does he have some kind of mental illness? Is he going crazy?whats wrong with him. He knows he can never prove his accusations and it is very irrational so what’s wrong with his head? I’m a home based teacher and my husband is jobless so practically together everyday. So I don’t understand how I can cheat on him, and he can even think that I am cheating on him when were together all the time literally all the time??? What’s wrong with his thinking? I wanted to leave but we have a daughter who love him so much , again he only turns into a monster just last year so my daughter still remembers him as a loving , jovial father. What am I going to do? I also can’t leave him because I know he would not allow it and might get violent. I need help I need answer… please.

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Lily

My boyfriend has never been abusive towards me. At least not psychically. But we have been together for almost four years (weirdly our anniversary is the say as this article that was published) anyway we were 16 and now we’re 20, so we have grown and changed a lot. I’m unsure if we have just been in our relationship for too long and instead of telling me he is unhappy he just accuses me of cheating until I have finally had enough and finally end it? I don’t know. I love him like no tomorrow, I mean hello? I have been with him for 4 years, he is almost all I know! I noticed him start to change after we were together for a little over a year. It’s so sad and scary. Last night he wasn’t treating me nicely, I was upset because I had been feeling unloved and disrespected and he said “cheaters don’t get respect.” Well I have never cheated on him. I think he is accusing me of cheating because I will text a guy from my class at college and he thinks because I’m talking to a guy that equals me cheating when he is just a friend. I’m not sure but it causes a lot of tears, anxiety and stress. I love him and I know he loves me and I know he cares about me. But I don’t want to go back and forth on him being all lovey dicey towards me and then the next week he is back to being mean and accusing me of things that didn’t happen!

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CJ

I can relate to some of what others have posted here. I thought I had a solid, stable, functional marriage. Looking back, there were a couple of times that his cheating accusations were a problem. And there was evidence that he was at least toying with the idea of cheating (visiting swinger sites, answering personal adds) in the past, but I thought we had resolved those issues. After 17 years together, we attended a social function with a group of people I knew from my past. We both had several drinks and because intimacy was just not working that night, he got it into his head I was cheating. After a month of accusations, I told him he had two choices, marriage counseling or divorce court. I was not going to live with the stress of having to defend myself any longer. It took the counselor explaining that as a woman ages, hormonal changes can make intercourse challenging, especially when involving alcohol. Hmpf, I had been saying that for months. We had been in counseling for a year when I cancelled the sessions. He would talk about sports, politics, current events, cars, how the counselor became a counselor, etc. but he didn’t want to talk about our problems. The only time we talked about his cheating fixation was when I brought it up, and he was always very upset that I did. I told him we were paying for help resolving our issues, not to shoot the breeze. Counseling seems to have helped but the issue cropped up again recently, husband saying ‘my friend saw you flirting with that guy’. Umm, hello, sitting in a dark club with no glasses on, I can’t see three feet in front of my face so how could I be flirting with some stranger across the bar? I told him that it seems that drinking causes his paranoia and he needed to refrain. (lets be clear, he’s not a heavy drinker, he only partakes maybe 2 to 3 times a year). He has been told I love him, he is a good man, but I will not stand for those accusations ever again. Next time I will pack his bags and he will be invited to leave. But here’s the result of those accusations, I rarely want to leave the house by myself any more, simply because I’m afraid that I’ll be hit with accusations. I have the option to work from home and even though I should be going into the office a couple days a week, I find the prospect too exhausting because I’m worried about how he’ll react. I’ve even started to pull away from my friends, because ‘what if’. Throughout our relationship,I rarely socialized outside the home without him, simply because I enjoy his company, and want him with me. His insecurities and accusations have changed me, and I’m so not happy with that.

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Guest

Hello everyone! I came across this through a Google search and I neve realize how many other people are going through what I struggle with regularly.

I was with my partner for 6 years on and off. I say on and off because of the constant abuse due to his insecurities and jealousy took a toll upon us both.
Granted in the past when we first went out I did dump him and rebounded back to an old fling and I think this has been the basis for all his emotional violence towards me.

For years I have been accused of sleeping around with every male person in my life – including his own male friends. Hes deframed my name to others saying I’m a slut and whore etc and treated me as a scumbag without any proof whatsoever. He doesn’t realize the extent of his abuse and I’m starting to think he might get off on it because it will come out of nowhere. He’s accused me of having an affair with his best friend and treated me like I’m guilty whilst to afraid to hit up his friend about it. Granted in the past him and I both have hooked up with other people. In fact he slept with someone else and I haven’t but apparently according to him, only I can be the unfaithful one. I’ve dealt with this tor years and my family can’t stand the thought of him as they have heard numerous arguments or me crying.
What makes this word is that I feel he lures me into a false sense of hope and security. He says he trusts me and loves me and wants a future with me. For the most part our relationship is good. I will think things are working out only to be blindly ambushed by wild accusations and emotional abuse. I hate feeling this trapped. I like the good side of him but I know I can’t commit myself to him fully when he acts like this. I have to protect myself

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    Guest

    *worse

    Edit: I forgot to mention the last strand of abuse happened last night where I am accused of cheating with someone because he saw me driving at night. I happened to just go to the gas station but apparently only “cheaters” are out this time (even tho it’s excusable that he’s out at the same time to spot me)

    Seriously why did I waste my time on someone so stupid and up their own butthole to not see anyone’s sense or can’t respect anyone else besides himself?

    Reply
FL

Never in a million years did I think I would be in a relationship with a person who says they need to protect me by me giving them a blow by blow of my travels when I am not with them. This really took me sometime to get used to. Honestly, I still am not comfortable in doing this. But he has a way to make me think it is reasonable to do this.

I was married for 12 years and my ex-husband never asked me for my every step of the way move. We trusted each other enough to respect each other in that area. Not to compare, but this was a culture shock for me. I am very independent and this guy really believes I need to be dependent on him or “I don’t love him or need him in my life” is what he says. The only time we are not together is when we are at work. God forbid if I do not answer my phone or Face Time or respond to a text immediately! I asked can you at least give me 5 mins to respond to your text message… We argue every other week it use to be every other day. Because of his insecurity that he will not admit he has or his accusations of me not knowing how to communicate. I have not idea where he gets this creative mind from that I am cheating, or have a “hidden agenda”.

It is really exhausting. But the drum role is, I am in love with this nut case. When he is good he is good. So, I pray and ask for guidance from God. When he answers my prayers I will know exactly what to do.

Reply
My Husband Accused Me of Cheating – What Should I Do?

[…] As Kim Leatherdale says in her post on this topic: […]

Reply
fazila

I have been in a relationship with a guy that was always controlling and insecure. I tried proving to him that I don’t have any intentions of being with anyone else. I give him all my attention and care but he still tells me I don’t show him I love him and my behaviour makes him believe I don’t love him. he sees things that’s not reality. he now accuses me of sleeping around and sees love bites on my body that is not even there. I even called a second person to see if they see what he sees and even that is not proof for him. hes with me all the time and whenever he comes to my work unexpected, never did he catch me with anyone or talking to anyone to make him believe I am unfaithful. I don’t even have a phone , to prove to him I don’t speak to anyone. I don’t even dress up or wear makeup to prove to him but still he believes I cheated. he threw me out and now tells me I am the one that messed up and If I want to work it out I must come back and ask for forgiveness. I refuse , because I did not do what he believes I am doing. he spoke me like a slut to everyone. how can I work it out with a man that classes me as a slut and doesn’t trust me.

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    Cailee

    This sounds so much like me, I have been with my fiancée for about 11years. We have 3 son’s together. So My story seems a bit complicated but it’s really simple. Our whole relationship I never worked I stayed home with the kids until they were school aged. He had full control and treated me like trash. Then as of last year I went back to work. He started a new part time job on the weekends working over night. I never hang out I never go anywhere unless its with him. Long story short my best friend had my email pw because I have lots of jobs that still contact me because of my recent job search. Now she is a free bird and she hangs out a lot. My fiancée checked my location history and it was tracking her and me but he says all of it was me. Even times when we where together it says I was out and we where together. I went so far as to take a lie detector test and of course I passed. Out of 11yrs I have never slept with anyone besides him. He won’t let up. He says I sleep with the lie detector guy to pass. He harasses me and he gets physical with me. He gets loud and says things like BITCH why can’t you just be honest and im like look im over this. My love for him is fading and I want out. I’m not going to apologize for something I never did or considered. I’m not going to kiss ass or continue to be punished for something I have never done. He has always been controlling but this is to much. It’s like the more times he says it he thinks that make it true. At first I wanted him to believe me so bad. But now it’s like F*^% it. Like all my friends and family even HIS FAMILY says he’s crazy. I’m so over him but he won’t leave. He takes my car he does spiteful things and like I said he is putting his hands on me. I just want out. This is affecting my job, my peace and my happiness. I wish I was cheating so that I could have someone to rescue me from this prison that I’m in. I just pray everyday. But I’m living with a monster. I’d do anything just to have my peace back

    Reply
      Cailee Shorter

      I go to work crying. My kids are seeing me upset. He treats me worst than a dog. One minute we are working on us going to church praying together and them BOOM I’m a slut whore and I’m not loyal and I’m like look im as loyal as loyal is going to get. I have NEVER out of 11yrs even seen another man’s private area. I just wanted for us to be happy. I cry everyday. He bullys me. I just want him to go away if he can’t get some help. Before this he would leave for days at a time breakup with me and I’d beg him to come home. I’m different now. If he packs his damn bags I’ll help! He is physically abusive to me and it’s scary. He needs help and I’m not sticking around anymore, I just pray and pray and pray! Because I know this is not the life God designed for me. I just want this pain to end. if im at work I’m cheating, when I’m talking to my friends im cheating (who are all girls btw). I don’t have a social life I don’t go anywhere but to work and straight home. I hide nothing from him. My heart is so broken but I think our relationship has ran it’s course. I think it’s time to say goodbye. I will always love him. But this abusive isn’t something I’m willing to tolerate. Ive dealt with it for years but I’m older now. I’m 26. I want more out of life than this. And you deserve the same

      Reply
        CG

        Why for God’s sake are you still in that relationship???

        Reply
        Brokenheartedbrokengirl

        My heart goes out to you. I was in this situation also, he was my best friend, I never wanted to do anything but love him. I thought he was going to be my husband. He was sunshine when I first met him and we were just friends. He thought I was perfect and then as soon as I got into a relationship with him things changed. He was always checking my phone, making conversations with my girl friends into big deals, upset over things that happened before him. He got physically abusive, then he would call me names, I went from the best girl ever to a whore and a skeezy slut. He stopped having sex with me and then when he did it would be void of passion or love. He started cheating on me but accusing me of cheating. One day he tried to beat the name out of me that I was cheating on him with but there was no one. He would not speak or look at me for days but if I wanted to stay out he would have a heart attack. He began to beat me in front of his friends. It was torture. Abusive relationships are so hard because all you want to do is love them and you think there is something you can do that will get through to them but in the end they just take more and more from you until you have nothing and then they leave. I did not have the strength to leave him so I prayed to God for him to leave me and I stopped trying as hard as I used to. Eventually I ended it because I could not take it anymore and he begged me to come back to him and I wouldn’t. As soon as I had a change of heart, believing he really loved me, I accepted and then he told me it was too late he had moved on! Ha! He even let his new girl diss me on the phone. It hurt me because he isolated me from my friends and I didn’t tell them what I was going thru and when I did the didn’t care, so I didn’t have a support system. It’s been 6 months and I am finally realizing what I was dealing with as when I was going thru it I didn’t know, all I knew was I was in pain. You are not alone, pray for strength. Move out with your parents or a good friend if you have to, but get out. Life is too short to spend it with someone who can’t and never will love you the way you deserve.

        Reply
      vela

      Hi I was just browsing and ready your story was like looking in the mirror of my own relationship! It’s identical. I have told my boyfriend that I too would take a lie detector test. I have been accused so many times to the point I almost gave in to something that wasn’t true just to shit his mouth, but I refuse because I have been innocent. Feel Ike I am walking on egg shells and he wants ro merry but I know inu mind I would never merry him. My love have turned to disgusts and too me it’s too late but I have a son by him. Eventually we have to leave so we can be happy. They are losers with mental issues. This is totally unhealthy and I feel even look like shit

      Reply
    Steph

    Don’t walk – run!!

    Reply
Court

I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and now that I’m deathly sick all of a sudden he thinks I’m cheating on him. I’m not. I have been getting “worse” over the last few years and as I get sicker he is pulling farther and farther away emotionally. I really thought that he would take care of me until the day comes but now I have no friends and no husband for emotional support. So what should I do? I think he is just looking for a way out.

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Leanna

I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now. I know it doesn’t seem like a very long time but i moved in with him around 2 months into the relationship. The jealousy and accusing has been non-stop since the first month or so of our relationship. He has no real reason to think I am cheating on him other than maybe 2 or 3 messages he found on my Facebook the first month we were together sending kissy faces or smirk faces. I admitted my wrongs and told him I had never had a serious relationship before but that i had realized my mistakes and corrected them. Around the same time he found the few Facebook messages I found texts with him and another girl (who i ended up fighting) talking about having sex. He swears he didn’t have sex with her and I forgave him. Since then the accusing has not stopped. It is over the craziest things. When i go to school and work he accuses me of having sex in the bathroom or on my break. He goes through my phone and when he doesn’t find anything he accuses me of deleting things (even though i caught him deleting messages with a few females in the past). We argue non-stop and it’s gotten to the point where my family can’t stand him because they are seeing what kind of pain i’m in over something im not doing. We currently have a no-contact order (that we don’t follow) because he was accused of physical abuse. He never hit me or anything like that, it was bruises on my arms because he had accused me of cheating (like every other day) and we had got into an arguement (once again like every other day) and i went to leave his house and he grabbed me and apologized and begged me to stay. He broke my iphone. I can’t do ANYTHING without him accusing me. We were talking on the phone last night and he told me he was going to sleep and asked if i was going to sleep too (because he doesn’t trust me up) and i said yes. He texted me 45 minutes later telling me I’m a hoe and all this other crazy nonsense because I wasn’t able to fall asleep yet, but was still laying in bed with the lights off. I really just don’t know what to do anymore. I love him with all of my heart and I don’t want to give up on us but i just don’t know where to go from here. I tell him that I’m going to leave if he doesn’t change but i never do because i love him so much. He tells me things will change and get better and it never does.He tries to make me feel guilty and when i threaten to leave him, he tells me he is going to commit suicide and has even pretended to be his mom to make me feel bad about it. I sit down and have talks with him for hours, balling my eyes out about how much he means to me and assure him I would never cheat on him and that he truly is the love of my life and nothing ever seems to get through. I would never cheat on him, I love him with all of my heart. I’m very big on loyalty and trust and I have always been faithful to my ex’s and my friends because I feel like trust is crucial for any relationship. Things have spun so out of control over something I would never do and I just don’t know what to do. Should i let go, as bad as that will hurt ? Or should i keep trying ? I’m just so hopeless at this point 🙁

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    Britt c

    Idk how long ago you put this up but thank you for doing so. I am going through this WORD FOR WORD…. Your story made me cry BC its an everyday struggle just to prove to my fiance that I go to work and come straight home. But hearing your story makes me feel a little more worthy of a person BC I thought I was the only one. I literally pause after saying something on the phone and he feels like there’s someone else in the room with me.he checks my location on my phone through out the night (I work nights being a sitter…. It’s just me in a room with an 82 year old woman) to make sure I’m still there. I have lost all my friends and I make our relationship seem perfect to my family bc like yours they wouldn’t like him anymore. So my advice to you is keep your head up and I UNDERSTAND what its like to love somebody so much you can’t imagine breathing let alone surviving without them…. I am too faulted by my loyalty and love for others over myself. But are we being loyal to ourselves is the question?
    –britt–

    Reply
      Brokenheartedbrokengirl

      I am crying also. No one else understands what it’s like to love people like this unless they’ve been in it. Yes I am loyal and I hate to have anyone think I don’t care about them especially when I do. It is my nature to love. And yes, most of all we are not being loyal to ourselves. Leanna, he will never change, just go. It’s going to hurt so bad when you do, you won’t breathe, you won’t eat, you won’t sleep, you will want to die but I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, and one day you will stop hurting. Better to hurt for a while than to hurt everyday the way it hurts now. I KNOW what it feels like to have someone accuse you of something you’re not doing. Stay strong ladies, know you are not alone. Pray to God for guidance. But remember that you can’t stay. Don’t end up like me, wasting years of my youth with a man that ultimately left me for someone else and now I, afraid I’ll never have kids or find a husband. Life is too short. Xoxo

      Reply
    Keira

    Hey,
    When I was reading your post, I thought i was reading about my own relationship. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs is the exact same. And I am so tired of the accusations every day about everything…. He is possessive, insecure, jealous and incapable of dealing with frustration and disappointment. He always blames everyone around him for his own mistakes and misery. I totally understand when you say you’re hopeless and exhausted. I personally know that I need to let him go and I think that’s what you should do too, however, unfortunately that is a lot easier said than done. I wish you strength to get through this!

    Reply
    Jenny

    I hope you’re ok… I think you need to take a break from this guy…. You’re not the problem nor can you fix his own person al problems… He’s has jealousy an control issuea that he needs to fix in order to make this relationship grow sweetheart …

    Reply
    lisa

    Please please get out of this! This happened to me when i was ypung n it only gets worse it never gets better believe me he has you emotionally sick hon.dont have kids w him either i did n my ex abused me infront of t kids n hit t youngest trying to get at me.Thrse giys who are like this never change.take my word for it.i lost t best young yrs of my life staying w a sick individual.n eventually they make u sick n u think u cant live without them.you will find your ytue love i did.bit you got to want to end this.god cant bless you until you vlose that door.n if u are lucky to have parents or a family that will help you go there n please stay away from him.some of women have noone to help us parents are dead or too old to help.i wish youmuch love n also pray n get help from church.i did n it changed me n healed my way of thinking.

    Reply
Raadop

Good day folks. I have been led here by “google-ing” the topic at hand because I am now finding myself at wit’s end. I am reading as many sites / forums and comments as I can, to try somehow to form a conclusion, but even though most of what everyone, male of female describes, seems to be the same across the board. The details and intricacies of the relationships and lives of everyone is slightly different, but not the crux of the matter.
I cannot find a unique situation though for myself, my loved one and our relationship, so thought Id give it a shot posting here. (Never really done this before. haha)

Now where it starts (It gets quite confusing and involved, but please bear with me.) is right even before I met my dearly beloved. I was in a relationship with a girl, we had a “faulty” relationship and ended it. Found out a day or so later that she was pregnant. For me, not a train smash. Immediately accepted the condition and responsibility. Told her that we need to put our little quarrels behind us and realize that something much bigger than us is happening. We are adults and need to embrace the responsibilities we have created by out own choices. We then moved in together, tried to make the relationship work for a couple of months. I got us a bigger house and everything seemed fine. Our relationship still didn’t work and about two months before baby being born, she told me she wants out. I said I agree, as the stressful environment in which she is bearing a child is not good for the baby, or for me or her. She moved out and had the baby. I have been there for my baby girl as much as I could/can. I am her father and I am involved in her life as much and to the greatest extent that I can be. (Not involved in her mother’s life as far as I can help it though). She is turning 3 years old early next year. She is amazing (baby) and a happy, obedient and loving child. We seem to have the roles, custody and financial sides of the debacle figured out, but sometimes it is challenging, but we get through it. I always try to keep a clear head when controversy arises around this way of raising a child and always keep in mind that everything is about our baby girl and everything else comes second to that. Just after baby was born, I got involved for the first time with another woman. Quickly the relationship progressed up to where we were actively participating, in all aspects, in a romantic relationship. At this stage, I brought into the relationship some baggage, to say the least. A child, for one. Also jealousy (trust) domineering and controlling qualities. Also traditional aspects of my upbringing, seemed to pose problems, as I knew things had to be one way and she was used to so much different. I tried to be transparent with her as much as I could about my trust issues for instance, almost warning her getting into a relationship with me might be difficult because I all high and almighty (sarcastically said) do not trust anyone. She brought into the relationship a child born out of wedlock as well, a little boy, one year older than my baby girl. I thought this was amazing, being mindful of many challenges that we could face into our future with such a “modern” family, I thought that we would be able to provide a stable and loving home for our children and make the best of a rather complicated situation.

Somewhere in our relationship, I realized that I really love this woman and that I need to sort out my trust issues, otherwise I am going to push her away so far, that I am going to lose her. I worked on it and even today, she would admit that she does not feel any more that I don’t trust her. Also, somewhere along the line, as she grew closer and closer to me, when the relationship started in her heart to move into an area of more than sex and day to day, to potential long term, deep care and love for another person and subsequently also opening one’s self to a very fragile place where terrible hurt could be inflicted. She started showing cracks with regards to her trust towards me. I got a new job, stressed allot and started drinking more regularly after work with the guys at the local pub etc. We grew apart slowly, but surely. She was shouting out all the time for me to hear and I was running away all the time because I just can’t take controversy, constant negativity, when actually life is pretty good. We are very blessed and everything is actually going very well in our lives. Theoretically, we should be happy. I felt that, practically, life is too short to bicker and frown, cry and always be down, because quite frankly, if we are grateful for what we have, realise that we cant really do anything to deserve anything, we should live a good and gracious life. Be honest and true and hardworking and love. I never cheated on this woman. I have not so much as kissed another female (or male) since the day I met her.

Now, where it all starts is when she one day (first time that I was aware of) goes through my phone. Same ‘ol Same ‘ol story right. She find messages between me and an age old ex girlfriend. She is furious and ends the relationship right there whilst driving in the car to work. I get angry. She is anry. I have not done anything wrong. I have communicated with this girl, but I have not done anything wrong. I have not even seen this girls in all the time that me and my new babe has been together you know. I did not flirt. Main cause of comms between me and this ex was my first born baby girl. She was never able to meet my daughter and always wanting to meet her. Which I obviously would not have a problem with, as I was a new and very proud daddy, wanting to declare my love for my daughter and brag with her from the highest mountain tops, like Simba in the Lion King. This ex girlfriend and my daughter’s mother were not friends (to say the least), hence the reason for her not being allowed (by the mother) to see my daughter. Anyways, no biggy. Point is, me end my woman of now, speaks two different languages. She is English and I am what we call Afrikaans. When she reads Afikaans messages from this ‘ol ex, she misinterprets the tone in which messages were typed and sent to me. So frustrating for me, because I am now being accused of cheating and standing on the brink of losing the woman I really love and want to be with, because of a misunderstanding. I get so angry in the car that I hit the dash board and break it. It also cuts my hand and now there is blood. Oh no, big mistake. Anyways, I get to work. She gets to her work. I phone her somewhere through the morning to apologise. I say to her that I can understand how it all looks, but I am not losing her because of this. I will fight for her and we will get through this. She replies that she was also just about to phone me and tell me that she is sorry. She has calmed down now, believed what I said and that she love me and I love her and I feel like I can burst our in tears, I am so happy that this whole thing is just going to be ok after all.

Time passes…

One day, my lady falls pregnant. We were at that stage of our relationship where we were already talking about marriage. I had at that stage made my decision, that I would gladly marry her, but I thought there were things we (she.lol) needed to work on, before I ask her to be my wife. Now a baby is imminent and the decision has just become much easier. I tell her the same day after going to for the test, that I am going no where. I am sticking by her and I will be her husband and our children’s father, to love and to provide. Obviously a shock, in terms of both of us having put both our families and ourselves through similar scenarios before we met each other. I scheme to myself, been there, done that. Was actually not even half as bad the first time and children don’t cause life to seize to exist as we know it, so no problem and it is also pretty awesome that I actually love this woman and can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I make a joke, once again in the car after finding out about her being pregnant, and ask her so does she want to get engaged now quickly, or should I plan something special. The laughs and cries and I say I love her and take her to eat at a nice restaurant. We both don’t go to work that day. Spend time together. I secretly start wondering if its a boy or a girl, being a little bit exited about this whole thing. Imagine a little dude running around, as naughty and intuitive as I probably was when I was little or imagining a beautiful daughter, with the facial features and beautiful blue eyes of my (by then ) wife. It made my heart melt, but at the same time, back in reality, I wanted just to be there for her. The is after all the woman. The one to be cherished, protected and loved. I knew that she would have fears, uncertainties, founded or unfounded, I don’t care. I just want to play my role as well as I could. I didn’t. As time passed slowly (or fast in hindsight) stress of the new job was getting to me. I was totally oblivious to this. Oh, also, my mom passed away just before we found out about the pregnancy. Probably a lil bit much on the plate you know. She on the other hand was probably just being a real woman. Hormones and fears and all of that and in many cases, I was not sensitive enough to that. (Once again in hind sight) Worst happened and she had a miscarriage a couple of weeks into the pregnancy. BIG oops. I have never experienced this. It is not something that I have ever read about. No clue what to do, how to help etc. I take her to my grandmother, who suffered two miscarriages in her younger days. Maybe for some help, just words or something. I felt totally inadequate. I suppose it went well. There was a bit of talking and crying and all in all, she probably felt a little bit better afterwards. I dunno. Anyways, what I did know though was that she is going to have to deal with this loss. For my impossible to understand to that level, because I can never be a woman or be pregnant. We try. Eventually the natural things supposed to happen does not happen and she goes to her best friend in another town to go to a doctor there to see if anything is wrong physically, because she was bleeding allot and something just didn’t seem right (health wise).

While she there and I at home, we have a bit of a hard time. Streesful so far away, states of mind, dealing with miscarriage and THE GUY she gets a lift with to this town, couple of hours away from where we stay. I just couldn’t be whom I was supposed to be. I asked her questions, but she does not answer her phone, why she does not reply to my messages. When she does talk to me, why does she sound to distant and cold towards me etc. Now, this is where strike two comes in. I go the one night, as I have done many times, to our neighbours. We eat and drink some wine. Talk and laugh and play some music. Come time to go home, I walk out with their oldest daughter. (one of my friends almost sort of dated the younger sister a while ago) They always thought we would be a good match, but we never eally hit it off. Now, weeks or months afte rmy girlfriend returns from the visit to the other town, we get involved in an argument (Once again for being accused of cheating) and she lets out that the people across the road told me that I kissed the older daughter and then later changes the story to “Try to kiss the daughter”. I deny it and get angry and we fight and fight and allot of our relationship has been fight fight fight. I tried to fight back and that didn’t work. I tried to not fight back and that didn’t work. Anyways, I digress. (Side Note: after allot of thought weeks after the whole debacle, I must be open and honest though, I know for a fact I did not kiss the girl. (Katy Perry) But I did have allot’o wine, so as I remember it, we were being all awkward there in the dark on the side walk when saying goodbye to each other. As I remember it, I was scared that she was going to want to kiss me and I just wanted to get home to sleep. There was one of those weird robot type hugs things that happened. And that is what I remember. I wanted to confront the peeps for saying that, but such a thing is also embarrassing you know. The neighbours are older folk than us (as you can probably judge by the question of me kissing their daughter. lol) (Btw, we are folk that are in our late 20’s early 30’s. So not wise elders but not happy-go-lucky teens neither. And no disrespect to those of you that are any age, because all ages and phases in life are beautiful and you should cerise them all, enjoy it and make the right decisions, even when it is difficult. It will be difficult many times. Do not seek that immediate reward when the often uncomprehend able future is so much sweeter.)

Anyways, I digress again. So we have this little problem. In the mean time, our relationship moves on in time, but perhaps not really growing. (I think it is all okay and good, but mean time back at the ranch, lovely lady is not. Later on in the relationship, we have a little fight one morning. She asks me from across the living room, whilst I make some coffe, what my problem is. Me hating waking up in the morning to negativity, wanting to embrace a new and God given gift every morning, is so frustrated, that I just ramble back at her “You are my problem”. So she take major offence and says that if she is such a big problem for me, then she will move out. She asks me do I want her to leave. I say yes. (Not knowing its leave for good and move out of the house totally). She then packs all her stuff and moves out. Both of us are so stubborn, that I allow her to go ahead and she goes ahead. I help her to pack, because she’s taking a bit too long for my liking. We then cant stay away from each other and not very long after, she moves back in. Up until today, these things mentioned, is still used in our quarrels we have. Then, time goes by and she finds the wrong pitures of the same ex girlfriend of years ago on my cell phone. These pictures were stored in a social chat app folder, which I carried on through my phone backups and copied over to each new phone I got. I did not even know about the folder and I did not even know about the pictures. Anyways, once again, big problems. We get through that. One night we are sitting listening to music, as we often did, have a fire lit, have some drinks and just enjoy our time together. As I look through the folders, trying to find music we haven’t listened too yet, I stumble upon a folder with video and sound files, but no descriptions in the file names. only long strings of numbers. I double click one and what open in media player. A porn video. I first get the fright of my life and then immediately close media player. She was not totally aware of what happened, but asked me what was that. I said nothing and continued on with the evening. Later the evening, she goes to the computer and finds the folder and starts being really nasty about my porn stash. Now look, I was young and stupid. I watched the porn. I had sexy chicas as my desktop background, posing all seductively on bikes and cars and the like. I read men’s magazines (Also a previous quarrel in our relationship) like FHM and Men’s Health etc. This folder was a recovery foder, also of one of my old phones that I recovered when the memory card had crashed. I also did not know of it’s existence and never perused it as such to get my daily porn fix. There I go again and get super angry. She is super angry. I say I do not watch porn and she’s the only woman for me etc. Fight gets out of hand and I go and smash the whole PC (Literally bought it the provious week. Still did the last payment on it at the end of that month.eeeekkkkk.) Anyways, she found at asome stage a sock in our room. (I don’t know who’s sock it is, really). She also finds hair in the house all the time. When she was blonde, she found dark hairs. Now she is brunette, and she keeps finding blonde hairs (But not her own blonde hair strands. No. Her hair is somehow different to these.) There are people visiting us. There are couple friends and even her family that has slept over at our house before (We live rather far out. ) It could be anybody’s damn hair. One of my very good male friends have long dark hair. (He is a lead singer in a metal band. Rock on.lol) I don’t know whose sock it is. The youngest of our three jack russel terriers are forever stealing anything she can find and carrying it around the house and yard area.
She accuses me around every corner that I am cheating. All I do is work and go home and every now and then, I would go to a shop. She has accused me of having along distance sexual affair with someone because I read up about VR and how it is improving and eventually got to an article about VR and sex.

She has accused me of having a homosexual affair with one of my friend, or with two or three actually. She doesn’t want me to make food or coffee or tea for her or “her son” when she is in a bad mood, because she is afraid that I will poison them. When she gets a headache or eats something bad and her stomach runs, she accuses me of poisoning her or slipping something into her food to make her sick.
We have this whole issue about discipline and the children. That is another huge topic which I cannot even begin to explain here now.
Anyways, I broke off the relationship one early morning, when I found her around midnight, in the garage, sitting there going through my phone. I wasn’t even angry. I felt so sorry for her. I looked at her and saw how broken she must have been. I said if this is what I cause you to become, then this relationship is finished. Right here and now. She then phoned me later that day, apologised and said that she was going to get some help. I said, in that case my babe, I am 100% behind you. Support you all the way and this stuff that happens does not change my love for you. Let us work this out and fix it.
Went ok for a couple of weeks, just to all fall flat again. She lost her brother tragically this year. Soon after found out she was pregnant again. I proposed (What a nerve-wrecking experience, but awesome) Had a fight and she said she can never trust me and she is leaving me. I begged and pleaded. I even cried and wrote her a song. She kept breaking off the engagement around every corner our relationship proverbially ventured. (She stopped that now, because her father’s wife asked her one night if she even thinks what that is doing to me. She said no, she never actually thought about that.) So that is good at least, but this trust thing is just killing our relationship.

We even did a course couples go on before getting married. Learnt so much and it was really so so good for us. Even whilst at the course, we would have fights about things.
This very morning, I was accused again of cheating, as I made the bed in a nice way and tidied up the bedroom before coming to work. I have been accused of having affairs at my work, with ex girfriends, with the mother of my child(will NEVER go there again. lol) With unknown persons, with male friends of mine. I don’t even want to take her to a restaurant or any other place for that matter, because I know that, the moment another remotely attractive person enters any type of picture here, I will be accused of looking at the person with “wanting eyes” or in a sexual manner or the tip for the waitress will be too much or that I am flirting. Now, I know men and woman often argue about the flirting thing, leading a woman on and then the guy would usually say he is not even aware that he does this. In my case, I literally look down, physically bend my head so that I can only see the table in front (beneath) me. I have often made a point not to even greet the waitress. I have for instance , when the waitress asks me what I want to order, specifically not even looked up at any person, but kept my eyes freakishly fixed on my woman and then I don’t even as much as talk or smile or anything to the waitress. I actually then speak directly to my woman, and she recites the order to the waitress, or in most cases, the waitress can obviously hear me speaking, so she writes down my order, but probably think I am a bit of a nutter. I really don’t care what she thinks. I just need this love of my life to come to the party and work on these problems.
If anyone is reading this far, you can probably understand that, she is pregnant now again. Baby is due late December, early Jan.
I am at a place where I believe, I would have made the difficult decision of letting her go, really moving her out of my life, as much as it is going to hurt and as much as I really love and care for her and her son and my daughter and her son has obviously grown to love each other. As much of a tradgidy that this would be, I would do it, because I do not have any hope that this will get better and cannot see myself spending the rest of my life this way, maybe a little bit better, maybe a little bit worse.
But, that is not even an option. Because what about new baby. I want to give these children the home that I am already giving them. The father that they need. I love all of them and her and cant wait for the new addition.
I just don’t know which way any more with this fanatical behaviour, which seems to only get worse as time goes by.
I explained some scenarios in this massive writing piece, which could be perceived by someone that would hear her side of the story, as me being a real sleaze ball and a cheater of note. I have no reason to hide anything here. You guys dont know me and never will and she will never read this, so I really have no reason to lie about this. If, in any way, there is anyone out there, that could, by means of uttering a couple of words, shed some light on this (basically our lives depend on it) it would be amazing.

Reply
    cj

    your story is similar to mine

    Reply
    Lei

    It’s my story as well… and I’m wits end I don’t know what to do…

    Reply
Carol

So I’ve got a problem. I have been with my boyfriend/fiancé for almost 7 years. We have had a challenging relationship, I used to deny him sex a lot in the beginning. I worked overnight, and was super tired, so I just didn’t have the energy. He felt like he was being a bug. Now, we have sex regularly, at least a few times a week, but there are the occasional denies… Well, all of the sudden, he has really changed things up, and hS been secretly recording my day, while he is at work, with a cell phone. He has this recording, it starts off of me waking him up in the morning, when I get off work. Then he is receiving a blow job from me, then he goes to work. After that, I’m exhausted from working all night, and I fight sleep on a constant basis, so I’m tired, and making odd noises. About 3.5 hrs later, he comes home for lunch (a quickie), and returns to work.
Somewhere, in his head, he believes that he hears whispering, and sex noises other than ours, and I’m being accused left and right. He even accused me of sleeping with his son. Disgusting! I am completely humiliated, because he has let other people listen to this as well, asking what they think is going on. I have never cheated on him, and NEVER WOULD. I know the hurt it brings. It sucks. He has lost all trust in me, and is threatening to leave now. I love him so much, but I’m so angry! What can I do to prove myself? Maybe nothing, I just needed to vent… Please leave me comments, besides LEAVE HIM… that’s not what I want to do. I am innocent, and want to let him know I’m loyal. Thanks for reading

Reply
    CJ

    You need to ask yourself WHY do you love him “SO MUCH”. If he has it in his head that you are cheating with no proof, then nothing is going to change his mind. Sometimes men (and women) invent these stories in their head to exert power over their partner. “Oh she cheated, so now she’s going to have to do everything I say and give me everything I want to prove to me she’s sorry”. This is his problem, not yours. If it’s making you exhausted trying to fix this or change his mind, then I’m sorry, but you know what you have to do.

    Reply
Santos

My husband started accusing me almost 10 years ago. It would come and go. And his basis for the accusation is my attitude. My impatience, aggravation, irritation to things. I have very little patience when it comes to certain things in my life, I hate being late, so when I see that I am running late, my crazy nerves take over and I become irritable, even towards my children.

I am a manager for a transportation firm, which is very demanding, I am a full time student in College, I have 3 young children who still need help with homework. While my husband lays in bed all night (after a hard days work) playing on his phone, I am taking care of household chores, kids, homework etc….We went 2 years without any fights. I started to become overwhelmed with my busy life so I become irritable. He took this as a sign that I am cheating! He had access to email account which is tied to my school, he intentionally changed my password so I couldn’t access it. The minute I did, I changed my password and password retrieval information.

I use to stay late at work, but, decided that I needed more time with my family – he took this change as a sign that I am cheating.

I pay for my own car, as I was trying to leave yesterday because we were fighting, he tells me I had to walk.

I believe he will NEVER change. He did temporarily but has since then become violent and very degrading towards me.I believe his is very controlling and very possessive. I also feel that he may be the one cheating on me.

Thanks for the Article….I found it to be very informative.
Vera

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    Lizzy

    What are you going to do? I’ve been married to my husband for a year and I’ve been hoping he will change. You’ve been married for the years, I don’t want to live like this for that long. Do you think they will ever stop?

    Reply
      cj

      No, if it is a recurring issue, then sorry to say it’s never going to stop.

      Reply
Andi

My partner and I have had a similar problem for the past 18 months, although to this day we do not know who is behind it. We are in a LDR – I am in Australia and he in the US, so trust is extremely necessary for our relationship to work.
Whoever the person is behind the messages, they have been bombarding us with messages containing expletive languange, links to dating sites for made up profiles of my partner, accusations that I am cheating on him with a man from my area and more. It has gotten to the point where my partner is starting to think I am behind the messages in order to control him while I’m here in Australia. Each time we try to deal with whoever is behind all the trouble, the email account is closed and another pops up maybe a week later, continuing the messaging.
My partner has been married before and his wife left him for another man she met online, so he does have deep fears about being cheated on and/or left for someone else, which makes it hard at times to be united in this battle. Especially when he is distancing himself from me, thinking I am the culprit behind everything. I’m starting to run out of ideas on how to get him to see that I’m not the issue and that I have his back

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    mar

    call the police. that i totally inappropriate harassment.

    Reply
Stressed and confused

I really could use some advice. I’ve been with my bf 3 years on and off in the beginning it was good now we constantly argue he feels like I’m always doing something he thinks I’m having sex with any and everybody down to my cousins and their spouses. I go to work and come home and stay to myself I have no friends anymore I barely see my family and we all live together I never know when he works cause he think I’m trying to clock him I met one of his friend’s and that turned out bad then I was being accused of him everything I do is suspect to him I used to cook for him now I’m scared to live my room cause how he feels and reacts girls text is phone calling him papi and they want him all to their self and they just need him to give them the word and they will leave their bf and he says he doesn’t respond he don’t know why she feel like that he don’t make her feel no way that they messed around when we broke up but he still talks to her and thinks its OK he leaves for hours I never no where he is or what he doing and he inspects my private parts and makes me feel bad I get angry and hit him and we fight and he says because I’m guilty that’s why I get physical which is not true ive told him I’d take a lie detector test and consueling but he refuses what should I do…..

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    Michelle

    Sweetheart you need to grow a set and leave that prick. What you’ve described is not love. It is manipulation and a need to control. I wouldn’t suggest couples counseling but once you’ve left maybe speaking with an expert about how to fix your issues..I would. No one, let me repeat that, NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. Right now the thought of leaving him is scary because you’re so in love but trust me when I say this….you WILL love again. And when you are in a good relationship with someone who treats you with the respect and love you deserve you will look back and wonder….”Why the f*#? did I waste so many years on that douche”

    Reply
      CG

      Stressed and confused, that is NOT love. It’s obsession. Ask yourself one question, “WHY do you love this man?” Is it possible you’re addicted to the drama? or the need to change or save him?

      Reply
at the end

I had an affair 25 yrs ago that lasted 3 and a half yrs. She found out about it but we stayed together and tried to make ago of our marriage. When she found out she went out sleeping around with two men, one of them she tells me she only had sex with him once (He worked in the same company as her). The other man who also worked there lasted longer and she stayed weekends with him at a friend house and was planning to move into a flat that they were looking at We are still now together 25 years later but in those 25 years she has accused me of seeing other women and wont believe me when I say IM NOT. Is this a cover up for her having an affair?

Reply
    CJ

    Dude, you set the stage 25 years ago. And even though she herself strayed from the marriage after she found out, your wife obviously never got over it. If you’re not having an affair, or even entertaining the idea, then invest in some quality marriage counseling.

    Reply
carol

My boyfriend and i have been together for 5 years and he cheated on me durinng the second year of.our relationship. i.forgave him.and we moved on from that. But lately he and i havent been having sex and today he accused me of cheating on him. I have never cheated on him and he thinks because i am starting to.have a.life. with my friends i am cheating. I dont know how to solve this problem please help.

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Quentin

Thanks for the Info,

I have been together with my Wife for 8 year and are married for 4. if i think back i have been accused of cheating from the start and it ended up that we got separated for 6 months.
She would go through my work phone asked who was every one’s no that phoned me went through all my work emails and as soon as she saw a woman’s name i was in trouble.
I remember once where i got a quote from overseas and it was late at night as the times diver from where i stay and she totally went off about a woman sending me a quote late at night. i tried to explain that it was overseas and she said that the woman overseas should know what hours i’m working and should send a mail at that time.
She even went as far as hiding my phone from me for a week at once so i could not use it to chat to other woman according to her and this was a company phone.

I was not allowed to use any social networks no Facebook no Whatsup no Twitter nothing she even went through my phones memory usage and if she saw that facebook showed some memory usage i had it and was cheating.

She would time me for what time i would be of from work and if i’m 15 min later i was cheating on her and was with someone else according to her.

I could not see my family and all of my family was bad in her eyes it always ended up in fights.

So we got separated and we have two beautiful boys and eventually got together again. The first two months was grate she left me to do my work i could use facebook and whatsup bud after a while she started going through my phone again and she saw some woman leaving comments and a picture of a friends post she lost it so now i’m not allowed to have facebook anymore.

One off my workers sister send me a message asking how her brothers doing at work as there father has died and they have not heard from him since i simply replied he’s at work and he is fine.
Two days after she went through my phone without me knowing and saw the message.
She lost it and told me that i’m cheating again and after that she messaged the workers sisters telling her to stay away from me and she is flirting with me.

Next day i was in our HR departments office and had to explain as the phone belongs to the company.

Now she is going through my phone again regularly every time she takes i’m just waiting for the fight.

We had another fight again today she said when i come home from from work she will be packed with the children and i must take her to her mother as she cannot take the cheating of me anymore.

I should of never taken her back i thought thing would have changed what should i do?
I Love my Boys.

Reply
    CJ

    Take her to her mothers and get a password on the work phone. What you wife is exhibiting is not love, it’s obsession, and it’s not healthy for your boys to see that. If you have cheated at any time in the relationship, admit it and own it. If you haven’t, then there’s nothing you can do to change your wife’s mind. It’s her problem, not yours.

    Reply
Disgusted

Wife had a major business failure and went into bankruptcy. Since she closed her business, she hasn’t worn her wedding or engagement ring. She has been in states of depression and was told by a psychologist that she was in a “long-term grieving” process over loss of the business because she put her whole life into it. After the business closed, she couldn’t find work for a year. She came to me one day and said we should see other people, meet new friends and she wanted to have a “girls weekend” out (yeah, I know what that means). I talked her out of it. But, my red flag was up. I went an opened a separate bank acct. in a different bank. For almost a year she’s been on Facebook constantly and everytime I pass her while she’s on her IPad or iPhone, she either turns the screen away from me, or jumps from one screen to another. I started to get suspicious and confronted her a couple of times. She says she is entitled to her “privacy” (and we’re married!!!!!!). One day this year, the bank I opened the separate account in stupidly sent the statement to the house, after I told them I wanted electronic statements. My wife saw this and went nuts. She stopped any intimacy, touching or affection. She left the bed a month later. She told me she needed a month to think about it. A month has passed. I asked her what she wanted to do. She started screaming and throwing things at me saying I’m “smothering her”, “she has a right to privacy”, blah, blah, blah. She assaulted me (threw a glass at me that broke and I was hit with broken pieces, punched me in the back, and threw the TV remote at me in front of her brother and brother-in-law whom she called; they yelled at her for doing it). She threatened to call the cops on me. I told her I already filed an incident report against her for threatening me a couple of times before that she was going to have me removed from the house. It was like she was struck with thunder and lightning. Since then, she’s been acting nicely and courteously to me; I am ONLY her husband you know. I think she is going to be seeing her friend of the “affair” in a few days and have contacted a P.I. I’m at wits end after 21 years of a relationship (3 yrs. married), and I supported her emotionally, financially, and every other way through her failed business and afterwards. I even raised her daughter, who’s own father didn’t care about her. The daughter has told me she loves me very much. She is married with 2 babies and told me if anything ever happens I am still “grandpa” to the babies.

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Taesmama

I need help. I don’t know if I should keep fighting for my relationship or let it go. He thinks I’m cheating, I’m not. He says “he can see all the signs” and won’t allow me to explain. The hardest part is his “signs” do look awful but they all have simple explanations. I only want him but how long do I get punished for something I didn’t do? Is it even possible to save our relationship or am I just hurting myself by trying? I love him desperately and don’t want to lose him. I’m so tired of hurting.

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    ms.smith

    I know how you feel I am going through the same thing with my husband of 9years I am so tired I can’t take it anymore I’m ready to give up on our marriage

    Reply
      Ellie

      I am going through the same thing. It is so sad that after 4 years of being together and with two kids that I’ve devoted myself to, I’m still being accused of something I have never done to him. He cheated on me and even at that I took him back, but now I question myself if I should just let him go. I can’t take these accusations anymore.

      Reply
      Hurt

      If you have kids together, stay together. It is better for kids to live in a home with some tension rather that two separate homes and having their world torn apart. Speaking from personal experience:/

      Reply
        Kim L

        Dear Hurt,
        It is never good to keep children in an environment where abuse is happening. Verbal, physical, controlling, sexual, emotional abuses are all bad for children to be in the house with. And remember, if a child sees you being abused, then they are also being abused.

        Reply
    Santos

    I know exactly how you feel. I was very dependent on my husband for years. He became my driving force to get a full time job that paid very well, while going to school to earn my degree in accounting. Because of his control, I lost a great career in the National Guard, respect of my peers, time with my parents, children, grandmother, cousins, uncles and aunties. I was miserable for a very long time, I actually blamed myself for the abuse.

    Its just not worth it anymore. Now, he’s stooping as low as having my 3 year told daughter ask me where I am going, as I pack a bag to leave the house. Most men the leave the home, while the wife stays with the kids. My case is totally opposite, he will still be able to control me as long as I stay in the home that he pays for.

    I decided to leave my children where they are comfortable, leave as soon as my baby goes to bed and back in the morning, in time to get my kids ready for school. That is the best I can do for them and for myself.

    I wish you luck though. Stay STRONG…!

    Reply
    Eli

    My husband accuses me of prostitution almost everyday. I have been accused of sleeping with the lawn man to the boy that works in the gas station, co workers, family friends, men at the park who looked or did not look my way, neighbors, family members, hospital attendants, doctors and nurses, teachers at my kids school, you just name it, and I go through this everday, and have been for the past 8 years! It was beginning to kill me, I was dying slowly, I completely isolated myself from the whole world, I was very sad and depressed but I stayed for my kids and because I loved my husband. Recently, I made up my mind to leave, after he accused me of flirting with the staff at the ER, where I was rushed in for toothache. I was in so much pain, I was praying for death. My husband accused me of flirting with the staff there, called me the white man’s sex slave, all these he accused me of, with my swollen face, sore gum and filled with misery. I have decided to leave him, take my kids and start afresh, I can already see myself living free and with my kids, and it gives me so much joy, am excited. Don’t let anyone make you live your life like this, real love is nothing like this. Get out while you can, your spouse might be sick in the head or unhappy with something in their past or present, and just want ti drag you into their pain…Get Out Now!!!

    Reply
Concerned wife

I have been married for 3 yrs and we have been together for 12 yrs. I don’t know if my husband is cheating on me. 1 week ago we were interduced to this girl, a friend of my sister in laws. Whom has affairs with married men. The next day after meeting her my husband went hiking with his family and her. I asked him not to as it made me unconfortable. As if that was not enough. I pulled up to him and he was in the car with her. Then never came home and claims to have stayed with his family that night. We have been arrguing about this for the last week. He is cold and brushed me off. Has not been the loving caring attention giving and needing husband. He tells me Im worng for feeling hurt. Since he had not done anything wrong. Please help. I feel that my marriage is falling apart all from 1 day.

Reply
    Cassandra

    Im very sorry you are going through this. I really feel for you.
    firstly I would explain to him the reasons you feel this way 1. Rumours about the woman 2. Going with her even though you said it was crossing a boundry. Many men and woman would feel the same way. 3. Not coming home. Thats a big one. Very selfish on his behalf if you ask me. If he didnt do anything he surely went out of his way to look as though he did. Loving someone isnt a reason to allow yourself to be mistreated. Im sure your husband would feel the same if the table was turned. I feel if your husband wont take the time to mend your hurt that he at the least gave the impression of, then you should start to ask yourself weather its worth the grief. Life is to short. Dont fear being alone. Dont fear meeting new people. Dont fear others judgment. No do overs you only live once make the most of it. Find happiness if he cant give u peace and happiness as you do for him then time to go.

    Reply
Anonymous woman

I am seeing someone like this right now who is a gd liar and a cheat. I have been with him for the last 7 years. and after 7 yrs he says i am stalking him? LOL yeah right. We are both past 50 yrs old, so you figure that one out. last night i had a dream he left me for some other bitch with a baby. and i have had other dreams of him cheating on me. I think its time for me to take matters into my own hands and pay him back for all of the hell & hurt he has caused me. When i get thru with him, he wont have shit. not even a gf because where he is going he wont need one . LOL. sucks to be him.

Reply
    Stop_day_dreaming

    All because of s dream you had? Its a fantasy in your head and your going to cause all those problems beause of it? I hate to say it but actually it sucks to be you!

    Reply
brian

Well she got the divorce and 10 years later she’s in hospice dying. Accused me of adultery to justify her behavior.
Do you believe in heaven and hell, I do. And, something’s, like that, are unforgivable.

Reply
    nv

    I feel your pain and it’s not fair

    Reply
Mjames

I too have gone through similar experiences and I decided that I refused to live my life in agony. Since 1 month in our relationship I have been accused of having “wandering” eyes. He accused me of liking his brothers and even sleeping with one of them. He accused me of cheating but could never explain details behind his belief. He accused me of being a lesbian and sleeping with female friends. He accused me of lying about work and my whereabouts. The last and final straw was when he accused me of sleeping with my own brother!!! Only a sick person would say such a thing. Do you know how hurtful that was? It was like a stab to the heart. He is psychotic and I left him! I’m not looking back. It took me 5 years 2 of which we were married to finally get the courage to leave. I’m too good of a woman to be mentally and physically abused. If you are going through this get out now!!! It only gets worse! Trust me! Look yourself in the mirror and say “I deserve to be loved and happy!”

Reply
    cora l williams

    i bn with my mate for 4 years we got married last year oct 4 2014 this year goin to make a year so around this month when i started this new job he acussed me of cheating made me cry i kept telling him ova n ova so we had a talk so things went back to normal and a couple of days later he didit again i dont no what to say any more every thing you went threw im going threw it right now

    Reply
    Miko

    I know what it’s like to be accused of cheating with a family member. My partner accused me of cheating with my own step father when he knew I was molested as a child and even heard my therapy sessions. They will stop at nothing to make you feel bad because they are insecure and possessive and look at you like you are an object instead of a human being.

    Reply
    Nameless

    This sounds exactly what I am going through. Been together 3 years, married one. I didn’t think we would make one year. Somehow we did. He has accused me of cheating at least 10 times. The last time (one week before our anniversary) he actually found “evidence” in the toilet!!! I am dumbfounded as to how he can think I was cheating and there is “you know what” in the toilet. I have been accused of being a lesbian and sleeping with everyone I talk to work related. I feel like I am in prison and being mentally terrorized. I am fearful of everything I do because he will see it as suspicious. I lost friends and never do anything.

    Reply
    Toya

    I hear u it seems so hard to leave I’ve been accused of everyone drug addicts family members I’ve tried to leave kicked him out he keep coming back I think I should move out of state I’m so lost I’ve lost almost 80 lbs from stressing im still with him and it gets harder everyday he makes me feel bad if I kick him out he has no where to go how to move on please I need help I’m sad and confused I’ve tried everything sometimes I almost start to feel like I’ve done the horrible things he convinced himself I’ve done

    Reply
Joe

can anyone help me with controlling my jealous behaviour? I have been seeing an incredible girl for about 3 months and in that time I’ve accused her twice of cheating! I was cheated on by my ex with one of my best friends and it destroyed me! I would cry out of the blue and felt absolutely gutted all the time. The girl I’m seeing is amazing and she’s the first person for over 3 years that I’ve had real feelings for so I really want to make an effort to stop being so accusing of her because I know it really upsets her to think I think that badly of her. The first time I accused her was about a month in and I thought she was talking to another guy and meeting him so I told her, she denied it and said I was ridiculous for even thinking it and we had a long argument over it which only resulted in me feeling even worse than when I thought she was up to no good. We sorted things out and it was fine we were getting on great until last weekend, she had already told me about this and we had discussed it and come to an agreement on it, basically she was going away for a night out with a group of about 12 friends one of which was her ex! To start with she told me way in advance that she was going and he was going too and that she may have to share the hotel room with him because the rest of her friends had already sorted who they were sharing with, I told her no way and she said that was fine because she would hit the roof if it were the other way around, so she told her friends that and then her ex started moaning that he didn’t want to pay full price for his own room so she ended up sharing with him anyway! I was fuming and put in an awkward position because I haven’t met her friends yet and I didn’t want to kick up a massive fuss about it and make myself look bad to them and her, I wanted to show her I trust her and reluctantly said ok. So anyway she goes but for about a week before her ex is texting her saying things like show me your beautiful face and I can’t wait to go it should be fun!! Which set my mind racing, the closer it got the worse it got and by the time she was there and on the night out I was freaking out thinking all sorts of things, she was ringing me from the night out playing songs to me down the phone and then I hear a mans voice saying lets go and find everyone else now!!!! That was it for me she was definitely up to no good in my mind! So I just blanked her calls and texts till the next day but she knew I was annoyed so the next day came to see me at work when she got back and we kind of sorted things then but not really because we still ended up arguing later on and she said I was pushing her away with all the accusations, now it’s been a week and I’ve seen her a few times but not as much as I’d have liked to she’s busy with work being a teacher in training which I can understand that she has a lot of work to do but she just seems really distant since last week and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t want to say pay me more attention and look desperate or insecure but I can’t help feeling she’s lost interest or that I have pushed her away and she’s just hanging on for something better and keeping me on the back burner! I really really do love her and tell her a lot and she does too but I still get the feeling she may just be saying it! This is what I need help with the most I want to believe what she says and not think the worst All the time because it’s driving me crazy in torn between ending it myself to stop this feeling and carrying on hoping it will go away! I want to be with her and I know I’d be hurting myself and her if I ended it because of my problems so please any advice is welcome!!……..

Reply
    Bella Alba

    Hi
    I have a few questions for you….Do you feel like you deserve her? Are you truly happy? Do you like being angry and confused?
    I know love hurts and it’s scary not knowing but it’s time to take that leap of faith TRUST! Sometimes the mind thinks it knows what the heart wants. You have to decide if she is worth the risk. She seems like a very upfront, honest woman. That’s a rare quality. If you love her then go for it. “It’s better to have loved and lost that never to have loved at all.” I learned a long time ago you can’t make anyone do anything. Relationships are hard work but once you work out the kinks, I hear they’re pretty amazing. If you’re asking for advice, you’re on the right track. Keep loving and let all of your insecurities go. I know it’s hard and losing someone you love hurts but life is too short to sweat the small stuff. GOD has a plan for all of us. Put your faith in HIM and it will all work out. She’s with you so you must be the man in her life. Relax, breathe, let go of all negativity, and take the plunge. Lol

    Reply
sydney

i have been with my partner for 2and a half years for the first 6 months i dealt with a lot of crap left over from his first relationship. All to do with trust issues, space, accusations of disloyalty. we worked through almost all of it at the moment we live together first time so we have seperate rooms but we rarely sleep apart. I work in hospo so sometimes i dont get home till 1- 2 in the morning. its weird though we rarley have sex its almost like a chore for him now and when i come home really late i find him pantsless asleep it weird and half the time he has no memory falling asleep like that. He also talks in his sleep sometimes asking me why im there. On top of that i have started getting accused of being disloyal and he is having nightmares about me cheating and hes just been extra agitated towards me i dont know if he is taking stress out on me or whether something i am to blind to see. I really cant imagine him cheating the idea is almost absurd but maybe. I have no expierence with this type of thing. I dont know whats going on, im so stressed, confused and its bringing me down a lot
i have never cheated on anyone ever. Female population help.

Reply
    Angel

    Honey, that is cheating behavior I’m sorry!!

    Reply
    elizabeth

    Does he take any benzos that you know of? My ex was secretly eating Xanax and was never interested in sex and I’d always find him in weird naked positions. Like propped up in his bed with his junk in his hand and no memory of what he had been doing or falling asleep. He’d black out entire nights.

    Reply
Connor Holland

Hello guys, I’m just wondering if you could help at all. So, me and my partner have been together for quite some time now, and recently some weird girl on social media started stirring some rubbish, telling Gemma (partner) to back off and that I was hers… Yet I didn’t even know who this other girl was in person – she used to just pop up every now and then with regards my music career. Anyway, after a short while, this other girl was blocked from contacting us because we was worried about it. But now my girlfriend believes that I am cheating on her. Although I have strong evidence to back up my accusation. I’ve never cheated, and neither has she. It would be great to get a response from somebody about this, I’m not sure what else I can do – I don’t want this to end due to some stalker. Thank you.

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    Miko

    I’ve dealt with this. My boyfriend’s ex girlfriend would send messages to me on fake facebook accounts and in game we would play to stop at nothing to try to break us up because he broke up with her and was happy with me. Think about both sides of the situation about whether someone may be jealous of your relationship. It could be an ex trying to break you up and win either of you back.

    Reply
    Nameless

    I was terrorized by a ” unknown friend” of my husbands who would email him that I was cheating and actually produced pictures to prove it. Well they were stolen off a friend’s wall and were from years before I was even dating my husband. This “friend” was so concerned and kept trying to stop him from seeing me and that I lie and cheat etc. The friend was “concerned about him and he deserved better”. This went on for a year. There was nothing I could do this person would deactivate the email when we tried to respond.

    Reply
steph

So i have been with my bf for about 3 years now and latley things have been weird for example one night i was sleeping and he left to hang out with his friend, i woke up around 2 in the morning and called him to see if he wawas heading home, he didnt answer but i heard the fence open and surely it was him. He came in and i was awake then he begins asking me who was the guy that i was hanging out with and i was soo confused since i was asleep and had woken up maybe 5 or 10mins before. He then explained he saw a guy in the alley in back of our house in a bike and he looked like my sisters boyfriends brother. I told him i was asleep what was his problem and he began telling me he feels im lying or hiding something. We argued because i feel offended by him everytime im accused of doing something that i havent done mostly cheating since i have never done anything to make him think that way. Today i went to a rosary because a friend died and he didnt go because he went to pick up our baby. He came to pick me up and i wasnt answering my phone because i was consoling my friends daughter since she was crying and didnt want to eat. After i came out and my phone was dead. I walked to the corner because i seen a car with their Emergency lights. Since it wasnt our car i walked back the other way and seen the car. As i opened the door he said who was in the van i came out of?? I was so confused because i hadnt came out from any van. I want to work things out but i cant stand him accusing me of thinks that dont make sence to me. I try talking to him but we always end up disagreeing or arguing. Any advise i feel bad when he accuses me because i see how he thinks of me. I love him but i dont understand his trust issues and his made up theories. Has someone ever been threw this? Did you work out? Does this mean we are in a unhealthy relationship? How can i help him believe me and trust me?

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    markita

    Yes. I feel you. The relationship I’m currently in he keeps accusing me of cheating on him also
    But I have so much respect for him I ccouldn’t imagine being with someone else.
    He came in the house “from running errands” and as he walked in the door I was sitting on the sofa, and before he said anything he said it smells like sex. In the living room. Truth is I
    Was just smoking weed about 5-10min before he came in. He didn’t believe it was the strong smell of the weed. In his mind I was just cheating on him. Funny thing is my past relationship, the guy constantly accused me of cheating on him almost everyday. Come to find out
    It was him doing all of the sleeping around. It will have you doubting yourself. It makes you feel so low and sad. No thought of cheating has even crossed my mind.

    Reply
      Thea

      Omg your story is so much like mine. This guy talk to himself night and day most negative. He hear voices. He was once in love with me until his illness took over. Everyday he would accuse me of cheating , said I smell like fresh sex when I just got home from work. He would check my underwear. Life’s like living in hell. I have one a son with him that’s why I’m so tide on to him. Abuse in many ways. He would treat me like shit but treat other with respect. All the voices in his head would come strong around me to make him angry..I’m so hurt he tell me he no longer want to be with me. That he don’t love me anymore after 9 years of being together. He’s not taking any med or getting any kind of treatment. I’m so hurt.. Any suggestions. …where can I go for help?

      Reply
    Sally

    You are the only power in your world, but you cannot change your boyfriend. What you can do is to unemotionally stick to facts in your explanation and to explain how sleepy you were at the time. Keep standing up for yourself. Your bf sounds responsible if he went to pick up the baby. If you come from a position of not being needy (you aren’t emotionally needy like a child, but you are an adult who has something positive to offer in an relationship – such as positive self esteem and positive relationship esteem- and you aren’t fearful – you don’t fear disapproval) then you will be strong. You can become independent by identifying with your higher power, your godlike self. I recommend a CD put out by Mellen-Thomas Benedict called Journey through the Light and Back, specifically disc 2. (I have no financial interest and this CD has been illuminating for me). Your job is to love, heal and redeem yourself, not your boyfriend. Only he can work on himself. But you can stay in a positive relationship with him by maintaining your own positive self-esteem (and that doesn’t mean conceit) and positive relationship esteem. He sounds needy and fearful. Keep reassuring him his doubts are without merit. Good Luck! 🙂

    Reply
    Angela

    Going through the same thing too he accusing me for something I never done I feel so hurt because I am faithful to him . He broke up with me calling me a lier and a cheater and that I’ve beentalking to a much older man. I am so in love with my boyfriend I dnt understand how he would do this to me now I can’t contact him cause he changed his number I feellike I am dying

    Reply
    Therapist

    If he is stepping out in the middle of the night and accusing strange men of being with you when you are sound asleep not to mention accusing you of stepping out of vehicles you were never in, this man is either delusional or projecting his actions/cheating onto you.

    Some people think they can justify their own cheating if they convince themselves that their partner is also cheating. If they convince themselves then they can feel better about their own wrong actions.

    If any person, man or woman is stepping out in the middle of the night to “hang with a buddy,” they are lying, because why wouldn’t they hang with their buddy during the day?

    You need to walk away from this one.

    Reply
    nikkie

    hi yes I have been with my boyfriend goin on two years now and I am goin through that exact thing I am constantly being accused of cheating and like you said I respect him to much true enough I did do some dirt at the beginning but we have been through so much that I have actually changed my ways a lot but he will come to my job and pick out random cars remind you I work in a hotel and he will say that they are there for me or he will take pictures of licensing plates and swear that they are around our home or something he also comes in the house after him being gone all night and start inspecting stuff and asking off the wall questions ive been goin through this for a year now and im so tired of being accused its gets worse but that’s jus a brief story of what I am dealing with and I feel everything you are saying I hope things get better for you as well as myself especially cause he asked me to marry him and I said yes 🙁

    Reply
      Therapist

      There is no need to put up with being accused of stuff you are not doing for over a year. Where does a misunderstanding and accusations turn into mental abuse? A week? a month? A year? If this has been going on for over a year then it’s never going to change. You are the only one that can decide if they want to live their lives that way or not. I’d put him with the rest of the trash at the curb if I were in your shoes.

      Reply
cat

hi kim so ive been in a relationship with my guy for about 2 years now. about 7 months ago we broke up, so i decided to just start fresh and start trying to talk to someone new to get my mind off of it. so i ended up trying to text this one guy names mike, but i thought to myself why am i talking to you? why would i want to be with anyone else? so i quickely deleted his number and never thought about the kid again. Me and my boyfriend got back together the next day. So a month later, Thomas ( my boyfriend) got word of me texting the kid, now i admit i was flirting with the kid big time. But i soon realized i didnt want to be with anyone else so i quickely deleted and blocked his number. So me and thoams got into the biggest fight the day he found out, but we didnt break up. But he has no trust with me at all. So last night thomas was giving me a hard time about something, and so i call one of his friends scott to talk to him about how thomas was acting and if anything else was wrong with him that he wasnt telling me about. so today thomas gets word that i called scott… now thomas thinks im cheating on him with scott??? what do i do

Reply
    Therapist

    You did nothing wrong. This is what you do, you tell him you did nothing wrong, you are not cheating with anyone. Tell him calmly and firmly, and let him know you are not his property you are not his child or his underling, and you won’t be accused of anything you aren’t doing. Tell him it hurts your feelings when you are accused of doing something you aren’t and if he doesn’t stop it, it will ruin your relationship and you will walk away.

    Being firm, and calm and not tolerating a false accusation is usually the best approach. If the person knows deep down you aren’t doing anything and if they themselves aren’t projecting their own cheating, then they will stop. If they don’t then it just proves they don’t want the relationship to work and you’re wasting your time.

    Reply
      joe

      Just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to reign in this kind of behaviour and stop constantly thinking you’re being done wrong? I’ve been seeing a girl a few years younger than me for about 3 months and within that time I’ve accused her twice already of talking to or being alone with other men, the first was someone we worked with and I knew had a thing for her but has a girlfriend. I was convinced that there was something going on with them and kicked off, she got offended and upset and we had a long argument and I felt awful. Now it’s happening again this time with her ex, they have mutual friends and last weekend went away for the night about 12 all in all but a while beforehand she told me that she had to share a room with her ex because everyone else was already sharing. I said no and she said fine because if it were the other way round she would hit the roof, then her ex turns round and says he doesn’t want to pay full price for his own room so they end up sharing again, she told me repeatedly that nothing would happen and she loves me and would never risk losing me over anything but when it came down to it I still accused her of being alone with him and wanting to share the room she told me nothing happened and showed me messages sent between them and there really isn’t anything too bad there especially from what she was saying to him, he made a few comments I don’t like but she didn’t respond to them. Long story short I need help with feeling like this because she means everything to me and has already said when we were arguing that I’m pushing her away, I don’t want to do that I want to pull her further in but everything I do seems to do the opposite and m starting to notice that she’s distant. I’m pretty sure it’s because of me but she is busy with work so I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t know what she’s thinking! She tells me to chill and relax but it’s always going round my mind that she’s already to far away for me to get back

      Reply
      Susan

      Omg, I can’t believe all the women on here that are going thru the same thing, I was even thinking i was the crazy one. I went with him for a year & then we were married almost a year. At first he was the best so good to me and spoiled me. I thought he was my best friend, lover etc. I love him so much but then they change become delusional always turning things around on you. If you don’t answer the phone or text your cheating. Always accuses me of lying & running the streets and if a man knocks on the door then i had sex with them, he says that i have a problem wanting to have sex all the time which isn’t the case. He is the very sexual one but he says that i’m cheating because i’m always tired that means i’m screwing everyone else and that he’s been so dumb because he’s taking it easy on me while everyone else is making love to his wife. I bruise very easily well every time i got a bruise it was a hickie & i was having rough sex since i’m the biggest slut he will call me all kinds of horrible names. I am a strong women & have argued & denied all the accusations because i’m a loyal person & if i love someone I don’t want anyone else. I would find myself not wanting anyone calling me or wouldn’t go anywheres to avoid being accused but that wouldn’t work either he would come home and say you smell like sex. I’m very clean & have never smelled like that only when we have been together. I even deleted my fb because he is very flirty & has his own business and has several women actually most of his friends are women on fb & i would get upset because he is such a bragger puts all his business on fb i would call him a fb whore & i’m more to myself. Never was friends with anyone I dated. But he said i got rid of it because i was ashamed of him didn’t want him to tag me & didn’t want all my lovers being able to contact me. I was in a 27 year old marriage before which my husband previously cheated & i left him we were separated & he died in a accident. But there was some abuse & cheating in that relationship so i never would do such a thing cuz i know how hurt i was when that happened to me. I’m not that type of person. One time we had been dating for 6 months & he had some women’s clothes in his closet & drawers i never snooped but i was cleaning his house & decided to organize his clothes & drawers so i found them. I always carried a bag back & forth. So I said whose clothes are those he said some women that he would see before me but it was nothing just sex. She would come late at night & had to be gone early in the am. So why all the clothes i told him that he needed to get rid of them & he said that i couldn’t tell him what to do at his house. That he would get rid of them when he was ready. I said okay then a couple weeks later i got everything & threw them away. But i had taken a picture of the stuff in trash bags the next time we got into it i sent him a pic of the trash bags & he said why are you sending me that i said your a smart guy figure it out oh my he was furious then he called me all kinds of names & said how dare you he had a safe in his closet & always kept his closet locked most of the time. I didn’t ever even go into his closet he sent me a pic of a busted closet door & said you broke into my closet & stole my safe which he said i stole 30k & important papers. I said okay whatever you say & he said i’m calling the cops there going to dust for fingerprints etc. Then i was so upset & told him he was crazy that all i did was throw trash away. He called me cussing calling me all kinds of names & texting me bad stuff. I stopped responding then a few days later he begged me to come over said i miss you etc. So i went over there and then asked him what about the stolen safe he would change the subject & act like i never said anything never acknowledged it. Well once we dated a year we got married he accused me on the day of my wedding that i was talking to other man cheating we didn’t even sleep together on our wedding night. I was so distraught hurt, upset and felt like what have i done big mistake. But we had my parents his daughter & my sister there so he acted like everything was okay when we saw them but gave me hell in private. Then once we got back he constantly accused me it got worse we argued every other week at first then it was daily. He had his house & i had my house so he would get mad & leave to his house. I would always have to be the one to go to his house & talk to him one time i decided not to call him or text or run to his house for a whole week he said he knew that i didn’t love him at that point & that i should’ve never stayed away that long big mistake. I begged him to come back to my place he did & then he would still accuse me get mad leave same old same old then i got a text from someone i have no idea who saying they missed me & would i meet them i said no because i was married also said who is this? They said if you meet me you will remember who it is. I said no then he was coming & i told them i couldn’t talk to stop texting me I blocked the number because i didn’t want him to ask who keeps texting you so i tried to handle myself. I thought it was a old friend i used to see every now & then but hadn’t seen him since before i got married never cheated never seen anyone once we started dating seriously. Well that person not sure who kept texting for me to meet them i said no i never agreed to meet you they said via text i never actually spoke to them that i should’ve never done that & that they had googled my husband & saw pics on fb when we married which was false because the guy i knew i never told him my husbands name all i said is that i was in a serious relationship and was going to get married so i knew it wasn’t anyone i knew. Then the next thing i know i’m on the phone with my husband then he says i’m getting all these text from someone saying they have information about my wife & then he gets the texts & then he claims that a guy called him saying they had more information i said no they dont because theres nothing. Well then that person disconnects that number & he keeps on asking me who was i cheating with give him a name or our marriage is over. I told him idk who that was that someone set me up that it was probably him or either he was the one cheating cuz usually when someone is always accusing there the ones that is cheating. He left & when i went to his house he said he wanted a divorce because i was a slut liar & a cheater & that he was going to change his locks & put a restraining order on me. So i said dont worry wont ever come back I’m not a stalker. So he filed for a divorce I signed & now he’s asking for the rings everything he ever gave me for my birthday, christmas kitchen stuff, christmas decorations that we bought a tv he bought for my house because mine wasn’t big enough. He cut my cable off because i had dish before he wanted to change to Direct & he put in his name once he left he disconnected it & i had to get it set up again. Called my insurance to remove his name off of my policy. Just very cruel i am heartbroken & feel so hopeless Ive told him lets try to work things out that i didn’t want a divorce. I even got a tattoo with his name on my back & he got my name as well but i had never ever had a tat before. That was to prove to him how much i loved him. But he said he needed a fresh start thats the only way that he can get over me cheating which i never did. Delusional, but i do love him & now he’s saying if i don’t give him his stuff he’s not letting me get my 2 vehicles that i had at his house there older vintage cars. I just don’t get how someone that showed me so much love in the beginning can switch into a heartless person that i’m sure he is telling his kids that i cheated all kinds of things. And he’s posting all over fb that he’s at the casino, having a cookout & his latest deal that he got flowers & that he thinks who there from that usually men dont get flowers but there definitely from a women cuz he doesn’t get down like that. Then a women puts okay i’m busted but look at the beautiful flowers he got me & supposedly she’s a attorney which he probably met when he got our divorce paper typed up because he had me sign a notarized statement that we weren’t going to disagree what was mine is mine & he was to keep his stuff. So I signed that and now he’s pulling this. I am so heartbroken & hopeless i really thought this was going to be my husband for the rest of my life. I even thought of ending my life but i have kids & grandkids & would never do that to my family. He’s someone else i dont know this person he’s not who i fell in love with. I was a widow & went through so much grief before this feels the same way & I can’t wrap my head around it keep trying to figure out what happened who did this but i do believe its him that he didn’t want to be married & just wanted out i even told him why would you put me through all this all you had to do was tell me you wanted a divorce i’m not going to try to force anyone to stay married to me if they dont want to be. It sure does hurt though. But i know i’m a good person & god must have something better for me or i just need peace even if it’s alone. However, i would’ve respected him way more if he could’ve been up front but i guess crazy delusional paranoid men can’t do that.

      Reply
    sarah Joyner

    To night my boy friend thinks I’m cheating on him and my fdaughter is 7 months and my daughter cried because he yelled at me and thinking of leaving and I can’t leave because my daughter and I has no where to go. What can I do to prove i don’t have time to cheat on him?

    Reply
saba nasser

hello!
i have been accused of cheating on my husband. the picture here is little complicated. my husband went abroad for job search to have a better life with me. because of time zone difference he was not able to give time to me. days passed by he wasn’t connecting to me because of the struggle . I on the other hand was going insane thinking what has happened to him why has he forgotten me. just to divert my mind i started talking to my school friend whom my husband don’t know. i was chatting to him and he started flirting and i casually flirted with him. there was nothing between us we were just doing all the drama in chat. there was no infidelity. when my husband read that chat he assumed that i have cheated on him because of the wording. at that time i was in my homeland country and he was abroad. after three months i went to stay with him. i stayed with him for a year. things were not smooth. i tried to explain things but he doesn’t listen. he just kept on saying you stabbed on my back, when i was going through a hard time. he made me feel guilty millions of time. i cried like hell.
after two years of marriage he is giving me a divorce on the basis of that chat.
i am so much broken right now. have a severe depression. he doesn’t want to see my face . want to talk. i don’t understand what to do. i love him a lot. i really do. and he is a nice man. its just he doesn’t want to trust.

Reply
    Kim L

    Unfortunately, too many people think that infidelity is only “physical” or “sexual.” Infidelity occurs any time you take something that belongs in your primary relationship and do it outside. Flirting and “drama” even via technology is still cheating. Read this post to clarify. If you have spent the last year explaining away your actions rather than owning up and admitting they were inappropriate, then it is easy to see why your husband was/is upset.
    It was more than “just a chat” it stepped over the boundaries that surround a healthy relationship. I’m sorry that you fell into the trap of thinking what you were doing wasn’t wrong or cheating. Maybe if you own up and apologize to your husband things could start to heal.
    I wish you well,
    Kim

    Reply
    Therapist

    I find it curious your choice of words. You said “He started flirting,” but you downplayed your own actions by saying “and I casually flirted with him.” Was he casually flirting with you or was he full on flirting? If he was full on flirting then you should have known nothing good would have come from this– unless you were seeking this for a self esteem boost. You wanted to know that you still appealed to men.

    Sounds to me like you were looking for attention, when your husband was away and you sought out the attention from a source you knew would give you this attention.– a school friend that your husband didn’t have any knowledge of, and that’s why this situation turned toxic. Your husband had no knowledge of the guy and it was so easy for you to turn to him when you were feeling ignored.

    Did you physically do anything wrong? This area is grey, because we don’t have any details in the “casual flirting,” or full on flirting because you down played it. Either way, your husband saw the flirting to be a threat to your marriage and felt betrayed. Something was said in the interactions between you and your school friend that made your husband to decide it was over.

    You may not have physically cheated on your husband when he was away but he saw it as an emotional affair.

    Reply
bre

Hello Kim,
Just last night my boyfriend and I went to his friends house. The whole entire night i could hardly get a word in cause they were talking up a storm. When my boyfriends friend would talk to me i would just be polite and occasionally laugh at his jokes. however at the end of the night as we are getting ready to leave his friend asked for a ride to another persons house. so of course we said yes. however we had trouble finding it so we pulled over to a corner store to let his friend ask for directions. When he got out my boyfriend looks at me and says why are you flirting with him? you have been playing with your hair, laughing at everything he says and he also accused me of sticking my butt out to him which is not true because the whole night we were sitting and the only time i stood up was to leave and when i stood up i stretched my back out, im not sure if that looked like i was sticking my butt out but the point is i was not flirting with his friend. my boyfriend and i have a 6 month old son together. i truly believe he is my soul mate and the person i want to be with for the rest of my life. however he is now telling me i am a slut and wont even talk to me and telling me im a liar and to just go with his friend.. i just dont know what to do at this point.. he wont talk to me or even look at me.. please.. i need some advice here. what should i do?

Reply
    Therapist

    Sounds to me like your boyfriend is an ass, and by the accusations and insults (which is NEVER ok,) he has an abusive side to him.

    This may be a prelude of a disastrous relationship in the future. This has warning signs written all over it.

    Dear, if someone loves you they do not I repeat, they do NOT insult you even if there is a misunderstanding. If I were in your shoes, i’d walk away. I know you have a child together, and it’s easier said than done, but in the little you have said here, it sounds like he is a toxic person.

    Reply
cyco eva

WHY IS HE ACCUSING ME OF BEING WITH HIS FRIENDS? IS MY EX ON COKE? A few weeks ago I spoke with my ex, made plans to meet up, and he made a small promise. He didn’t fufil the promise, so I decided not to meet up with him. He has dissappointed me in the past, and I’m unhappy everytime I’m with him because he’s super boring. He’s the most boring & cheap guy I’ve ever been with, all we would do is watch TV. Recently, he told me that he “knows” that i’m with his friend and that im on coke. WTF! I don’t know any of his friends, the few I have breifly met, where I guess what you might call “geeks/nerds”, and I don’t know their names. Also I don’t do coke, so thats totally random as well. What would possess him to accuse me of being with his friends? Is he mentally ill? Where does he come up with these ideas? It hurts so bad to have to let go of a friend, but he’s damaged beyond repair. I think he has good intentions but he is lost in his own head. Unfounded accusations are the most insane shit I’ve ever dealt with. Why on earth would I be with his friends????? Or do coke??? is this his way of telling me that he’s on coke?

Reply
    Therapist

    IF he’s accusing you of stuff you aren’t doing and is damaged beyond repair as you put it, then sometimes people aren’t meant to stay in our lives. They are just there for a brief moment to teach us something. Look like this ex friend has taught you something. He as taught you that people can betray you with lies.

    Walk away.

    Reply
Leslie

My ex fiance ended our relationship of 5yrs. because he believed I was cheating, which I was not. He went so far as to put a digital recording device in our bedroom to catch me while he worked 3rd shift. He claims he heard me with another man, but all I heard was the tv which was left on while I slept. I saw a side of him I’ve never seen in the 5yrs we were together. He wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say to prove to him I didn’t and wouldn’t cheat on him and most definitely wouldn’t bring someone into our home or bed. And his work hours are never the same cause they work until all trucks are loaded so I don’t know when he’ll be home., but he claims the recording proves the “guy” left right before he got home. I know he has trust issues but this is ridiculous , to believe I did this because he’s done this with other men wives and girlfriends in their beds. I have more respect for myself, our relationship and home. I’ve been cheated on in the past and how I felt and would never do that to someone. I felt like I was having a nightmare I couldn’t wake from, then he made a bad situation worse by putting his accusations on Facebook . He’s claiming his family and friends have heard the recording and heard me cheating, which is a lie. I’ve spoken with his mom and sister, they believe him I wasn’t surprised about his mom she’s had a problem with me for a reason I could never figure out. I don’t know if he wanted out of the relationship for some reason and just didn’t want to look like the bad guy.

Reply
    Therapist

    What you need to remind yourself, is you don’t ever need to prove to anyone something you are not doing. He was the one making the accusation, (whether false or not,) he is the one who has the burden of proof.

    This is where most of us fall victim to either emotional or verbal, (sometimes physical) abuse. He needed to prove you were. Not the other way around. He felt that if he bullied you and badgered you then you’d be on your heels. If he’s setting up recording devices, for evidence and still provides nothing except the sound of the TV, and then wanting to humuliate you by putting it on social media??

    Sounds to me like this ex-fiance ending your relationship is a blessing in disguise. Sounds like he’s a loser, abusive and his mother produced and idiot like herself.

    Reply
brokenangel

Ive been married for thirteen years and still do not understand why my husband accuses me of cheating on him ivr been a stay at home mom doing things with our two kids doing the grocery shopping being absentminded never thinking of any man except my husband to have him not communicate with me be jealous of spending time with our kids inviting him to do so never tells them he loves them not ever and thinks having sex is spending time with ive gotten to the point of telling him I hate sex because we never do anything together except that and he never makes plans to ever do anything with me or the kids I dont know what to do anymore ive lost myself making or trying to make him happy

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    Therapist

    Why does he accuse you of cheating, no one will ever know for sure. But my question is why do you continue to stay with someone that continues to falsely accuse you of something you’re not doing. For 13 years. Sounds to me like he is one of those misery loves company type people. If I were to guess he’s a drinker would I be right?

    He sounds emotionally abusive. If he honestly felt you were having an affair he wouldn’t want to have sex with you any more. The fact that he is still willing to sleep with you shows that he knows deep down you are not having an affair. Now That doesn’t mean he isn’t. He might not be, but it is strange to continue to accuse someone for 13 years of having an affair, when he knows you are not. For some reason he feels the need to shift guilt or blame onto you for something. If he felt in his heart you were having an affair he would have left long ago. The fact he hasn’t and the fact he’s still having sex with you shows he knows, you are not.

    Now, why is he behaving the way he is? Is he an alcoholic? Is he physically abusive? verbally abusive? He’s trying to shift the blame of something in him onto you to alleviate his own misery. The sooner you find out what, the better.

    Reply
dave

I’m kind of different, I’m the one with the question, however feel I have significant concerns. A lot of red flags, have talked to her about each in length, she understands and reassures nothing is taking place. My suspicion is one person long time affair. She is friends with his wife and knows their work / home. schedules better than mine. She made the point of introducing herself to him while he was moving in. We were working in the yard together that day. Didn’t say hey let’s go meet the neighbor , ask if he’d like some help, she did this on her own., his wife was not with him. So at the time did not know he was married. His wife will come over and visit regular on Friday/Saturdays , he’s been invited but always has an excuse. We did have a party a while back and he came was stand offish, then at one point was looking for wife to take picture and couldn’t find her. Turns out he and she were the only ones outside in the back.

Am I paranoid?

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    Therapist

    Maybe. More details about how your relationship with your wife would be needed. Has she suddenly kept a strange schedule which she never has had before, working later, needing to go away for weekends, etc. Has her sex drive seemed to plummet, as in she’s no longer interested in having sex with you. Is she suddenly dressing more provocatively, when she didn’t before, is she suddenly receiving strange phone calls and needing to talk privately without you around….

    The fact that a new neighbour has moved in, and she has befriended them doesn’t prove anything….. yet. The fact that he came to your party and was stand-off-ish, also doesn’t prove anything, except he could be a jerk, or having a bad day, and the fact that your wife is in the open back yard with him, doesn’t prove anything either, because most people won’t have an open affair in the wide open. But, if there are other warning signs, and if his wife is also worried because his behaviour has suddenly changed, there could be fire behind that smoke you are seeing.

    If you have more details about her behaviour, it might help shed some light.

    Reply
Haley

Hi I’m haley. I’ve been married to my husband for going on 7 months. We have a long distance relationship and we love each other. But two days ago he got a message from who he says is a complete stranger and new alot about me and showed him a picture (that was not me) and he’s accusing me of cheating. We have a son together and I love my husband so much. I have promised and swore up and down I’m not. But I don’t know what to do to make him believe me. I love him so much. Please help me.

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    Haley

    I’m also afraid he might do something because he thinks I did but I didn’t I don’t know what else to do I don’t want to lose him I can’t lose him please please help me

    Reply
montrez willis

My wife always think I’m cheating, when I’m not doing anything and its getting on my nerves….i really want my marriage to work but I down to my last piece of nerve, so please tell me what to do

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    Therapist

    Then tell her exactly that. You love her and want it to work, but with all these false accusations it can’t work. A human being can only put up with so much, and tell her you are at the end of your rope. It’s up to her if she wants the marriage to work.

    Reply
migs

My bf and i hv been together for almost 5yrs..since the start i told him iv my friends who happen to b with me for half of my life and counting..(now16yrs and counting)..we r 5grls and 1gay(literally gay).snce then i tried to make him undrstand that my gay friend is harmless..but snce he doesnt like gays (mayb cultural reasons coz my bf is an Indian) i undrstand him as well..even my frnds undrstands him too..but i dnt get tored of making him undrstand.my gay friend is one of the person who helped me n my bf alsonin the lowest time of our relationshp.but stil he cnt accept him.he accused me that myb somethng happnd to me n my gay friend bfre ,that myb a slept wth him so on and so forth..he use to name call my friend.whch really freaks me out.he askd me whom i wil choose him or my gay friend whch again i find so unreasonable.he told me nt to initaiate converstaion wrn him dnt do this dont do that.but one day i find him so excited when he saw one of his friend at work who happn to b a grl..and calling him baby in frnt of me..and this is ok to him as of its normal.i got realy upset and i dnt want to talk to him.he tried to talk to me fr few hrs bt i refused and until now we dnt talk.he ddnt evn try again to talk to me.and as if im breakinng up wth him and leaving him fr nothing.lke its all my fault.what shoul i do.?i love him so mch but it hurt too..pls i need some advice.thanks

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Myleena

Wow I never knew so many people went threw this. The worse feeling that anyone could do to you is not physically abuse but psychology abuse and manipulate you. I know I’m not alone. Just wish the best for you all. Never too late to get out just hang in there. I know it’s easier to say than done. Best wishes to you all.

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sad girl

What is wrong with these Men? Is there hope of them ever getting help. I need to leave and I’m so scared and feel like I have no power or control!

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    Kim L

    Sad girl,
    Get into counseling; talk to someone; get some support. Once you are balanced in yourself you can make good decisions that keep yourself safe and healthy.
    -Kim

    Reply
Myleena

My bf of four months accused me of cheating on him. He was to broke up with me and said that I have been cheating on him since day one. He said I brought guys over to his place when he was out with was in Vegas or night that he was out partying or when I know he won’t be home. I don’t have key to his place and he lives in a gated community. I tried to understand why he would accused of me like that and tried to show him proof that I didnt. I still lives with my parents and they’re very cultural. I never get to spend night at anyone house even my cousins or best friends. I told him there’s no reason for me to cheat I got cheated on before from my ex so I don’t believe in cheating I told him this when we started our relationship. The worse things is he said he love me and want to understand why I woukd do something like that to him. I told him I can’t deal with this I have proof myself and explained myself to him why would I want to cheat on him. In couples of day he would text me and said ” what did I do to deserve this, I just want to leave a peaceful life” “why why would you do this to yourself, I remember that dude looking at you like you were I stripper” ” omg I need to go check on myself I don’t know how many men you have been with”. The most disgusting thing he could think of me. I never cheat on anyone. I don’t even have backup options like some people would have. I’m a good girl and I know that I don’t need to explain myself for someone who disrespect of me like him. Still it get to me because I care about this him. I think he need help. What should I do? Should I stay away or should I get help for him. He told his friends and family that I cheated on him with some dude in his own bed and place. I don’t know his friends to where I would talk to them that much. I meet his family but I don’t want to just show up at their house and tell them that I’m not like that their son need help. I Think they would trust their son vs me.

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    Therapist

    I’d tell him put up or shut up. Provide evidence of me doing anything, and if you can’t do that then telling your friends and family is slander. If you want me to walk out of your life and never look back, then keep it up. If you don’t then get help and stop lying about me.

    Reply
Aurora

Well , My husband saw a conversation through email messenger with and ex I had when he left me twice, as he was cheating on me in the past. This ex is now working in the same company I do and he found me on the communicator, we do not work on the same facilities, but form time to time to talk through work messenger.Now he is saying I did disrespect him and that I probably cheating on him. We were fighting lately so he said I was probably looking for a penis because we were mad. I only have a messenger friendship with this person but he do not believe that. So he threating on leaving the whose if I do not ended the communication with this guy. I said if that gives you security I do not have a problem on do it that. Right now he do not speak to me, he just ignore me. I do not say a word as I do not think anything I could said can change his mind. The point is should I just wait until he wants to approach to me and talk or should I try to talk to him and explain there is nothing between my friend and I.

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    Kim L

    Aurora,
    Get into counseling with him and have the help of a professional third party. You may want to recognize to your husband the hurt you caused him by connecting (in ANY way) with an ex. And he sounds like he could use some help on learning how to communicate, not shut down.
    For everyone out there– any contact with an ex is a huge potential problem. No FB, Skype, email, texts, workout apps, work email, handwritten letters, google+, pinning… No contact. It’s not just friends with an ex, the probability of it becoming more is too big. Especially if you have any marital problems (and face it, every marriage goes through problems.)
    Best of all for you and your husband, Aurora,
    -Kim

    Reply
christine

I need some advice about my relationship, ive been dating with my boyfriend for 6months and the first time we have been dating i was happy and i fell inlove with him so much and he told me that if i could live with him with his mom house with his 2 sisters and step dad so i told him that why we wait if we could get our own apartment but he don’t have a job still, he wants me to be a wife figure and move temporarily at his family apartment so i moved and lived with him but at first place everthing is okay with his family and respect them all the time and cook for them, clean their apartments without helping me and wash the dishes and fold my boyfriend clothes and eveything i do to make them happy so they started to give me hard time because i found out when we went to their relatives house and I heard they talkin to me so bad that i only good for sex and i didn’t do anything to their house so i react why they talkin like that to me that i was the one who do everything aall the chores. i just don’t understand why they giving me a hard time and then we went to the store with his mmom his mom accused me for staring to the guy at the store and i was flirtacious and i even not staring or flirt and they kick me out at their house then i was crying cause they are so verbal abuse me, and him and his the older are very sweet and giving hug and kisses it seems like they have relatonship and every middle at 3am i wake up that his naked i maybe thought he went to his sister room well im not sure hif he is cause his naked and i dont have any proof if they do something cause they are brother and soster it will be weird if i accused them cause i never heard that sister and brother have sex or something will im not really sure so they kick out and after 2 weeks without living with his house i was happy and he wants to get back with me because he loves me so much so i believe cause i still love him and he say sorry and forgive him and he wants me to go back to his house so i went back to cause i cant let go of him because i really love him at the 2nd time i went back we always fight again because he always bring his phone to the bathroom all the time and he take so long in the bathroom for like an 1 hr to use it becuase his excuse is his pooping is hard to come & i understand wheb i borrowed his phone because i don’t have a phone and got to use his phone for to talk to my mom and text my mom but there is always overreact that why i have to talk to my mom and he told me i was very nosy and try to find out hat he do something. will he always overeact and we always fight and tells me im ugly i have monkey feet and everything will alot of people likes me and tell me im very pretty and sexy. its hard there is alot things been happening . he always say sorry and forgive him what should i supposed to do move on or not let go of him. i love him so much but the problem is he always accused me that i was cheating but i got a feeling too that his having sex with his 22 year old sister, he has a 2 sister the other was 13, and him he was soo really close to the 22 yrs old giving kisses and call her love or saying i love you to her 22 yeard old sister i dont know if should i tell him what i feel just fight to what i feel becuase i feel hurt whenver they really so close each other more than me. and he always defend his sister whenever i tried to talk and let it out what i feel but i cant do it because they have a smart mouth the whole details is their they wont let me talk, all the wordsbis their if i was trying to talk to him

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christine

I need some advice about my relationship, ive been dating with my boyfriend for 6months and the first time we have been dating i was happy and i fell inlove with him so much and he told me that if i could live with him with his mom house with his 2 sisters and step dad so i told him that why we wait if we could get our own apartment but he don’t have a job still, he wants me to be a wife figure and move temporarily at his family apartment so i moved and lived with him but at first place everthing is okay with his family and respect them all the time and cook for them, clean their apartments without helping me and wash the dishes and fold my boyfriend clothes and eveything i do to make them happy so they started to give me hard time because i found out when we went to their relatives house and I heard they talkin to me so bad that i only good for sex and i didn’t do anything to their house so i react why they talkin like that to me that i was the one who do everything aall the chores. i just don’t understand why they giving me a hard time and then we went to the store with his mmom his mom accused me for staring to the guy at the store and i was flirtacious and i even not staring or flirt and they kick me out at their house then i was crying cause they are so verbal abuse me, and him and his the older are very sweet and giving hug and kisses it seems like they have relatonship and every middle at 3am i wake up that his naked i maybe thought he went to his sister room well im not sure hif he is cause his naked and i dont have any proof if they do something cause they are brother and soster it will be weird if i accused them cause i never heard that sister and brother have sex or something will im not really sure so they kick out and after 2 weeks without living with his house i was happy and he wants to get back with me because he loves me so much so i believe cause i still love him and he say sorry and forgive him and he wants me to go back to his house so i went back to cause i cant let go of him because i really love him at the 2nd time i went back we always fight again because he always bring his phone to the bathroom all the time and he take so long in the bathroom for like an 1 hr to use it becuase his excuse is his pooping is hard to come & i understand wheb i borrowed his phone because i don’t have a phone and got to use his phone for to talk to my mom and text my mom but there is always overreact that why i have to talk to my mom and he told me i was very nosy and try to find out hat he do something. will he always overeact and we always fight and tells me im ugly i have monkey feet and everything will alot of people likes me and tell me im very pretty and sexy. its hard there is alot things been happening

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Trish Watts

My husband accuses me everyday of having an affair. I am tired of it. I would love to get a divorce, but I can’t now financially and because of things going on with our children.

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Picadilly

My husband and I were married for 28 years- I used to work long hours, and he would stop by my work late at night while I was finishing up and just say he wanted to pick me up so we could drive home together. I loved that, sometimes thought it was a bit strange, but loved it. It was an extra 1/2 hour that we had just to talk in the car. We moved to another state, bought our first home, I was working pretty normal hours with he occasional weekend or late night, but soooo much less than before. My husband would do some traveling for his job, a few days or sometimes just overnight and no matter what was going on at work I was always home with our son. My husband even when we were dating used to accuse me of checking out other men-(I wasn’t) and I should have known then..
As the years went on I thought we had this amazing relationship that could never be broken. Then it started, he always questioned me about things but never to the extent that it became.
I had started to notice his car across the street from my work on occasion, he was calling me all the time just to say Hi, or I love you. I had a huge event at the club I worked at and on that day he called me 19 times, I had to run and pick something up from Fedex and when I walked out he was in the parking lot, he used his find my iphone to locate me. Said he drove past the club and didn’t see my car- never called though in those 19 calls to see where I was. That night after working 16 or so hours he confronted me with a tape that he had made of me and that was when the accusations truly started. He let me listen and I explained everything that he heard, I thought that was it..I was wrong. He kept calling all the time, stopping by my work, leaving the voice memo on my phone on, leaving the voice memo on his phone on in and would leave it in my office. I wouldn’t always know when or what he was doing but I do know that when he would ask me questions I couldn’t understand where the questions were coming from. I know he was recording me alot just from the inquisitions I would get everyday when we drove home. On the way to work I wold be asked “what do you have today? What times are your your meetings? Who will be there? Simple things, nothing over the top- more more and more questions- then on the way home I had to explain who I saw, what I did- what I was doing at 10:15, it started to bother me but didn’t really care because I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
It was a few months of this and then everything came crashing down. I went to work like normal, he called me and said he wanted to go home, so I left work early, on the drive home he starting yelling at me saying he knew what I had done- I ddn’t know what I had done..he proceeded to tell me that he had my iphone on and he heard me with someone else. I had been talking to myself quite a bit due to all of the stress that was going on with my husband, my boss and just in general. That is what he heard but he as convinced, he would not back down- he made me quit my job, and then the words and actions that came form this man I loved- I didn’t know what happened to my life. I found myself just sitting and staring out at nothing, I was so confused, he would not believe me, he said he knew it in his gut. He said he had turned on my voice memo so that would have been hours of a recording, but he only focused on 45 seconds. His story kept changing about this 45 seconds. And what exactly was going on and being said. he sent this recording to audio analyst at he very discounted rates, they told him that he things that he said he heard were just not there, they did say they heard some kind of a man but in different places in this short clip and no words spoken-I volunteered to take a polygraph, the man said I was deceptive, I didn’t know anything about polygraphs so imagine my surprise when I told the truth and this was the result, I didn’t tell the man who administered the test about any of the events hat were going on in my home, the hateful words that were coming out of my husbands mouth, the pushing and shoving, I had no less than 6 bruises on my body when the est was administered from struggling with my husband, I am now convinced that due to the emotional and verbal abuse that I was experiencing, that is why the polygraph came back deceptive- I was being deceptive by not telling this man what was going on. But I did not lie about the infidelity. I never cheated on my husband. There was so much more, one day he loved me, one day we were getting a divorce, I would pack up and was told don’t go like this, very confusing. Sorry I have gone on so long, but what I know now that I didn’t know then was that I was in a dangerous situation and I wanted to share because even though I was not thrown around by my husband, what was going on was abuse- I just didn’t see and didn’t want to see it. Not this man, he loves me, this is just something he is going through, we’ll get through this….Well I now believe that I am blessed that nothing worse happened. If you are not sure seek help, but do it safely.I was calling counselors for us and they told me to leave, I didn’t listen. I knew there was spyware on our computer, I knew he had done something to my phone and ipad because I had strange icons that would pop up, clicking in the background while I was talking, it would turn on and off by itself, low battery etc…I am not tech savvy so of course as these things were happening I would ask my husband why, and it was always that I just had a bad phone. So if you identify with any of these things, get help and get out of that relationship. I have learned alot, about things that I never ever thought that I would be reading about for myself.
Sad Girl is right-You are not alone!

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josh

Hi, well my gf accuses me nonstop,she is more possesive btwn us n i do everything as she says .Its been 4 yrs now n 2 years bck i kinda cheated on her but ive told her every thing bout it but now everytime i talk with another girl she strts accusing .. pls help me how do i earn bck her trust ??

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Honey86

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7.5 years. I have an 8 yr old from a previous relationship and we have an 8 mo old together. Although I have a degree we both decided it would be better for me to be home with the boys full time which now has me in a bind. A couple months back he accused me of cheating because his best friend from high school told him that my oldest son’s father was at my parents’ house (to pick up my son for the weekend) while I was also there (dropping him off). This same find of his is the brother of a girl he cheated on me with (for months before I found out) a couple years ago. I don’t know how to get him to understand I have never cheated on him. Even after finding out he cheated on me I have remained faithful. I even agreed to a DNA test for the baby but now he says that just because the baby is his doesn’t mean I didn’t cheat. I’m at my wits end because he’s demanding I prove to him I didn’t cheat but how can I when there’s nothing to prove not cheating. I want to get the accuser in front of us so this can be settled but he doesn’t agree. I feel it’s my accuser who should be providing evidence but of course he doesn’t think his best friend (whose sister he used and tossed aside) is capable of lying to him. I want to leave but I have no means of transportation and no job. I don’t know what to do! I love him so much but I can’t take it any longer.

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Sad girl

My husband has been accusing me of cheating for years as well, but since his Mom died he has been more abusive with his words. I am pregnant and have agreed to take a lie detector test and he said they wouldn’t do it until after the baby is born. He keeps making up lies about our past saying I did things that I never did and that I will burn in hell for my sins.

I gave him an ultimatum last summer and he said he would stop and get help; he has been to counseling like 3 times in a year. He is more constant now and he is negative and miserable 90% of the time. I am in no position to leave him right now but I can’t raise a son under the same roof.

My husband’s father and mother neglected him when he was a child and his father was extremely abusive, his load is his stuff and I can’t carry it anymore.

He is now saying that he hasn’t gotten far in life due to me being negative and not being there for him. I have supported him through everything for 20 years and I have given up a lot. I feel like he has stolen my youth and I can never ever get it back.

I feel like a weak shell of a person who has lost who she was a long time ago.

Please people know that you are not alone!

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Jessie

Hi, well, my partner keeps going through my messages and questioning what I’m doing every night whilst he is at work. We have been together 8 years and have six children together, if I don’t hVe sex when he WANs to he automatically assumes that I’m cheating on him, I’d love to know when I have the time!
Also two years ago I discovered he had a non emotional fling (with a friend of ours) it happened twice over the space of four months, before I found out he was cheating he put me brought hell accusing me off allsorts , now he is doing the exact same with his accusations and indirect insults and manipulation, he is blaming if on his tiredness from the night shifts he does, which was the same excuse last time, I don’t know what to think or do 🙁

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Dannii

Hi, ;0) I am currently in a what should be wonderful relationship. But being that I’ve had a few deuce douch ( double the douch )!! Guys in my past. Whom we’re understated by much , when I say loser cheating nobody’s . This man is really good to me. But….. He has cheated with two girls. He calls it not cheating cause we were broke up a couple hrs and the other was just two or three days. This is where I’m having troubles. 1. If he truly loved me as I do him he wouldn’t have either time. I didn’t. Not a single thought. Now he’s swears that he’s in love faithful and is truly trying to help me with the rebuilding trust. But past issues ans thoughts perceptions or what ever…. Flags go up or as I call then ( behaviors / or patterns) I’m having so much issues with it. Lies, deception ! Please help me …. I’m madly deeply Inlove with this man and I need to get some help before. I lose the best thing who’s ever came into my life or push him away. If that’s not already the case.. Truly hung up on my hang up d.d

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Samantha

First of all, I am not cheating, I an not even talking with another individual at all. I work, take care if four kids and my husband as well as go to school one night a week. I don’t have time to do anything extra in my life and I don’t know what to do. My husband goes through my texts. He creates suspicions in his head and then believes them. He hates liars, but is creating lies and really getting upset with me for the things he is making up. I am fed up and am sick of being ‘the push over.’ I always don’t want to be in a fight so I let him get mad, then am there with open arms when he is over it and apologetically. I need something to change and am unable to communicate with him. I can’t explain how I’m feeling without him getting upset. What can I do to nake him realise that I love him and wouldnt have married him if I wanted to be with other men? He used to go above and beyond to make me happy and want to be with him, now I feel like he is just pushing me away. He had 2 kids from a previous relationship (who cheated on him) I had one from my previous relationship (which was horrible) and we made one perfect son together. I don’t want to break my kids apart because of his insecurities, but I also do t deserve to be treated this way.

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to late for me

My boyfriend who I love with all my heart is extremely abusive
abusive. Emotionally mentally and yes physically. It all started when he became an addict. Pills bococaine. He first start by breaking my house. Then it got worse. He would kick me punch me. Head butt me. Throw me. He then stopped the physical abuse because I refused to hide it from his and my family. Yes they have all seen the bruises and cuts. So he stopped mostly because that was embrassing to him so he thought
thought. That’s when the emotional and mental abuse started. Calling me a fuckin hoe. A can’t a witch a trap. Accusing me of cheating. Telling people I was stupid and a lier. Telling me that.
Like I said extremely abusive. It is to late for me. There is nothing left of my spirit or soul. I’m broken. But if there is any women that can relate to my situation. Then ivsay to them. Fuckin run. Leave everything and run. Before u become powerless like me.

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Candee

I have been with my other half for 24 years and have now grown children together and a grandchild. He has been accusing me of men at work which is not true, it all started when we moved outskirts of town. I work two jobs and he is disabled. I give him what he needs and please him in many ways when I am off work BUT come Monday I am doing wrong, messing around, etc… I am too old and exhausted for this game I call it. I think there is a pattern, he dad did this to his mom when he was 11, 12 years old. His dad is a schrizophrenic, think it runs in the family??? He is so needy and insecure that it makes me sick… Advice please…

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brian

My girlfriend and I have been dating 3 years. We’ve had rough patches and broke up but always come back together. Last year we were broke up. It came out when we were brpke up she had a 2 year affair with a married man thst she drove 50 miles to neet in a hotel. She accused me from very early on of cheating yet I never have nor have I ever on anyone I’ve been with. She stated she had 2 affairs when she was married because her ex cheated on her a lot. I’d been cheated on many time in my marriage it it devastated me. I sworn I’d never do that to anyone because I knew how it felt. My gf checked my cell records daily. She goes thru all my stuff, treats me like I’ve cheated on her. We work opposite shifts but we see each other every night, at my much break, her lunch break and in the morning before she goes to work. She tries to bully me into false confessions by telling me she “knows” or she has proof. That if I just confess she we can heal and move on. Yet honestly I’ve never cheated nor do I talk to any girls at all. She lied to me and said a a girl called her st work and told her she and I were a thing. I’ve reassured her over and over I have never cheated and that I don’t talk to any females, I’ve let her go thru my cell, my computer my emails yet she just keeps on accusing. I’ve asked to see the “proof” and she has yet to show me her comment is” look in your cell or your computer its there”. There’s no proof I have nothing to hide because I haven’t nor would I cheat or talk to any females. I just don’t understand…. She has come out once in awhile and said she knows I’ve never cheated nor would I yet she accuses again weeks later.

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Kara

My husband has accused me of cheating for years, together for 15 and married for 6. We have 3 kids together and he has worked away from home a lot and was convinced the entire time he was gone I would be hooking up with people from work or during work or bringing them home to our place. Keep in mind the entire time I am working 40-50 hrs per week and raising 3 small children that I need to drive to daycare and pickup daily, while helping with homework/cooking/cleaning/putting to bed all alone. I’m not sure where he figured I had the time to cheat with a schedule like that. I never knew when he would be home so many times he would just arrive with no notice at home, to find me and the kids home alone of course.

I even took a lie detector test last year and he is convinced that I either cheated my way through that as well or the results were faked because the person administering the test didn’t like him. He is completely paranoid because he has a history of being let down through being in foster care and being cheated on by former girlfriends. It’s getting old and I don’t know how much longer I can put up with it.

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amanda

I been with my husband for 13 years just got married last month. He always accused me of cheating. I cannot look at t man, talk to man because in his eyes it is cheating. We have 4 children together. I love him but he is so obsessed that i cheating. this last argument was so dumb.. I transfer to another city in January for job. The team lead transfer 8 months after me and he text me a message about helping him het something. My team lead has never text and just recevied my number when he got to the new city. I did not erase it or hid it from him because i did not feel the need too. He took that to a extreme to like i know something going on at work and he transfer down to see me. I never cheated on him at all in this relationship. He talking about divorce.We been married for a month now. I love him and i am hurt because he really think i would do something like that. I told my team lead and he wanted to talk to him. I do not know what to do. He is very insecure and has anger and pride issues as well.

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Annie

My Partner accused me of cheating on the night of our engagement, he went of at me and now he reckons he acted like any man would, he told me to get out so I left and now he says because I have done this to him I tried to fight to defend myself but he said it made me look like a liar. I was with my sister and he knew were I was all along. I just wondering how most people react I this situation did I do something wrong but getting defensive and trying to tell him.

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Annette

Sorry, is there a light at the end of this tunnel or this a toxic relationship? i do not know how much more i can prove to this man that i am not having an affair. Day in day out I tell him I love him.

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Annette

We have been married 8 1/2 yrs. 7 years ago i had an emotional affair with a male co-worker, not sexual in any way shape or form. My husband forgave me i since has not forgotten. I have tried to so hard to do right by him. i am a Supervisor for a State Agency and each and every time i have stay late, i am being accused of sleeping with someone there in the office, i am texted so many times being called so many names. I am so tired, after being call these types of names for the last 7 years it is apparent he did not forget. Everytime we argue his “thing” is to say “if you cant listen to what i tell you do here, your probably not listening and still f****** another man, once a w**** always a w*****> i really am tired of trying to prove that i am not cheating but i always end up being called a b****. I lost all my friends because he is controlling to where i cannot go to a friends house to visit because I’m cheating. He has a fantastic good pay but he works out of town more than 1/2 the years. I am so tired.

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Yvette

I get accused cheating with no proof n he is so insecure-jealous man and I don’t cheat cause I know it hurts. And I told him u cheat on me u are history gone bye bye. All he does is looks at other women it gets me mad.

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Jackie

I’ve been dating this guy for 9 months and he accuses me of cheating all the time. His last girlfriend cheated on him and it seems like I’m paying for her mistakes. He gets very jealous and paranoid every time I mention one of my guy coworkers, especially if I tell him that I’ve talked to them about random things. Then the interrogation starts. Question after question comes pouring out of his mouth and I hold back because I’m afraid of what he might think even when it’s totally innocent. It’s my fault that he asks me so much so I feel guilty for not telling him the whole story right away. Recently, a new coworker joined our crew that happened to be a guy and I tried to be friendly toward him and welcome him to our workplace but then he started talking to me a lot that day, asked me tons of questions, and even got in my bubble. I, like a lot of these girls here, don’t like confrontation so i tried to scoot away from him instead of piping up and saying something. I stayed busy with my work and went to the back room to wash my animal supplies when he said, “wait up!”. Of course I didn’t wait for him, I went about my business and shut the door to the room. Earlier I made a comment about the ferret at work that I was planning on taking home because I had nursed it back to health for 2 months and he told me he was going to buy it first and I said You’ll have to brawl me for it because I’m not going to give him up, which is why he probably followed me. Nothing happened in that room but it sounded really shady to my boyfriend. (Which is understandable because it does sound shady when you think about it) I was in the wrong place at the wrong time being the person that I am that doesn’t like confrontation. I should’ve told him too back off but should I be interrogated constantly and be made to feel like a cheater??? It really bugs the fire out of me because I’ve told him every detail about our encounter but he continues to mock me and accuse me of cheating on him. What should I do? I feel embarrassed because I feel like I’ve done wrong but at the same time I’ve met my threshold of guilt because I never cheated on him. HELP!!!!

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sockit

I have been married for almost 14 years. I have a career and here lately I have had to work many hours and it is very stressful. My husband drinks on the porch every Friday. Lately it has become worse and now he is accusing me of not being at work when all he has to do is pick up the phone and call me on the work phone to see. His ex messed around on him. I probably am making myself less available but I love my job and it is the main part of our income. I am in no way messing around. Now when he drinks he says nasty things to me and calls me names along with the accusations. I am not in a financial spot to leave with joint debt. What is the best way to mend this relationship?

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Jeff

I have been married for 11 years and It is about over. I keep thinking my wife is cheating on me. She says sthat she is not but her actions speak otherwise. She delivers papers and sometimes she will do her hair and put on makeup to just go deliver papers. She also flirts with almost every guys she talks to. She will even do it in front me. She thinks it is okay ebcause she ahs always been like this. 8 of the 11 years she has not wanted anything to do with me but she will flirt with other guys. This has been going on for 8 years. I love my wife and family but I cant talke it anymore. She says that she will leave if I keep accusing her of cheating. I know I got problems of my own to fix but she wount realize that she has issues as well. WHAT SHOULD I DO.

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Millz

I’m not sure what to make of my relationship!!! when we first started see each other we lived 4 hours away. we talked on the phone all the time as well as social network sites. I told her I was at the stage of settling down and was looking to find the right person. Though I wasn’t intimate with no one; the first time she came to visit, she saw texts between another girl and myself which I was inviting at my house to hang-out with some friends as well… She got really mad calling me all the names you can possibly imagine though we was only see each other at that point… However I tricked her one day by asking her to names people that she think likes her. She mentioned two other names and myself… She said those people was interested in her but she don’t like them and won’t just have sex with people she don’t have feelings for. A year and the half into our almost four years relationship I found out that she was having sex with those people plus more. The worse of all the morning she texted me to make our relationship official, she had slept over at one of the man she mentioned house but claimed they did stuff but didn’t have sex. Don’t even know why I asked??? Then I realised it was round the same time she saw the text from me inviting a friend to my house to hang-out with other friends. I thought it was very hypocritical of her to insult and called me names for texting someone while she was doing worse!! She can be very manipulative as she tried to use minor mistakes from my part against me to even things out… Always talking about how I hurt her feelings and it will be even harder for her to trust me as she was cheated on in her last relationship which I’m aware of… I don’t understand how I hurts her feelings. If anyone should have a trust issues I think its should be me. Around the same time I learned she lied about seeing other people, her ex-boyfriend exposed her for sleeping with her sister boyfriend while they were having problems and their affair lasted for six months. He thought she cheated on him but they figure out it was right after they break-up. Nevertheless the secret came out one and the half years into our relationship. I stood by her, help her build a better relationship with her sister even though she wanted to never talk to her sister again because she couldn’t stand the humiliation. I also help her fix her relationship with her Dad who didn’t speak to her for years. Our relationship been off-and-on in the past years due to her been paranoid, insecure and also accusing me of not showing her emotion, passion and affections. I Do Love Her. I imagine us working hard building something great for our children. one thing I like about her is that she’s very hard working but I find her possessive and controlling at time. Am I stupid for thinking we can still have a bright future???? We have broken up too many time. Once, after we broke-up, she hacked into my facebook and email to find out what I was up to. She found out that I’ve registered on this dating site and was talking to people. She told all my friends and some of her family members I was cheating on her that’s while we broke-up but never told her family about all the things she did from the start. We broke-up again last summer and a customer give me their number a day after while at work. We talk for a bit and went on a date… However, my girlfriend and I got back together but only to find out she was sleeping with the same person she lied about at the beginning of our relationship. Whom she said she didn’t like but later told me she sleep with. I think she like this dude but he don’t feel the same about her but don’t mind sleeping with her. She once said how he was tall, with lean body, big muscles and good looking like a celebrity… But yet maintain she doesn’t like him???? last week she was very emotional as she had a bad day at work and begin to reflex on our relationship which lead her to think I have hurts her too many time. I tried to comfort her but at the same time told her the only reason I walked-out on her was because she wasn’t understanding and very controlling and possessive which she didn’t like. We haven’t spoken a single word to each other for two days…… WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK??????

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Ozanne

Bravo for having maintained this thread, helping everyone out!

I am a 40-year old woman, never married with no children. I met a man a year ago who is 47, also unmarried with no children. He lives/lived in seclusion and we had a long distance relationship until he agreed I should move to the closest town he is near. I believed this is the man I’ll marry, so I did. He was thrilled I made such a life change and looked forward to us starting our lives together.

Recently since being with him physically all the time, I noticed an unsettling change in him about a month ago. He began snapping at me for silly things, shutting down from me, and when I questioned a sudden spike of friends added to his Facebook, he went nuts, telling me I’m checking up on him. It made no sense as he is most of the time very loving.

He works from home, and while I’m out at my job, he viciously accuses me of cheating. I’m not. However, the sudden weird change in him made me do what I never thought I’d do–I began to snoop. I found him on sex sites, adult-friend sites, and even saw messages he responded to on Craigslist looking for a local playmate. All of this fit the timeline of his strange change in behaviour. His reason? He was home alone and bored–when he should be WORKING, just like me!

I confronted him, and I had never felt so badly for a man in my life. He cried, apologized, admitted how bad of a decision he made. We worked on this for four days straight, me taking time off work so we could get to the bottom of it. You can bet I was heartbroken. :..( The reality is he has been cheated on by every woman he’s been with, so he felt that I don’t think he’s good enough (even though I constantly praise and love him!) — it’s just some things a woman does will never be enough. I always considered myself a catch, I’m nice to him, his family, I am supportive of everything he does, I’m a good cook, been told I’m good in bed, and I’m still fiercely attracted to him — I figured these would be great reasons for him to hold on to me for dear life. Instead he was throwing me away and I don’t know why.

Since we spoke about it, he deleted the profiles he had on sites I saw, deleted the extra FB friends (all female) that he knew would cause trouble, and promised never to do this again. I am doing my best to sort through it and giving him another chance as I don’t know how I’d feel if we didn’t try.

The problem now is, for work he does, he has to be back in seclusion living with two elderly relatives in the middle of nowhere (yet wifi is out there) and won’t be back to ‘our’ home for two months. We chat and FaceTime when we can. Almost instantly he has resorted to his old self of doubting me, being in bad moods, questioning what I’m doing, and ultimately, on my case about whether or not I’m cheating. This was all the same behaviour he had before when he was cheating on me online, but I have to make the decision to give him a break. Before he left he told me he would never do it again, and it wasn’t worth risking our relationship over. But it chews me up that he’s being such a brood to me, making me feel awful, when it’s HIM that did the cheating, and I never have! I told him we will work on this, but each time he says he’ll try and change, it lasts about three days then he’s back to being unreasonable.

It’s been one year together and I’m madly in love with him and want this to work, but he is exhausting my ability to keep at it. I feel sick that I uprooted my life to be in this town, away from friends, away from family, and basically devoting my life to make him happy. I feel he threw it away and is doing a bang-up job at trying to make me leave. Each time I ask, he convincingly tells me he doesn’t, and that he wants to marry me.

I know I’m a good woman, and aside from his jealousy and the mistake he made, he is a good man. Why would a man do this, and what can we do to get through this?

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    l

    This sounds like my last relationship. We broke up and he wanted to be friends, but it seemed insincere and unbalanced. He his from me that he had started a new relationship… and with snopping I found out he was a swinger.

    I’m your age and feel he totally wasted my time. He simply didn’t share my values but was keeping me around out of… a need to be desired? Insecurity? I don’t know. There was no real communication and I feel there was an element of sexism addiction (I’m getting that feeling about your situation too). I’ve already agreed a lot if time on broken men. I think I deserve a good relationship not a lifetime of playing psychiatrist/social worker Don’t you feel you deserve the same?

    Reply
Kris

I am a 32 year old male and I’ve been seeing this female who I will call “Amy” we started dating in May. For a few weeks everything has been going well. But out of no where she has constantly accused me of cheating with other women. I have not done anything she has accused me off. She would used to make time to come see me and now its to the point where I have to beg to see her. Yesterday she promised she would come and see me and spend time with me. And she’d text me after she as able to go tanning. Well I waited all day never heard from her. Finally I texted her and asked her about not seeing me that didn’t go over well at all. I finally lost my cool and told her how bogus it was she blew me off all day when she promised she’d see me. Her response to my frustration was “stop it before I shut my phone off” she has been a total complete bitch to me since then and shows no remorse for her actions at all. and Says I am the one who is crazy and then comes back with the how I’m cheating on her with other females bullshit. I don’t know what else to do. Im deeply hurt and upset by all of this.

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    Millz

    How long you been dating this person??? Don’t forget you two are only dating and some people see dating as open relationship or just getting to know the other person. Maybe she find someone else and just looking for ways to end things with you. hope you sorted with her by now. If not request to take her out on a date then use that as an opportunity to speak with her properly. If that don’t work, move on pal.

    Reply
zetarry

My husband is accusing me of cheating unrightfully and I am really getting to the point where I can’t take it anymore! He and I were walking on the street one day and there was this man bending over to fix his car or something- I didn’t pay much attention- and he then starts asking me why I was staring at him, because his back was bare. He said he saw me stare at him 3 times and honestly I found it disgusting. I sometimes focus on stuff when I’m tired and someone’s speaking to me, I am innocent and never felt attracted of thought about any other man since I’ve been with him or even before that. He doesn’t allow me to see a male gynecologist, because he thinks it’s cheating. I said fine, I will only see women obgyn, but not because it means cheating, but because I know it would hurt him. And now he still accuses me of cheating in the future so basically he asked me to leave the house because he thinks in the future I will cheat on him. He called me names, calls me a b***h and trash and that I am like women he saw on Maury and that I can’t be trusted! The funny part is that he broke up with his ex to be with me and he accused her of cheating so he could break things with her easily, even though he said he was 80% sure she was cheating. Now I don’t believe she was cheating but I think he’s using the same tactics as he used on her to break things off. And I told him about it and said he loves me, but he thinks that I would cheat in the future, which makes my blood boil. All I ever think about is him, I went through many obstacles to be with him and sacrificed time with my son for him and this is how he repays me! I don’t know if he’s ever going to change… 🙁

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Chris Payeur

I need some help here. I cheated on my girlfriend in the past and now that I’m not she still thinks I am. She already has a spy tracker on my phone , she checks all my emails, and social sites, she has all my passwords to everything and I let her look at my phone whenever she wants. What are some other ways I can prove I’m not? I really don’t want to lose her and that’s where it’s headed.

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Angel

Hi, you can call me Angel. I’ve been free of an abusive relationship on and off of three years. I have a few questions about my ex. When we were dating he would tell me how beautiful I was(even though I’m over weight) and said how I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But then another minute he’d say that I wasn’t the right woman for him. I constantly got accused of being flirtatious with guys. I’m nothing like that! I always proved my loyalty to him. Never kissed anyone but my ex and only had sex with my ex, and yet he would accuse me of cheating on him constantly over the past three years. So my questions are: 1. Is it a 95% chance that he was cheating on me and having sex with another or women while dating me? And 2. Is it possible that because he knows how beautiful I am(even though I have a really hard time seeing myself as beautiful) that he accused me of flirting to keep me isolated from guys because he was afraid of losing me to another guy or something? Where I’m at now is I have absolutely no desire to let this smug bastard ever use me for sex again. But u just need answers of what was possibly going through his mind when he was doing all of this to me explained above and 1,000 times worse. I mean am I a fool for loving him and actually thinking that he loved me at all?! The way I’m feeling right now, I don’t ever want to be in a relationship again! Some men are bastards! And it’s rare to find one that isn’t going to use you for sex, control, and pleasure! What else do I need to do to heal from being abused?! I’m so ashamed I allowed myself to go trough this for as long as I did!

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Robert Stephens

I have been with my wife now for 3 yrs july 16. On june 16 this year she told me she wanted a divorce. I was devastated I love her with all my heart and want nothing more then to grow old with her. She says I cheated right after we married but I didnt and would never dream of it. I have only eyes for her. Even being seperated now I only dream of her. She started out telling me it was all because she found a picture of an ex. Now she is saying I cheated I did not and even told her I would take a polygraph test to prove it. Everytime I try to talk to her she tells me she is not receptive. Please help me I want my marriage back.

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Liz

I need help, I have been with my fiance for 6 years now. He accuses me of cheating all the time, if I am work with co-workers, if I am home the neighbors, if I go to the grocery store it the security guard. It’s everyone! I am so tired of this situation I am getting ready to get out. I have 3 children of my own, he has a son as well and now we have our 2yr old together. We both had previous marriages I divorced and was single for 6 years before I gave love another chance. He was with his ex on and off for 15 years, they divorced because she cheated but so did he. I am nothing like his ex, he has full access to everything. When I met him hi ex wouldn’t allow him to see his son so I helped him and filed all the docs at court. I got him joint legal custody, visitation, Holiday time and vacation time with his son. I don’t have a FB no social media at all. I call him all day from work, he has been to a company event, he picks me up from work, I call him at lunch, I go to the store I call him. When the accusations first started I figured hey maybe if I call him and let him hear and see that there is nothing to worry about he will stop and trust me. I honestly don’t know what else to do anymore, I have talked, yelled and cried and nothing seems to work. All he says “if you don’t like the way I am then don’t be with me”. I keep saying he will change but I honestly don’t see it happening, the last thing I ever wanted was another failed relationship.

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Jassettejohnson johnson

I love this guy with no doubts and I showed it to him and all. But he jus accusing me that I am cheating and I’m liar when I am not. It’s nt the first and I prove myself to him and all but don’t knw wats the matter if its because he is stress s stress. When he as no money and can’t give me as he likes he gets all moody saying I should go find a better man who can give me money and stuffs but I’m not all for material things and money I’m all because I love and want the with him. I showed that to him but at this time it is ok then a next it is like this.wat should I do or where I’m going wrong

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Jassettejohnson johnson

is it that I’m too laid back and all?.

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Jassettejohnson johnson

Hey what if ur in a relationship and all u donors get accuse of noting ur doing as he said, he accuses u of aging a next man look on ur FB profile of ur pass and not turning up on time even thou u explain why I late. I understand he is stress but my god I am doing my all for the relationship and still Get accusations. U think I should deactivate my account on FB and tell him?

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Lj

Hello, I am in need of some advice and some help. I am frustrated, sad, depressed, and in emotional and physical pain right now. I have been with my fiance for 8 years now, we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and live 500 miles away from my family. His family lives in the same city. Our relationship has always been rocky and from the beginning I knew I should of walked away, but I couldn’t, I loved him so much and didn’t want to leave him because I felt like he needed me. At first when I met him, he was practically homeless, he worked but all the money he got went to his rent and not even food. When I met him, I instantly fell for him, I helped him out of the abyss he was in and even would admit it sometimes. We moved in to an apartment (on my dime, he wasn’t working anymore) after leaving the place I was living at, we both became homeless and I worked hard to get us out of the situation and helped him get a job. We moved to an apartment together and the fights started, he pushed me several times and would literally look psychotic. Then the fights continued and we moved in with a close friend of his brother’s. The fights continued and he would accuse me of kicking him while he was asleep, of course I never touched him and he twisted my arm. I stupidly stayed with him. The fights continued and we ended up moving again but this time to his sister’s house. The fights got worse and I became depressed and he became distant. I pretty much begged God for help and guidance and I was always the one who apologized first and started the civilized conversation after a major argument, but he never did. In my isolation, since all my friends left me because of him and my family was so far away, I started chatting with an old ex boyfriend about my situation. He was comforting and made me feel like a person again. I ended up cheating on my fiance with him and as soon as it happened I called him crying hysterically and shaking and apologizing for what I had done to him. He forgave me, but started doubting my every move (very normal behavior under the circumstances) A couple of years went by, and he continued to accuse me with everyone I met or worked with. He would use fowl language to insult me (whore, or puta in spanish or zorra, and would talk about my intimates and how they “changed) then i stupidly got pregnant. One night we got into an argument because he was doubting that the baby was even his and started insulting me again. That was the last of it for me, I threw whatever I could get my hands on and almost hit him, of course he threw things back. I unfortunately did not have a car so I asked him to please drop me off at a hotel so that I could be alone and he would accuse me of trying to see my lovers from work there. I was done with this, what’s worse I was pregnant and the fights were the same magnitude as they were when I wasn’t. That same night he dropped me off at the hotel and followed me to the receptionist where he continued to insult me. I went into my room and cried for hours. I called him and asked to talk to him in a civilized manner, after all, we were having a child together. He calmed down, finally apologized to me and our un-borne child. Moving forward, my child was born in February and because he had a falling out with his sister she kicked us out and we were left in the street with a 4 day old child. I was devastated and pissed of at him because he quit his job while I was 1 month pregnant and I had to work for all 3 of us. I forgot to mention that he worked with me and would spy on me all the time. He was paranoid and would ask me who I was cheating with. Of course I never did after the first incident. An occasion presented itself in Houston while visiting the company’s headquarters, but I remembered how awful the first incident made him and me feel, so I decided not to go down the road and never have since. I was honest with him again and this time he took the news a lot better than before. Couple of years later, I am still being accused of cheating on him with all my ex-coworkers, I have not worked for the company for 2 years and have no contact with them at all, they are on my fb but I don’t talk to them. He still accuses me and calls me names and insults me every time we fight. Last night was the last of it for me. Fortunately our daughter was asleep in her bed when this incident occurred. I asked him so meting incredibly simple, I was feeling frustrated because he hasn’t paid my phone for several weeks now and my car has been broken down for several months now. I don’t have a job since we agreed I would stay home to raise our child but have been looking for work at night and have been helping him with his side job, but he decides to yell and insult me and call me names and humiliates me and it got out of hand because this time I insulted and mocked back. I was so tired of the fallacies that came out of his mouth and of all his misinterpretations of what I would say. I feel like he distorts what I say and how I act. If a man looks at me, he goes crazy on me and now, last night, I was so fed up of all his psycho paranoia babble and his insults, I finally slapped him. Being trained in martial arts he has told me he could hit without leaving bruises so when I slapped him, he blocked me, grabbed my arms to the point of leaving marks and hurting them and the threw me on the floor, of course hurting my back and neck. I of course broke up with him but don’t know what to do now since I am penniless, and have nowhere to go. I am afraid to call my mom and family since knowing our patterns we may end up making up again for the sake of our child, I am considering couples counseling, but not sure if we are too far gone to even try it. I don’t know what to do anymore, I am tired of being accused of something I haven’t done because of one mistake I made over 4 years ago. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, do you think I should stay and go to couples counseling? or simply walk away? Also, he is threatening me to take me to court because of our child and will send the police after me if I even try taking her with me to see my family, can he really do that? He threatened that he was going to get good help for court, I’m scared he’s going to try to take her away from me. I can’t lose her, she is my world and life and she is a lot more attached to me.

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Julia

I moved across the country to be with my boyfriend of four years. He didn’t get crazy with the accusations until my boss hired a male. The accusations were immediate but it died down a little. Then yesterday my manager called me from work on professional terms and my bf said my tone of voice to the guy was too friendly and colloquial and deduced that there must indeed be something going on between me and him. He said that because sometimes I would have to go to work when my manager was the only one there that that was me cheating too. He wants me to leave, but he’s my whole world. What am I meant to do? I suggested counseling. He laughed. Please, I need to fix this. I love him more than anything. I left behind everyone and everything I ever knew to be out here with him (something I’ve been telling him) He just puts up a wall when I talk to him about it, ignores me. It hurts so badly. I feel like I’ve been put on death row for robbing a bank when I wasn’t even at the bank to begin with. I can’t control the anxiety attacks I’m having. This is pure, raw Hell! I just want things to get better. How do I make it work?

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nina

Yes ive been accused and he even said that i am the one who told him i had sex with someone which was so crazy and out of touch with realit. .he really believes this happen ….its doesn’t matter how much i tell the truth,he still accuses and torchers me about this lie…ive never seen anthing like this…im beginnin to be concern that something is really wrong in his mind…i feel like ive lost my best friend….all for nothing at all.:-(

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Judy

So I’m dating this guy that is 26years old for bout 5months now I’m 18weeks prego and in the beginning of our relationshiphe’s hes never really accuse me of cheating but lately he’s been accusing me of cheating like everyday now idk what 2do I never gave him a reason to think that bout me I let him hold and answer my phone he works every day. He has a lock on his phone I can’t hold or even touch it could he be playing me???

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Mark

I have been married 5 years and for the last 2 my wife has been accusing me of cheating. I never cheated on her or even thought of such a thing. I would talk to her about this but she continues to accuse me. The more she accused me the less interested in sex I became. She would complain we weren’t having sex so I must be cheating. When she didn’t accuse me we would have sex but then she would start in again.She would come to the fire Department where I worked at 1:00am and sneak in and stand over my bed. She even fallowed female firefighters home after we had fire training. I had the fire Chief bring me in his office because of this. I kissed her and held her and told her I love her But, I got to the point I just didn’t want sex anymore. Now she’s divorcing me and I wish I knew what I could have done to prevent this.

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Michele

I want to know, if a person loves to be alone , wo uhh ld they have any interest in cheating

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    Kim L

    Michele,
    Being alone isn’t always a bad thing; it can be nurturing and settling. Not everyone wants to be with someone at all times. However, a person who likes to be alone can cheat as much as a person who likes to be with people.
    Sometimes cheating is a way to avoid having real intimacy. In other words, the person cheats to keep themselves separate and alone.
    Or the person who likes to be alone may be accused of cheating by a partner who views relationships as having to be together at all times. They see the need for alone time as a rejection and can only imagine the other must be cheating and being with someone else.
    Hope that helps.

    Reply
Nadz

Hi,
I have been with my fiancée for 5 years and during this time I have been accused of cheating almost daily. I have never cheated on him and never would. I love him beyond words. However, he had a relationship online with a girl abroad and was in touch with his exes until a year ago. I admit I had a lot of guy mates but we didn’t ever go there and they all knew about my fiancée I have since cut all ties with my friends and only see him. I feel so alone and isolated as though my every move is being watched. He has my passwords but I can’t have his nor can I touch his phone. We are getting married next year. Please help

Reply
    Kim L

    Nadz,
    You might want to read up on controlling relationships before you decide to get married. Isolating someone is a major step unhealthy partners take in the quest to control another person. As is having to know everything about you, but not letting you know anything about him.
    Qualities like kindness and respect are essential for a healthy relationship. You have to ask if you really have those things and if they can (or will) be developed. You BOTH need to want to develop them.
    Check the national domestic violence hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/) and look under “is this abuse” as a start.

    Reply
Shani

I am in the same accusing stage. my ex and i are still friends and my present bf accuse me of still wanting to be with my ex. every guy i talk with i am having a relationship with them, its been almost 2 years and i can count on 1 hand the days that i am not accuse of cheating i dont know what to do anymore

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krissy

My husband and I been married for 4 years now. When we were married for 3 months he’s been meeting up with a few girls to buy some items. I was stressed out and I went to my parents place for awhile cause I was mad, when I got back he was talking to more girls on his myspace and ever since then he’s been accusing me of cheating. A few months had pass and he was on myspace again talking to girls. I never told him anything but it did bothered me. One year and a half later he stopped talking to girls. Now its been 4 years and still get accused of cheating even though I never cheated from the start. I was talking about divorcing him but he thinks I’m doing it cause he says there is a guy waiting that’s why.. but all these years I’ve been convincing him I’m not and prove myself.. he once told me his ex wife cheated on him and since then he never trusted a women specially me. I don’t know what to do. We recently have a 3 month old baby..

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shantay

1) at work a co worker came up asked where to get some food & I was trying to be a good person 2) because I got furniture from a neighbor upstairs, 3) he said I was checking someone out I told him I thought the person looked funny & thats it.. 4) the facebook situation & messages. I was not expecting the person to ask if I was single & because I was just adding people just to add them. 5) about the fathers of my children I dont speak with them but he thinks I still have feelings for them which I dont 6) we seperated for awhile & so I wanted to get advice from a old guy friend & i only spoke with him once but than he text me whats up mija at first I didnt recognize the number… it created alot of tension between us I explained to him I dont know why he would do that because I only spoke with him once about us… 7) laughing at the customer so he thought I was flirting… I love my man very much I truly prays he see’s that I could never do such a thing. I explained to him about each situation but he also done some wrong but I do not judge on it because I truly love him with all my heart… I really hope God touches his heart & shows he can trust me… right now we have seperated… I never wanted or intended for him to feel like he couldnt trust me…

Reply
BrookeH

I have been in a relationship for 2 and a half years. For two of those years nearly every day I get accused of being unfaithful. I moved 3 hours away to a town where I know nobody for my partner. After all this time I still don’t know anyone that isn’t a friend or family member of my girlfriend. In addition to that I rarely talk to my friends or family and even more rarely get to see them. I got a job and ended up quitting mainly bc I was sick of being accused of liking someone I work with.. nobody in particular just any random person o worked with. So my girlfriend got me a job working with her and we constantly fight at work and at home. I can’t even have a day off without her accusing ke of being on a dating website or cheating online. I have never been unfaithful in any way or thought about it. Yet any time spent apart it causes a fight bc she thinks I am cheating. I am at my wits end, I cannot take anymore accusations, screaming and having things thrown at me. I think the right thing to do is leave but she always talks me out of it bc she says I’m just giving up and that we are meant to be together and we just have to work at it. I feel that I have exhausted every effort to try to save the relationship and she feels that I’m not trying at all and that I’m unfaithful and a liar. I am so confused… I want to leave I think it is for the best but she always convinces me to stay only to keep accusing me of lying and cheating when I have NEVER done anything that could even be considered even flirting with anyone… Help!

Reply
    Lina

    Hi BrookeH, I have been in the same situation and thought things would get better, but in fact they haven’t. I always thought he was going to change and stop accusing me, but he only got worse. I should of walked away but it’s too late for me because we have a 2 year old daughter so we will be going to see a couple’s therapist. He is also going to see a therapist, that will help him with his insecurities. Unfortunately things don’t get better but worse unless the person is willing to admit they have a problem and look for help. If they are not willing to do so, then you have tried your best and you can walk away from them. You changed your life for her and are trying your best to get help for your relationship, I think asking them to either read this blog or go see a therapist shouldn’t be such a big deal.

    Just some friendly advice, I speak from experience, I am in an abusive relationship and if I could of walked away from my then boyfriend I would have. Now we are a family and are looking for ways to better ourselves for our child.

    Stay strong.

    Reply
Alexandra

My boyfriend and I live together for almost 3years and has always has accused me of txt or cheating with another guy for awhile. Well curiosity got the best of me because he gets upset when I touch his phone so on Sunday he was using the lawn mower and I checked his wallet and to my surprise I found two little cut out papers one with and Email and one with a phone number.

So I called the number and nobody answer but on Monday someone txt me and said “hi” so I replied back and said “who is this” they replied “don’t you know me anymore from affairalert” so I asked what’s your name and they replied “Linda”…
I haven’t said anything to him about it but I feel betrayed I feel upset he would do this to me because one time I caught him looking at what to me appeared to be another women’s picture on his phone and he denied it and said I was making it up.
He feels that something is wrong with me and all I say is I feel sick that’s all.
So I’m planning to ask him for his phone bill and if I find that girls number on there not till them will I tell him and show him what I found and also ask him for his username and password to that website.

I went on the website and his a SEX website cheating married people….I just fell so Stupid after everything I have put up with.

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retrobepo

A few years ago I was under the impression that my husband of only a few years at the time, cheated on me. I was working long hours and was under tremendous stress for the three years I had a feeling he was cheating. Many nights I’d be on my way home and greed be at a bar or restaurant because he could not stand to be alone at the house. Though most of the time I made sure they was good, he’d make sure to be out to eat for hours before I came home. At first I thought nothing of it but know I think back and tender some of the clues tdt at the time I either could not understand or want to believe. He was a charmer, but I did not realize this until he began during with women in front of me.when I asked him why our notes about it he always denied it or played it off like he did not know how to flirt. Then they was a time we went food shopping, as we posed the isle of condoms he asked of we should get some and start using them. I was disturbed by this comment and still am but he denies ever saying that. And then of course that’s his face book friend who he flirted with late at night online (he has many women friends from even before we starte dating and a porn addiction). I found nothing Sexual being said but by the time I confronted him about it I already had my suspicions off his infidelity. When I asked him straight forward of he ever cheated be said with a straight face, no then asked why. After the conversation I saw a reply from the girl to a message that was obviously deleted that said “..I didn’t know she was like that.” But this was not the first time he spoke negatively about me. The killer was that after I asked he not speak to her again, we see her at a mutual friends house and they awkwardly ignored each other(as of he told her he couldn’t talk to her). He currently is still friends with her.on facebook but all I can see now are his likes on her posts. Our mutual friend is also a women and has told me he talks to her about us. When we spoke about My feeling that this girl and him may have had relations, she said well I know that this girl goes after married guys. Then in the same sentence, she told me that she knows he loves me. The sad part is I can’t trust this girl either, she’s a true drama queen.

The end of this story goes like this…at the end of last year we finally had a fading out. We were at a party and he began to completely ignore me.he left me alone for over an hour agile he and his friends were busy setting up for a performance (mind you he is not in the band and was not very close with these guys). He sounds up leaving me alone on the side stage for an hour. After the show we went to the after party and though we were both drinking I remember a girl friend of mine saying during conversation that soothing Terry said about me was very disrespectful. Not long after that we left and broke air into an ask our screaming match on public on our way out the door. As we made it to the car I insisted he acknowledge his actions and screamed hiw his bullshit made me want to devorce him. He basically agreed as he walked himself to the car and told me to do as I pleasedwhike he sober up in the comfort of his car Alone. As I began to walk away and calm down I couldn’t believe his sheer disregard of me in my drunken state and this upset me even more. I approachedted him yet again yelling “are you seriously going to let me find my own way home now, do you really not care” he ignored me again and I began to scream, then with a clenched fist he punched me in the jaw. Than and only the did he ever truly apologize for himself. As I got over the initial shock of what happened I began to cry and pull away. Later that evening (after I drive us home so he would get a dwi) I Todd him I thought we should separate for awhile. He became very upset and said if I leave he didn’t believe I’d ever come back. I decided to stay under the preface of a six month period that if I didn’t see a change I would leave. It’s been six months now and things have been going good. But I still can’t seem to trust him. I can’t let get over the feeling that it’s only a matter of time before I become vested again in the relationship and this will happen again.
What are your thoughts, I’m I crazy for staying because I love him?

Reply
Jasline

I was with my bf for almost 8 yrs. im 24 hes 26 hes honestly a fkn deadbeat! why i stuck around? love is really blind thats why! we have a son hes 3 now. youd think that be enough time to get it together right. Well aperantly not. I support my self and my son. while this guy lives at home with hes parents. I just really wanted it to work so bad ive stuck around so dam long. Tried to help him out so much. All he does is put me down. The last 2 years now evry single fn day i must get accused of cheating or trying to cheat. Things have gotten ridic! is it my ex boss my ex boyfriend a coworker an excoworker a friend of hes or even hes family? why are you getting home from work 20min late or early? why are you acting funny? why dont you want to have sex? why didnt you go to work? or did you really go to work or did you go f someone? hearing that every single day is draining. its a complete waist of time. most of the time things are good. good to me means hes not asking me for money and hes actually paying attention to us and hes working. maybe just a lil step closer to moving in. SIKE! its never going to happen if this is happening to you get out now! things between us have not gotten physical and just so much more verlbally abusive. hes making me crazy. Im done with this! so done! it doesnt matter what you say whether is the truth or not. They just dont believe. they need serious HELP!…….Movie on!

Reply
Heartbroken

My marriage of 5 months to the love of my life is suddenly falling apart. We met 38 yrs ago (I was 25; he was 31), when he arrived in California from Chile and we had a relationship that lasted off and on for 11 years. Our lives took different directions but we never forgot each other. In late 2008, I found his number in Illinois, called and found that he too had been divorced at almost the exact time I had, lived alone (though with occasional relationships) like I had, and still felt the same way about me as I did him. He told me that he had felt guilty all those years for losing what we had and that he had never truly been in love except with me.

In December 2012, he flew to California and we saw each other again for the first time in over 20 years. It was like we had never been apart and it was wonderful. I had been in a declining sporadic relationship for a while, but after reconnecting with my old love, I told the guy I’d been seeing what had happened and that I wanted to see where this new relationship would go. The old boyfriend and I parted as good friends in mid-January 2013 and I saw him briefly once more in March when he came to plant a tree for me (he didn’t even come in the house). Since then I’ve not seen him at all.

We became engaged in Feb. 2013 and he flew back and forth to see me almost every month. In April a year ago, he accused me of sneaking around while he was in Illinois and that he had proof. I was NOT cheating. To my eternal regret, I did try to hide the fact that the ex-boyfriend had been there to plant the tree, and it came out. At that point, he said that he couldn’t trust me, that I lied, that he couldn’t believe anything I said. It was absolute hell. Ever since, I have done everything possible to demonstrate that he can trust me. Things gradually smoothed over. I’ve gone overboard with caution: I always ask him to go with me when I run errands, have a doctor or dentist appointment, even when I go to the beauty shop.

We married on Oct. 27. It was the culmination of years of wanting to be together and until last Monday, it’s been good. He is retired and has willingly, voluntarily and without my asking been doing everything around the house, the yard and taking care of my two dogs (he adores them). He’s said that’s how he wanted to help and feel useful, so that when I get home from work I don’t have to do a thing. He’s been an angel–taking care of me, utterly loving, tender, sexy, funny, responsible, cheerful, talkative. There was so much joy and laughter. Then Monday happened…

When I came home for lunch, I mentioned I needed to go to the bank and asked if he wanted to come with me. He said no, that would be silly because it’s close to my work so I should just go and do it myself. I returned to the office and parked in the first spot in the first row by the building, under a big tree with the windshield shades up because it was so hot. I worked till 5:16 and decided not to run the errand, as traffic is bad at that hour and I wanted to get home. When I arrived at 5:30, he asked if I’d been to the bank and I told him no and why; he smirked and said he knew I would say that and that a warning bell on his “antenna” was telling him that I was lying. He had driven to my office before 5:00 to surprise me and go to the bank with me, looked for my car, didn’t see it (I don’t know how he could have missed it, but he did), waited a few minutes and left for home before I came out of the building. I explained all this, told him exactly what I’d been doing, asked if he’d like to confirm it with the person I’d been working with and he said no. I was so outraged and hurt at the accusation that I became quite angry and told him he was absolutely wrong. I also said he was so insecure (which is true; he often asks me what I see in him) that he looks for rejection and betrayal where it doesn’t exist (a remnant from his previous experiences in two marriages, both as cheater and cheated upon). I started to cry from anger and frustration, which he interpreted as the manipulative tears of a little kid who’s been caught red-handed.

We barely spoke for two days and the coldness from him was numbing. He won’t look at me, responds in monosyllables and is sleeping in a different room. I’m a very quiet person by nature and conflict drives me even further into my shell, which makes him think I’m hiding something. He had always said that we would be able to get through anything if we held on to each other’s hands (literally or figuratively); I asked him if we were still holding hands and he said no because “you lied to me.” He says he has proof but won’t tell me what it is because I’m just trying to figure out his techniques so I can get around them. I showed him a printout from my work computer that says exactly when I logged off (5:16 pm); he said he didn’t care. I told him he could check my phone and my email if he wanted; he said no. I reassured him that my conscience is absolutely clear, that I have nothing to hide, that I love him and no one but him; he just laughs and says I’m “acting.” I am so stressed I can barely eat or sleep and my hands shake, all of which he takes as evidence of my guilt. To add insult to injury, he said I was being selfish letting him do everything around the house and he was tired of it and he was through doing anything for me.

We’re not kids. I’m 62 and he’s 69. We know we don’t have unlimited time ahead of us and this is our last, miraculous second chance at happiness. I meant those wedding vows. And I’m at a total loss. I will not confess to something I didn’t do. I did not lie. How do you prove a negative? The more I say, it seems the worse things get. I don’t know how to be any more truthful or more faithful to him. I don’t want this marriage to end up in coldness or divorce. I want the love, the intimacy, the closeness, the tenderness back again. Please please help.

Reply
Heartbroken and alone

My marriage of 5 months to the love of my life is suddenly falling apart. I’m beyond distraught and I just don’t know what to do. I know this is long and I apologize, but please let me give some background, as it will help in understanding the situation.

We met 38 yrs ago (I was 25; he was 31), when he arrived in California as an exiled political prisoner from Chile, after 3 years in Pinochet’s torture centers and concentration camps. I worked for a social service agency and as I’m fluent in Spanish, I happened to be the one who did the intake interview. Our mutual attraction was immediate and we had a relationship that lasted off and on for some 11 years. I was single and dated other people, though I would have married him in a heartbeat (probably inadvisably at the ages we were then). He was in a marriage more of convenience than love–she had cheated repeatedly but helped him get out of Chile and came with him to the US. He, in turn, agreed to support her while she went to school, something that was supposed to take 4 years but ended up taking 14 till she got her PhD. During that time, they both had outside relationships. After she got her doctorate, they divorced (unbeknownst to me) and by that time, I was married. He was single for a while, then had a one-night stand with a Spanish girl who was moving to Illinois the next day for a teaching job and she got pregnant. They decided to give marriage a shot and he moved to Illinois as well to be with his son and to help her get her citizenship papers. A year and a half later, they had a daughter, and shortly thereafter, they agreed the marriage wasn’t working and he moved into the basement. Again, they both had outside relationships. After a couple of years, he moved to his own apartment and stayed in the Midwest until both kids were in college. I’ve met his children and they’re great. He is an absolutely amazing father.

We never forgot each other.Each of us always wondered how and where the other one was and many years after my divorce, my curiosity got to me and I was able to find his phone number on the Internet. In late 2008, I called and found that he too had been divorced at almost the exact time I had, lived alone (though with occasional relationships) like I had, and still felt the same way about me as I did him. He always has told me that the greatest regret of his life was not leaving his first wife for me (he almost did, but his sense of obligation and what he felt was right prevailed) and he had felt guilty all those years for losing what we had and that he had never truly been in love except with me.

In December 2012, he flew to California and we saw each other again for the first time in over 20 years. It was like we had never been apart and it was wonderful. I had been in an declining sporadic relationship for a while, but after reconnecting with Willy, I told the guy I’d been seeing what had happened and that I wanted to see where this new relationship would go. The old boyfriend and I parted as good friends in mid-January 2013 and I saw him briefly once more in March when he came to plant a tree for me (he didn’t even come in the house). Since then I’ve not seen him at all.

Willy and I became engaged in Feb. 2013 and he flew back and forth to see me almost every month. In April, precisely a year ago, he accused me of sneaking around the whole time while he was in Illinois and that he had proof. I was not cheating. To my eternal regret, I did try to hide the fact that the ex-boyfriend had been there to plant the tree, and it did come out. At that point, he said that he couldn’t trust me, that I lied, that he couldn’t believe anything I said. It was hell. As examples, once when I had a doctor’s appt a few blocks from home, the next day he accused me of putting some 40 miles on my car because he had checked the odometer; he did it once a few days later; when I got home from work (1 mile from home) claimed the mileage was up again and that if I hadn’t driven it, I must be loaning the car to someone else. Ever since May 2013, I have done everything possible to demonstrate that he can trust me. When I next saw him in June, things gradually smoothed over. I’ve gone overboard with caution: I always ask him to go with me when I run errands, have a doctor or dentist appointment, even when I go to the beauty shop.

All seemed fine again and we married on Oct. 27. It was the culmination of years of wanting to be together and until last Monday, it’s been good. He made his final cross-country trip and moved into my little house at the end of November. It’s hard for two people from different backgrounds who’ve lived alone for 12 years to get used to each other and reconcile the long-treasured idealized vision we had of each other to a real person with flaws. For some time, he’s complained about a) I don’t talk enough and b) not having enough space for himself (which is true, though I’m working on clearing things out and making more room). He is retired and has willingly, voluntarily and without my asking been doing everything around the house, the yard and taking care of my two dogs (he adores them). He’s said that’s how he wanted to help and feel useful, so that when I get home from work I don’t have to do a thing. He’s been an angel–taking care of me, utterly loving, tender, sexy, funny, responsible, cheerful, talkative. There was so much joy and laughter. Then Monday happened…

When I came home for lunch, I mentioned I needed to go to the bank and asked if he wanted to come with me. He said no, that would be silly because it’s close to my work so I should just go and do it myself. I returned to the office and parked in the first spot in the first row by the building, under a big tree with the windshield shades up because it was so hot. I worked till 5:16 and decided not to run the errand, as traffic is bad at that hour and I wanted to get home. When I arrived at 5:30, he asked if I’d been to the bank and I told him no and why; he smirked and said he knew I would say that and that a warning bell on his “antenna” was telling him that I was lying. He had driven to my office before 5:00 to surprise me and go to the bank with me, looked for my car, didn’t see it (I don’t know how he could have missed it, but he obviously did), waited a few minutes and left for home before I came out of the building. I explained all this, told him exactly what I’d been doing, asked if he’d like to confirm it with the person I’d been working with and he said no. I was so outraged and hurt at the accusation that I became quite angry and told him he was absolutely wrong. I also said he was so insecure (which is true; he often asks me what I see in him) that he looks for rejection and betrayal where it doesn’t exist (probably a remnant from his previous experiences in marriage, both as cheater and cheat-ee). I started to cry from anger and frustration, which he interpreted as the manipulative tears of a little kid who’s been caught red-handed.

We barely spoke for two days and the coldness from him was numbing. He has completely stopped doing anything for me, won’t look at me, responds in monosyllables and is sleeping in a different room (where he went initially because he had a cold but now he’s staying). I’m a very quiet person by nature and conflict drives me even further into my shell, which makes him think I’m hiding something. However, I couldn’t take it any more and tried to talk to him again last night, to little if any avail. He had always said that we would be able to get through anything if we held on to each other’s hands (literally or figuratively); I asked him if we were still holding hands and he said no because “you lied to me.” He says he has proof but won’t tell me what it is because I’m just trying to figure out his techniques so I can get around them. I showed him a printout from my work computer that says exactly when I logged off (5:16 pm); he said he didn’t care. I told him he could check my phone and my email if he wanted (he’s always been suspicious of them); he said no. I reassured him that my conscience is absolutely clear, that I have nothing to hide, that I love him and no one but him; he just laughs and says I’m “acting.” And he can’t resist zapping me with zingers, e.g., when talking to the gardeners, he said, “You know Americans. They say one thing and mean another.”; or when a salesman called and I asked what the call was, “It was just a guy selling something…unless you want to talk to him.”; or “You’re upset because you’re trying to figure out how to get out of this” (my “lying”). I’m so stressed I can barely eat or sleep and my hands shake, all of which he takes as evidence of my guilt. To add insult to injury, he said I was being selfish letting him do everything around the house and he was sick and tired of it and he was through doing anything for me.

We’re not kids. I’m 62 and he’s 69, both in good shape and looking a bit wrinkly but fine for our ages. We know we don’t have unlimited time ahead of us and this is our last, miraculous second chance at happiness. I meant those wedding vows. And I’m at a total loss. I will not confess to something I didn’t do. I did not lie. How do you prove a negative? The more I say, it seems the worse things get. I don’t know how to be any more truthful or more faithful to him. I don’t want this marriage to end up in coldness or divorce. I want the love, the intimacy, the closeness, the tenderness back again.

Please please help.

Reply
Karen

My marriage of 5 months to the love of my life is suddenly falling apart. I’m beyond distraught and I just don’t know what to do. I know this is long and I apologize, but please let me give some background, as it will help in understanding the situation.

We met 38 yrs ago (I was 25; he was 31), when he arrived in California as an exiled political prisoner from Chile, after 3 years in Pinochet’s torture centers and concentration camps. I worked for a social service agency and as I’m fluent in Spanish, I happened to be the one who did the intake interview. Our mutual attraction was immediate and we had a relationship that lasted off and on for some 11 years. I was single and dated other people, though I would have married him in a heartbeat (probably inadvisably at the ages we were then). He was in a marriage more of convenience than love–she had cheated repeatedly but helped him get out of Chile and came with him to the US. He, in turn, agreed to support her while she went to school, something that was supposed to take 4 years but ended up taking 14 till she got her PhD. During that time, they both had outside relationships. After she got her doctorate, they divorced (unbeknownst to me) and by that time, I was married. He was single for a while, then had a one-night stand with a Spanish girl who was moving to Illinois the next day for a teaching job and she got pregnant. They decided to give marriage a shot and he moved to Illinois as well to be with his son and to help her get her citizenship papers. A year and a half later, they had a daughter, and shortly thereafter, they agreed the marriage wasn’t working and he moved into the basement. Again, they both had outside relationships. After a couple of years, he moved to his own apartment and stayed in the Midwest until both kids were in college. I’ve met his children and they’re great. He is an absolutely amazing father.

We never forgot each other.Each of us always wondered how and where the other one was and many years after my divorce, my curiosity got to me and I was able to find his phone number on the Internet. In late 2008, I called and found that he too had been divorced at almost the exact time I had, lived alone (though with occasional relationships) like I had, and still felt the same way about me as I did him. He always has told me that the greatest regret of his life was not leaving his first wife for me (he almost did, but his sense of obligation and what he felt was right prevailed) and he had felt guilty all those years for losing what we had and that he had never truly been in love except with me.

In December 2012, he flew to California and we saw each other again for the first time in over 20 years. It was like we had never been apart and it was wonderful. I had been in an declining sporadic relationship for a while, but after reconnecting with Willy, I told the guy I’d been seeing what had happened and that I wanted to see where this new relationship would go. The old boyfriend and I parted as good friends in mid-January 2013 and I saw him briefly once more in March when he came to plant a tree for me (he didn’t even come in the house). Since then I’ve not seen him at all.

Willy and I became engaged in Feb. 2013 and he flew back and forth to see me almost every month. In April, precisely a year ago, he accused me of sneaking around the whole time while he was in Illinois and that he had proof. I was not cheating. To my eternal regret, I did try to hide the fact that the ex-boyfriend had been there to plant the tree, and it did come out. At that point, he said that he couldn’t trust me, that I lied, that he couldn’t believe anything I said. It was hell. As examples, once when I had a doctor’s appt a few blocks from home, the next day he accused me of putting some 40 miles on my car because he had checked the odometer; he did it once a few days later; when I got home from work (1 mile from home) claimed the mileage was up again and that if I hadn’t driven it, I must be loaning the car to someone else. Ever since May 2013, I have done everything possible to demonstrate that he can trust me. When I next saw him in June, things gradually smoothed over. I’ve gone overboard with caution: I always ask him to go with me when I run errands, have a doctor or dentist appointment, even when I go to the beauty shop.

All seemed fine again and we married on Oct. 27. It was the culmination of years of wanting to be together and until last Monday, it’s been good. He made his final cross-country trip and moved into my little house at the end of November. It’s hard for two people from different backgrounds who’ve lived alone for 12 years to get used to each other and reconcile the long-treasured idealized vision we had of each other to a real person with flaws. For some time, he’s complained about a) I don’t talk enough and b) not having enough space for himself (which is true, though I’m working on clearing things out and making more room). He is retired and has willingly, voluntarily and without my asking been doing everything around the house, the yard and taking care of my two dogs (he adores them). He’s said that’s how he wanted to help and feel useful, so that when I get home from work I don’t have to do a thing. He’s been an angel–taking care of me, utterly loving, tender, sexy, funny, responsible, cheerful, talkative. There was so much joy and laughter. Then Monday happened…

When I came home for lunch, I mentioned I needed to go to the bank and asked if he wanted to come with me. He said no, that would be silly because it’s close to my work so I should just go and do it myself. I returned to the office and parked in the first spot in the first row by the building, under a big tree with the windshield shades up because it was so hot. I worked till 5:16 and decided not to run the errand, as traffic is bad at that hour and I wanted to get home. When I arrived at 5:30, he asked if I’d been to the bank and I told him no and why; he smirked and said he knew I would say that and that a warning bell on his “antenna” was telling him that I was lying. He had driven to my office before 5:00 to surprise me and go to the bank with me, looked for my car, didn’t see it (I don’t know how he could have missed it, but he obviously did), waited a few minutes and left for home before I came out of the building. I explained all this, told him exactly what I’d been doing, asked if he’d like to confirm it with the person I’d been working with and he said no. I was so outraged and hurt at the accusation that I became quite angry and told him he was absolutely wrong. I also said he was so insecure (which is true; he often asks me what I see in him) that he looks for rejection and betrayal where it doesn’t exist (probably a remnant from his previous experiences in marriage, both as cheater and cheat-ee). I started to tear up from anger and frustration, which he interpreted as the manipulative tears of a little kid who’s been caught red-handed.

We barely spoke for two days and the coldness from him was numbing. He has completely stopped doing anything for me, won’t look at me, responds in monosyllables and is sleeping in a different room (where he went initially because he had a cold but now he’s staying). I’m a very quiet person by nature and conflict drives me even further into my shell, which makes him think I’m hiding something. However, I couldn’t take it any more and tried to talk to him again last night, to little if any avail. He had always said that we would be able to get through anything if we held on to each other’s hands (literally or figuratively); I asked him if we were still holding hands and he said no because “you lied to me.” He says he has proof but won’t tell me what it is because I’m just trying to figure out his techniques so I can get around them. I showed him a printout from my work computer that says exactly when I logged off (5:16 pm); he said he didn’t care. I told him he could check my phone and my email if he wanted (he’s always been suspicious of them); he said no. I reassured him that my conscience is absolutely clear, that I have nothing to hide, that I love him and no one but him; he just laughs and says I’m “acting.” And he can’t resist hitting me with little zingers at every opportunity, i.e., “You’ve been stressed because you’re trying to figure out how to get out of this” (getting “caught”); “You don’t mean what you say”; when a salesman called, “He was just looking for a sale…unless you want to talk to him”; commenting to the gardeners, “You know Americans: they say one thing and mean another”; on and on ad infinitum. To add insult to injury, he said I was being selfish letting him do everything around the house and he was sick and tired of it and he was through doing anything for me. I’m so stressed that I can barely eat or sleep and my hands shake–all of which he takes as evidence of my “guilt.”

We’re not kids. I’m 62 and he’s 69, both in good shape and looking a bit wrinkly but fine for our ages. We know we don’t have unlimited time ahead of us and this is our last, miraculous second chance at happiness. I meant those wedding vows. And I’m at a total loss. I will not confess to something I didn’t do. I did not lie. How do you prove a negative? The more I say, it seems the worse things get. I don’t know how to be any more truthful or more faithful to him. I don’t want this marriage to end up in coldness or divorce. I want the love, the intimacy, the closeness, the tenderness back again.

Please let me know your thoughts.

With boundless gratitude,
Karen

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Baba

I have a wife,but she keeps me asking do you really love me and I start asking why always keep on asking that,she says I’m just asking and one day says that she don’t want to delay her life and to me sounds like she is board to be with me.It sounds as if I’m not doing enough even If I take her to the restaurant “randomly why I you smiling and I say I’m not and she will keep saying you thinking somewhere.I’m still confused about what must I do.We were married for seven years and we have three doughters and I have a fear of those kids because they really love me.Please help me.

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Nicky

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and also found out I was pregnant about 2 months ago.. My boyfriend always accuses me of cheating and always asking me a 101 questions about where have I been… Etc… When I tell him he starts with his sarcastic accusations… I have walked away about 4 times and he then texts me with I love u and I won’t do it again… I’m in a situation where I’m living in his house and pregnant with his child..I almost feel he feels sorry for me coz if we do split up I’m the one who has to leave and he feels guilty for the unborn child.. Then that would basically make me homeless . There is no intimacy at all… He says I’m exaggerating because I’m pregnant…I honestly don’t know what to do? I’m 21 and want all the best for are child I don’t know whether I should walk away or just stay with him for the sake of my unborn child…

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K

Hi Kim. I’ve dated this guy for 7 years and got married to him because I got pregnant. Basically, i have caught him cheating on me (sex with other women) prior to the marriage and probably some other stuff i have no idea about when he was living in another country while we were dating long-distance. I think i should have ended it the first time i caught him but as naive as i was i “forgave” him because i was too scared to lose him. Now i am regretting this. Every step of the way during my pregnancy he has demanded for a dna test whether this is his kid or not. Even when my son was born. So when my son was shy of 1 month old, he forced me and my son to do a dna test – if i didnt then he would deny that this was his son. 2nd flag that i should have just left.

Now my son just turned 1 yrs old and he still accuses me of sleeping with other men. How could i have any time when all i have time is for a fulltime job, taking care of my baby, and being a housewife doing all the chores? I just saw a hickey-like mark on his back as well so when i asked him what it was he then just talked about how unfaithful i am and how he forgives me. I know this probably stems from me not telling him the truth about meeting an ex at a party which i hadn’t even had a conversation with – but didnt want to tell him because he is illogical and possesive. I feel so stressed and uncomfortable and dont really know who to talk to now. I want my son to have a mother and father but im starting to think if being verbally abused in front of my son is not better than my son being raised by me solely. Sorry for such a long comment, i really have no one to talk to about this.

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Nikki

My husband and I have been together for eight years.we have three beautiful children together. We have been through some ups and downs together, but always work through everything together and communicate great. Last year he went to a rehab program on his own will, after we got into a fight and I kicked him out. He was gone for a week, which is the longest we have ever been away from each other. The first couple of days were rough, he would call and be upset because he Wasn’t feeling well, And I would hang up on him. I was worried sick about him, but felt that it was unfair for him to yell at me. The whole time he was gone I mailed him a package, cleaned the house, took the kids to school and focused on making sure he would be comfortable when heGot home. Fast forward 9 months to now, and boy am I going through hell. New years eve we decided to have a couple of drinks together, which we haven’t done in years. He got very intoxicated and started screamingat me.. accusing me of cheating on him when he was in “rehab hell”. I would never cheat on my husband Ever, that is not how I was raised I do not believe in that and I love and cherish my husband more than life itself. He was saying the most hurtful things to me that came out of complete left field. I was hyperventilating in the corner, he wouldn’t let me speak, I had to call his brother to come and get him. The next morning of course he didn’t remember any of it, but it’s definitely something I’ll never forget. We tried to talk, he said he feels like I’m not being honest with him about the time he was gone and he knows in his gut I did something he just doesn’t know what. I assured him that nothing had happened, I was taking care of the house and kids when he was gone and that was it. We got along fine for another week, then the same fight again. Once again he said he believed me and dropped it for a month or so. We find out we are expecting. Oh man, things get worse. He tells mehe wants a divorce he’s certain I did something I’m not telling him about, he feels we can’t raise a child togetherbecause I’m a liar. My heart is completely broken. I want this baby more than life itself, I love my husband to death I am so crushed that he feels this way. I don’t know what to do. He says that I’m just scared to tell him the truth but NOTHING HAPPENED so what do I do?

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Tamara

I’m depressed and at the end of my rope emotionally. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We’ve lived together for 1.5. Every since a few months in, when I stopped talking to him after a fight (I wanted him to call and apologize) he’s had constant accusations. He said I must have not been talking to him because I was seeing someone else. Then, he got onto my facebook without my permission and found me making comments about wanting ot break up with him (because he screamed at me so much) and saying I wanted to find someone new first because I didn’t want to be alone. He’s guilt-tripped me about that nonstop for years. Then, a male friend thousands of miles away called me twice while we were at dinner, and for months he accused me of cheating with the person that called, even though i showed him the out-of-state area code, adn he knew were i was every second of the day. Now, I finally have a freakin’ friend, female, and I invited her over to hang out, since he had his friend over anyway. And he accused me of cheating WITH HER.

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    Kim L

    Tamara,
    Go see someone for your own support; especially in regards to your first sentence “I’m depressed and at the end of my rope emotionally.” Then, once you have yourself solid on your feet, decide if you really want to be with someone who, in your words, “screams at me so much.” If he is honest and truly wants to get healthy and be in a healthy relationship he’ll be willing to see someone with you and work on that screaming.
    But bottom line, get yourself healthy and safe.

    Reply
Alex

Hello,

I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We are visiting each other every 3-4 months and we are constantly talking on the phone or online. We love each other so much and we are planning to be together for good in a few months.
We always had stupid fights about the small things as normal in these kind of relationships, but the incident below let things over the line..
A couple of months ago, when he was visiting, he hacked my fb account and he found a couple of chats in my inbox (one was with an old ex and the other was with a guy that hit on me at a party last summer). There was nothing going on with those guys and the chats were of casual context (nothing flirty or sexual). Still, he got furious, we had a huge fight, he stated that he lost his trust in me and he accused me of cheating (even if i didn’t, i was being accused of having the intention to).
The fact that we are in a long distance relationship didn’t really help this situation. We had many talks, I tried to explain that there was nothing going on and I tried to convince him that I never met with those guys and that my feelings for him never changed. We tried to work it out (for almost a month) and after a few days, I thought that we had left it behind and that we had resolved this issue.
It’s been weeks and since, with every chance he gets, he starts accusing me for this incident and we are going through the same arguments again and again. He sounds hurt, uncertain, suspicious and aggresive. Even if it is a good day, he might recall on something and he will ask me something relevant with this incident (eg. If i still have feelings with my ex, and if i was thinking of him since we broke up (2010)). I don’t know when he’s going to get over it and I have to admit that it is a really arduous situation. I try to reassure him everytime that there is nothing going on and we are going through the same arguments again and again. I feel like he is really strugling to get over it but he simply can’t – his ego is seriously hurt.
I really want to work things out. We are going to be apart for three more months – we waited so long for this that I don’t want it to fail..
Do you think that it is normal to still accuse me of cheating (even if i didn’t) just for communicating (with my ex once/twice a year and with the other guy almost once a month) with these guys?
Is there any way I can help him get over this infidel impression of me?
It’s been really hard for me to try refuting his accusations over and over again (sometimes when i do he is even accusing me that I don’t admit my mistakes).
Thank you for your time..

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sara

I am Spanish married to an english born from an Indian family.Been married for 20 years and have 4 kids.Everything started about 6 years ago when he started preferring spending time with his friends, then started saying you are not cover properly, your bottom came off, your shoes are not good, have u got make up on ?… so I started seen that he could wear what he wanted, go with his friends when he wanted,if I had problem with his family was never a big deal,he has called me bitch, prostitute, that him and his family are better than me and my family, he has slept at his friends house every weekend for the past 12 years, he has punched me twice, he says i am stupid thats why I don’t have any friends…… I don’t have friends because since I marry him I have just looked after my kids because this is just me. This last year we were going to go on holidays together but because we had a problem with 1 of the passports we couldn’t go BUT mister went for 2 weeks to a friends wedding out of the country.. so I decided to take motorway lessons while he was out and a years later his dad told him that they saw me in a car with a man obviously on purpose as they know that we are having problems, since this matters has gone really bad as I know hate his family for this. H e has also travel to turkey with his family, to Amsterdan with his friends ( he says he didn’t do anything), to another country for giving aid for 3 weeks, and anther 2 weeks with his family again….
AND ME AN MY KIDS WHAT ? I asked my self…after all this things put together that have happened over this 6-7 years I had explode big time and I have chucked him out of the house. he has been out for 5 month now in which he has slowly trying to change. The thing is that 2 weeks ago the night before he left to go with his family he made me promise him in Gods name That since these 20 years I have never slept with anybody. How do YOU think I am feeling with all this things how can he dare to even think about it when I didn’t grew up in here and all I have done is looking after my kids and on top of that I don’t have any self stem anymore, I am not confident, I can’t sleep, I cry many times….He says I have change, well thank God I have , because he pretends that he can do and go wherever he wants and I am going to sit while he points at me for things he does himself ?
On top of all he has backbite and slander about me to his brothers and sister, if they see me on the street they turn their face away .. I just don’t know how to handle this . I am not happy that his family hates me for no reason and I can’t stand they know things about me they shouldn’t know just because of him,, they called me animal because I shouted at their brother, What about the way he treats me and the kids. By the way my kids are on my side because on every argument they have been there and they actually don’t like their father . He has taken his own family for granted.
I am saying these things but I still don’t know what to do, he is coming back from them 2 weeks holidays soon and I don’t really want to see him.
I don’t seem to have the patience with him anymore so I don’t stay quite and always say how I feel to him, which I think he doest really care anyway.
I don’t know if I love him or not , or if I am with because of the 20 years, or because I don’t know anyone. I feel a bit trap.
He wants me to make up with his family but I find it really hard , I have tried before but always something big happens

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    Kim L

    Sara,
    You might consider referring to the resources page here and calling the domestic violence hotline. They have great information and can give you some direction on safety and what abuse is.

    Reply
JustMe

I have been married to my husband almost 5 years and we were together a few years before that. Everything seemed to be going fine till the other day he was upstairs getting ready for the day and came downstairs holding a shirt asking whos it is? I had just done the laundry the day before and he said it was hung up in the “just hung up” section of shirts. I assumed it was his so I told him it was his but he said no it wasn’t . I looked at the tag and I didnt recognize the brand being his, We have a 15 year old son who wears a similar size, which I really dont recognize it to be his either. Reguardless I have no idea where this shirt came from or whos it actually is. It is not my shirt so in all honestly I really didn’t care. However my husband refused to believe that it was my sons and insisted that i probably had some guy over. Which I have never cheated on him ever in anyway. So I tried to insure that he has no reason to doubt me and that wanted him to know I didn’t cheat on him. But he left the house with out saying anything except his accusations (he was getting ready to go somewhere in the first place, he didnt just leave me or anything). I even texted him while he was away that i havent done anything or given him any reason to question me. that i dont want him thinking i was cheating on him. And he never responded. Now this is not his first time accusing me of cheating, a few weeks before this my sons necklace was in the hallway on the floor. (We have 4 kids, the 2 oldest are from my previous relationship and my 2 youngest are with my husband). My oldest son, he is autistic and does not remember a lot of things. My husband asked him if the necklace was his and he said he didnt know he didnt think so (which same thing with th eshirt I asked my son if it was his and he didn’t know- so not much help there). So back to the necklace, then my husband gets mad and starts questioning everyone and saying he wants to know if some dude was in his house and room leaving his jewerly laying around. which i took that as a direct comment to me especially by the way he was acting annoyed with me immediately. I told him that was our sons and it had been in one of his storage containers on his shelf. but he didnt want to hear it. I asked my youngest daughter if she had gotten it and she said yes she was playing with it. SO then when I point out to my husband that i just confirmed it was our oldests he said i was never accusing anyone of anything. i was just trying to figure out what was going on and where it came from. But again the whole beginning of our relationship he was constantly accusing me of cheating on him. I also became pregnant after the first few months of us seeing each other. so throughout that pregnancy up until i had her he accused me of cheating or that wasnt his child- he is not on her birth certificate because he wanted a test. (The issues we had of him accusing me of constantly cheating towards the beginning of our relationship we had gotten past and moved forwardm even though I never cheated on him then either). However lately it seems to be an issue again and I am not sure what to do. i am tired of being accused of doing something I am not doing. and now walking around on egg shells- it seems the past few days the more and more he sees me the more aggravated he gets with me as well. I just dont know what to do. I have mentioned to him in the past that I feel he lets his insecurities get the better of him. and that I try to confort him and tell him i am not cheating but he somehow tells me that i just dont confort him or i get defensive and thats a sign to him that i shouldn’t have a reason to be defensive if i wasnt cheating. I honestly dont know what to do i just feel so shattered.

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Sam

I realize this is an old thread, but I’m at my wits end. Four years ago, I was diagnosed and started treatment for cervical cancer. My husband was dealing with some fairly crappy work stuff and didn’t understand how tired and in pain I was. He constantly was nasty to me because of having to help with our three children when he got home from work. When I started going out with friends to take my mind off of things, he started accusing me of cheating. He said a friend had told him I was though when I asked, she insists he never asked about when we go out (but he didnt say anything about it until two years later, and held this inside all that time). When I started college classes a couple years later, I had a night class and often stayed late to help my professors, or talk to classmates. He decided I was cheating, again, though I wasn’t, and never asked anyone about my whereabouts. He has used that against me ever since, but he sexts these girls he meets online or at work, and says its revenge. He has said our marriage vows were meaningless, and even spread lies about me to his friends and family (who all hate me now) and then asked me to sleep with other guys for him to watch. He has hurt me so many times, and threatened to kick me out. Then he apologizes once I finally break down and cry, because I cant hold it in anymore. I cant keep doing this. The last time was my birthday, and I recently caught him exchanging pics with yet another woman whom he told I was abusing my children and we were already divorced, all because my ex visited my older two children for christmas. He finally promised not to keep using the past against me, since its been so long I cant go back to prove I didnt do anything, but I dont know if he can keep that promise. It hurts so much, what do I do? I’m only working part time, so I haven’t any means to provide for my children alone if I leave yet.

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kelsey

Please write back someone, i’m despreate for help. ^^^^^^^^^^^^

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Kelsey

Well, for starters me and my boyfriend has been together for going on 8 months, and every single day we argue.. and I’m so tired of the crap. i’m completely stressed out, i just can’t take it anymore. He constantly accuses me of cheating, and it’s so fustranting, and he says why do i get mad if it’s not true. and i say because you accuse me everyday of the same thing. I’m really not happy anymore, I miss my old life. i can barley have friends, I can’t get on facebook, twitter and stuff like that, He brings up my past 24/7, and then he only gets madder and then we argue more and more. i’m like i can’t help it. Every where we go i have to look at the ground because he accuses me of looking at dudes, and the funny thing about this whole thing WE PRATICALLY LIVE TOGETHER! and I hate being away from my family now. Like i’m okay with staying with him for the weekend, but it’s like his family or nothing, then he gets mad when i wanna go home, when we argue because i just want away from the arguements, He calls me names like bitch, fat ass, whore, etc etc, it kills me. And he swears up and down that the only reason he does all that is because he doesn’t wanna lose me and that he loves me, I’m like you keep that up and you’re only gunna lose me not keep me, and i’m just so done, and i even tell him i wanna break up and be friends, but he just acts like he doesn’t hear it or just ignores the text if i text it to him, like today i told him i wanted to break up because even at school he accuses me of crap. and im only 15, a sophmore. and i turn 16 in 3 months so i say i’ma quit. but he graduates soon anyway. thank god. so i don’t know what to do? like do i try or what can i say to make him trust me or what should i say to break up. help

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kelsey

So me and my boyfriend has been together for going on 8 months now, and all we do is constantly argue. i can’t take it anymore. Im not happy. He accuses me of cheating EVERYDAY AND EVERYNIGHT literally . I hate it more than ever. every where i go i have to have my head down to the ground because he’ll accuse me of looking at some dude, Its so depressing. He doesn’t trust me, I have never gave him a reason not to trust me, He tells me that the reason he’s like this is because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. but it’s only getting worse. I can’t take this anymore. Please give me some advise. He always calls me names to it hurts HELP

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LeAndrea

Ive been in a relationship for about 5 months and i was texting my bf and cousin and i sent this funny video of 2 of my friends from Arkansas which is a boy and his sister. In the video the boy was shirtless but we were playing with water ballons so he took his shirt off because it was wet and he said that i was like family so he didnt like me at all like that and i didnt like him either…anyways when i sent the video he got mad because he was shirtless and i told him that i did not like him at all but i guess he didnt believe me and he told me to leave him alone so every since then i havent talked to him but then i texted him again and his brother replied and told me that he thought i was cheating. I tried telling him that i wasnt but he said that he was done, i am very confused on all of this i need help!!!

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Jasmine Elizabeth

so here’s the story..
ive been with my bf for a year already and our relationship has definitely overcome some very tough situations. we’ve always found a way to get over them because we truly love eachother. he always tells me after we argue no matter what im still here, i love you and you’re the only woman im gonna marry and have a family with. but one night he dropped me off at my house before taking his BEST friend home, i left and said bye to both of them and i swear i didnt hear anything after but the next day my bf is texting me telling me im cheating on him with his best friend because he heard him say “can i stay over”? now for the next month i spent it telling him over and over i’ve never cheated on him and never have crossed any boundaries with his best friend i respect it too much. he believed me bu he claims he has caught him staring at me or me at him. never happened, me staring at him. then fast forward to now just yesterday he asked me what i did in the morning i said i spent it with my baby nephew and took him to the park. he then asked, “by yourself”? i said yes. now at 3 in the morning he texts me saying he knowes i went to meet up with him at the park that im cheating on him etc. bullshiittt i just went to take my nnephew. and now we’re in the biggest argument rioght now i just told him im done with this drama either you quit it or i will confront him (his best friend) about everything and tell him how insane you’re getting over nothing thats happened. OR i walk away. i cant deal with his insecurities any much longer..but i love him so much he truly brings me so much joy but this is really affecting me…what should i do??…help please

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NICOLE

Yeah well I’ve been with my bf for going on 8 months and it’s almost a daily thing where he accuses me of cheating. Funny thing though I’ve NEVER given him any reason to think that I would even cheat on him, but HIM lol I’ve found him twice on a dating site and a card with a womans name on it. He ALWAYS has a way to explain everything away, but let me try to explain ANYTHING and i’m wrong wrong wrong! Now that I look at him he is trying to control what I do and when I do it. When he is around my family respects my privacy they may call but they don’t come around like normally the other day he pointed that out-oh they don’t come around when i’m there lol wtf! The other day I went out to eat with my family (a family restaurant) afterwards I told him yeah I had a good time I had the bourbon chicken which was really delicious. His FIRST comment “oh so ur drinking…I told him NO it doesn’t have bourbon in it “oh so now i’m stupid” huh…it’s named after a place in LOUISIANA..like some of the things he says just DOESN”T make sense and he doesn’t want to hear that. This morning I got up feeling REALLY REALLY good and I told him that, I was thinking of you and it made me smile. “oh ur in love with another man” WTF ANY OTHER MAN would take that comment and run with it and feel damn good, but NOT this man. He is OFF and it is something mentally wrong with him and althought I LOVE him to death a part of me is telling me I NEED TO LEAVE HIM cos he is NOT for this relationship.

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jenny G.

hi, i am also experiencing this type of problem 🙁 weve been for together for 5 months with my boyfriend but being in 5 months all he thought of me is that i cheated even if God knows i didnt. he even accussed me that i have an affair with my workmate, ex or even with my first degree cousin!this is really not true and right for i deserve to be respected for he even hurt me physically in public or private. he even call me names whore,bitch.stupid and everything that really hurts me emotionally. he even controling me every moves/steps that i take or even words that i may say. he would ask me to update him all the time /even minutes. i dont really know what to do. he even secluded me to be with my friends and family. he wanted me to be with him all the time so that he is sure that i am not doing any cheating.he even ask me to do things which i dont want to do like, to have a video/photo of a place where i’ve been /who is with me. telling me that i always not telling the truth eveytime i defended myself for he believes that he is always right. i have been manipulated most of the time but how come still he would accused me of me cheating?or even making an affair with my cousin? I REALLY DONT DESERVE THIS THING and I DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED. why is that he is like that? 🙁 i am so hurt emotionaly, physicaly and mentaly. i need advices and help.

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Timothy

Hey. I want to know, am I obsessive/possessive or am I correct to think this way? I am currently “broke up” from my gf of 2 years. We went in to college together and I had always thought that she was pretty much an “overly attached” gf. That was fine with me as she made me become like that. She has always been the “I can only be friends with guys” kind of girl and she has a habit of making small lies. She is the reason that I literally do not have anyone to call a friend. Even anyone to call a friendly acquaintance. She turned me against my best friends with her stories and now that we are broken up, she is, quote, “best friends” with the guy I was insecure about, who just so happens to be my former best friend. I often thought that she seemed to friendly about him to talk all the crap she did about him. We would be sitting on the couch and if he came inside she would get up and be excited and talk to him, even sit near him when he sat down and only offer me to sit next to her when I gave her a weird look, kind of like her afterthought. Multiple times we drank and she would isolate herself with him and tell me to go away and that they were having a private conversation. I am saying all of this for word value, nothing is exaggerated. The last night we were together, I cooked her an amazing meal and she bought me something in return. Later that night I couldn’t find her and I went upstairs and she was with him in a room with the door shut, but I think that he was confronting her about her lying. As to what lie he was confronting her about, I’m not sure. After that, I found her upstairs with him and some girl who sleeps with many guys. I do not generally like the girl friends that she makes because they normally are……….not what I would want for my gf to turn into…..is that controlling? I encourage her to be friends with people who won’t influence her to be trashy, but she only makes friends with those people? Why does she tell me he is gay and that he has told her so many disturbing things and then she becomes his best friend after she turns me against him then dumps me? She consistently tells me I am controlling and insecure, but he has been giving her rides to work when she LITERALLY lives 50 steps away from her job. He picks her up from classes. The crazy thing is, I met with her a couple times since the break up and there is obvious want to get back together from both of us. She even kissed me on the cheek and I to her. Though, she never returns my texts even if it is just one text. She claims she works every day of the week and I know she doesn’t. Is she avoiding me for bad reasons or does she just need space? Should I get a councilor? Just today I was talking to her in class and everything was good but she was very grumpy, I follow her outside and the guy is waiting to pick her up. I don’t say anything and walk the opposite direction. Was I wrong to do that or should I confront the guy? He has a history of making up stories as well though so I’m not sure I would get the truth no matter where I go. Am I overthinking this as well? After the break up, if she consistently says she wants to meet and never makes it to meet, is she attempting to play with my head or are there reasons? This has happened numerous numerous times in the past three weeks. Please help and thank you. I want to know if there are things I should work on for my next relationship or if there is anything I can do to salvage this one. I do not doubt that she loved me at one point, but she broke it off when I first told her what I thought about her being up with the guy for a whole night.

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Confused

So, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just shy of 10 years. The start of our relationship was fairly rough as we were both young and into our party stage. There was a time that I did cheat on him and though I he doesn’t admit it. I know he has cheated as well. Throughout the years he has constantly accused me of cheating. He never believes me. Always questions me. Even kicks me out of my own apartment. We will be apart for a couple days and somehow I always believe him when he apologizes and asks me to come back. Let me add that though I have been unfaithful in the past, this was years ago and I have not even thought of committing such an act. I often wonder when he thinks I have time to do these things as I am at work and when Ivan not there, I am with him. I have secluded myself from my family and friends just for the mere fact that I don’t want to deal with the 20 questions when I got home if I were to go out and have a normal life. I know this isn’t a healthy way to live a life but he is my first love and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Trying to talk to him about these situations is always one sided . Yet he complains that I do not open up to him. Everyone I have spoken to tells me how messed up the relationship is down to even his own family. I just cannot help but think that maybe some day he will see the error. In his thinking and finally believe me. I just don’t know if I can wait any longer. I am not getting any younger and I would hate to spend my life knowing that I never got a chance to be with someone that I felt truly loved and trusted me. I am at a loss. Please help.

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helpless

I have never cheated my wife, she is always looking for reason to accuse me. When I was working with her she accused me of looking at other women which I am not I quit that job. when I go out in public places as soon I see some women coming I change my direction. now I am taking computer classes she is accusing me every single day that I am chatting with other woman which I had never did. we been married for 6 years and I have never ever cheated her physically or mentally . All I am trying to do is earn money and give her good life. every day she accuses me and I cannot concentrate on my studies. what to do?

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Melissa

I’ve been with my fiancée for 20 months now and in the beginning it was awesome after being engaged and being together for over a yr I found out that he lied to me . He apparently was still married not living with his spouse but still legally married. Which he should have just been honest and I would have understood but lying was damaging. During the duration he just decides to leave me several times. Since then I found a social network site he had been on while being with me. He said he was on before me so I just let it go then I found a phone that he had and I had no clue about. He apparently got it when he left me then he came back and still had it. There has been damaged done to our relationship that I have decided to forgive and move on and for the last five – six months it’s been crazy. He constantly is accusing me of cheating when in fact I have not done that nor did I ever plan to. He has gone to the extreme to say that when he works nights that I have had someone in the bed with me while I’m on the phone with him and that my children cover for me.. As if I have no respect for myself, our relationship and my children. He has even left a job early just to show up to see if he can catch me cheating and no one was with me but he still believed someone was in the house so he looked under the bed, in the closet , in the bathroom and in the shower.. We can’t go out anywhere he believes I’m looking for someone and that I’m suppose be meeting someone there.. I can’t look any direction because he says I looking at guys and being disrespectful to him and that he feels I am making a fool of him which is all untrue….. Last night we went to the fair and it was miserable and he started with his accusations and I just let him get his things and leave. I can’t continue to hold on to what we use to have and think we are going to get it back with that behavior. It just makes me sad that it has to be that way because I really love him but not his behavior and the way he has treated me and how he has made me feel. He keeps telling me he wants things like they were in the beginning well it’s hard to be loving with someone that keeps beating u over crap.. He says I don’t show him love. Holy cow how can I when I’m having to defend myself all the time… How do I move on from this

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dav

I asked my wife if she was cheating on a gut feeling and several odd events past. She quite simply and immediately responded no…. I then asked if she would tell Mr if she had and she didn’t respond. At which I said that’s what I figured. And got no response. The conversation was ended. Is this a normal response when asked something this serious?

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anonymous

My husband accuses me everyday, we loose sleep over it. I have done everything in my power to assure him that I am not. I have my kids if Im not at work, I video chat with him whenever he wants throughout the day. He shows up to my job without telling me, he shows up to the house whenever. He has this crazy idea that I am and he records me, checks my phone history, spending history and internet history. I am pregnant with his 3rd child and denied it for a while. I have felt so low and so alone, I do not want to talk to anyone about this. How embarrassing that my own husband does not trust me. He cheated on me and I trust him no matter what because I am sure of myself. I know what I am worth, well atleast I thought I did. But I see myself tolerating this and its not fair. He scares me sometimes to the point where I have stomach aches when he approaches me because I dont know what he will accuse me of next. I know he loves me and tells me he needs help but I need to help myself as well. I dont want to walk out on him but I dont want him to do something stupid because he doesnt believe me one day. I tell him where I am at constantly I have no need to lie but its never enough, he checks the windows in the house and around the yard for foot prints and its kind of psycho to me.

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ryan

I have never been a person who cheats in a relationship. Never. I have been cheated on. My girlfriend has openly admitted to me that she has cheated in the past but never on me. She has told me she has cheated because she was being cheated on. She doesnt have very much trust for me either. Facebook! I used to talk to a lot of women on facebook when her and I first got together. Mostly women from out of state. I no longer have facebook. She does and I gave her my password and let her change the password because I have her and could care less for that damn thing. I dont like feeling this way. It’s painful and exhausting. What should I do???

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Greggory

My fiance of three years acts very condescending to me, tries to tickle me in a very hurtful manner, and when I tell her to stop, she continues, and harder. She claims she is only playing. The same when she takes my phone. She locks herself in a room and goes through my messages, my work emails, my Facebook , everything she can find, and grills me so hard and demands to know if I’m cheating, even when there’s no evidence. She feels my family hates her because of what I tell them, and I constantly defend her, but these are things they see from her directly. She works few hours with a temp agency, and I work crazy hours with a private security company, and the Army Reserves, so I have time with her and her son, but no time for anything else.Things are fine most days when she’s not being a heinous bitch. We cuddle play video games, and cook together, and even find a little time to go out. I’m lost though. What can I do?

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    Kim L

    Greggory,
    Ask her to go to some counseling together with you. If you are serious about getting married, go get your relationship strong and healthy first. There is no shame in counseling before a marriage; in fact, it is a smart move.

    Reply
Kay

In May, myself and my boyfriend took a break in our relationship which lasted for 1.5 months. He and I got back together, but he still holds things against me that I simply don’t understand. I am not and have never been the type to cheat, because some of my exes have cheated on me and I know how bad it makes a person feel. Because I went for a drive with a “friend” of mine (I thought he was anyways) after we had started the break my boyfriend insists I cheated on him in doing that. Later on, this “friend” went on to take manipulate and advantage of me sexually and I haven’t talked to him since. During our break, which I started because I was absolutely sure my boyfriend was miserable with me (he often said so), I was miserable. I missed him every day and I fell into a cycle of alcoholism wherein all I would do is work, sleep, and drink until I blacked out. Upon two different occasions my blackout state was taken advantage of by two different guys: one of my friend’s older brothers, and one of my boyfriend’s “friends”. My boyfriend, while we were apart, also hooked up with this girl a few times. I understand we weren’t together, but it still hurts because he chose to do that. I do my best not to hold it against him or bring it up unnecessarily. However, he continuously insists I’m cheating on him because he insists I’m still responsible for all that happened to me. We Skype every day (I’m away at university) and when we’re not on Skype we’re on the phone, texting, or sleeping. Whenever I go out anywhere, to the grocery store or even the rare occasion I go out with friends (I don’t have many yet), he’s always paranoid that I’m out with another guy even though I never am. Whenever I can’t hop on Skype straight away for whatever reason he says it’s because I have to rush to get back to my room from cheating on him or I’m telling another guy to leave. I do whatever I can to prove my innocence. He knows my Facebook password along with numerous others and I have no problem showing him my phone or anything because I have nothing to hide. Despite this, he says I’m probably just deleting the messages. I have deleted messages before with guys flirting with me because I didn’t want to start unnecessary conflict between him and these guys. I still told him about what was said to me and since I’ve figured out the deleting has bothered him I haven’t done it since. He has gone to councilling before and it helped briefly but he has stopped going. I get so frustrated with the accusations sometimes I just don’t know what to do. He says he has difficulty being with me after “what I did to him”. I want him to understand that throughout everything I still loved him and missed him and wanted to come back but I thought he would be better off if I didn’t. I tell him all this, but he never listens and calls it “bullshit” insisting that it’s too far-fetched and I just wanted to leave and “have fun” for a while. As you can imagine, this makes me feel like utter garbage about myself, as if somehow I’m to blame for what happened. I know I still love him with all my being, and he has been accusing me less and less but I also get the feeling he’s bottling it up because he knows how much it upsets me.

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    Timothy

    You chose to sleep with those guys. It takes two to tango. Unless it is a brutal rape then it is given with consent. Three times compared to the one time you know your bf did, I believe that the relationship is over. You both have reason to not believe each other and good ones too. It is too far gone once a sexual act was committed on either side.

    Reply
boo689

hi, my partner and i were together for 10 years tomorrow.. but hes accusing me of having an affair with an invisible guy at work.. this started happening when he came to my house and i hug her tight and he felt my breast.. he told me that my breast are too soft and he felt that there’s something wrong.. after that he told me that my lips are swelling and kept accusing me that theres a kiss mark.. were obviously there’s none.. the next day he broke up with me in a text saying that hes not at ease with me anymore.. and asking who’s the guy and where it happen.. im so hurt and explain to him that i cant do that and i know myself.. i even swore to the name of God that i didnt do anything to ruin our relationship.. and a lot more to tell here, but to make it short he keep on insisting that my body changed my lips my breast and skin became zag.. he really think that iam having an affair and cheated on him when its really not.. pls help i dont know what to do.. and the only thing i did maybe to made him think that im doing something because in august i always went to work early and i left late like after 1 hours after my shift, for the reason that i got an ultimatum from my boss about our stats and score that we need to reach.. he even started to pick me up at work for the past 2 weeks and saying that hes just making up with me.. bu clearly its not coz he still accusing me of something everyday.. im so hurt coz what i just did is plain work.. i am faithfull to him and i really love him and want to be with him forever but he wont believe me… 🙁

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steph

Im being accused off cheating along with loads of other things. With people i don’t even know. Its heartbreaking to think your partrner believes youv done all this. Slag this slag that. Near enough everyday. Hes made up in his mind what he wants to believe. Like making out iv had messages in y fone and had numbers iv not. He even told people i slept with someone eles in the same room as him. After helping drug him. Dragging my whole family and friends into this saying that they wer all in onit. I know i shouldn’t feel bad the fact i had to tell him to choose me or his cannibis. And to top it all off. I recently found out hes signed his self up on dating sites. I even moved away with him away from the town we lived in. Im starting to feel like im giving up on us. I love him so much. Iv even told him Il do a lie detector if i have to, i just don’t think that will make a difference.

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    anonymous123

    I have also told my husband I would do a lie detector test but dont believe it will make a difference. They have their mind made up and they will just look for an excuse to why we passed it. My husband constantly accuses me and Im either at work or home, same schedule everyday, I even stopped going out with friends and stopped going to school. I am tired of putting my life on hold. Truth is they need help that we cant give them. I say what good will a lie detector test if the whole point is for him to trust me and take my word, taking a lie detector just proves that they dont and its quit embarrassing to me to have to do that to prove to my husband of 8 years that I am not.

    Reply
Chelsea

My Boyfriends friends told him that I slept with a different friend in front of them. This didn’t happen but he does not understand why his friends would say that if it wasn’t true. We have moved passed this several times but he says its always on the back of his head and he just wants the truth. I have tried so many times to get him to believe me and I don’t know what to do. Now more and more of his friends are starting to say it is true as well.. Any advice?

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Roland

I am going to make myine as brief as possible and I am hoping I get advices that would help me make a wise decision.

Two weeks ago my wife threw all of my stuff and me out of the house in the middle of the night, accusing me of cheating with a collegue at work, I knew I had nothing to do with this lady at work, so I picked my stuff and moved to the hotel, the bills became a source of concern for me, so I rented a comfortable 1 bedroom apartment.

Four days later after investigation and confrontation, she and her sisters confirmed I had absolutely nothing to do with this lady at work, now she is pleading and begging me to come back to the house, bare in mind I pay the mortgage and she earns twice of what I earn as a caregiver, yet I am responsible for most of the bills.

We have 2 kids, I detest calling them my step kids because I love both of them passionately, I have none of mine at this time, she has tried to commit suicide and also has tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because she thinks I am cheating and at the end she finds out they are all false.

Should I go back? Or stay separated?

Reply
    Kim L

    Roland,
    What if a condition of your return was that you and your wife have to do couples’ therapy regularly (as in weekly or bi-weekly) for at least 3 months before you decide if you are moving back in?

    Reply
Cassandra

Hi! I would appreciate some help. I have a husband that decided lately that I am cheating on him. It has been super uncomfortable lately in our household since I knew he had these feelings for a long time now. I have been trying to be very open with communication, but he still thinks I am. He believes I am doing this with two of my guy friends who I have classes with Monday through Thursday from 5-9. I have tried explaining to him that I a grouped with one of these guys in classes because we are working on the same grade level (going to college to be a teacher). He has lately decided to go his father to discuss this. His parents have already told me that they don’t like me, and now they avoid me like the plague although I am the one that helped them paint their whole house! I love my husband dearly and I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t take this pain either.

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kelli

My boyfriend of 2 years / and father to be of our baby…. has never accused me of cheating before but since I have been pregnant he has accused me several times and tells me to just admit it and he always says he knows more than I think… I have not. Cheated on him ever! He has talked to other woman since we have been together but I have forgave him I don’t think he is doing it now… I could be wrong but I love him and want this to work out and need to know what I can do to prove to him I’m innocent! He has even said he don’t think this baby is his…. but then the next day after the fight he acts like nothing is wrong and he loves me again I don’t know what to think or even do for the matter

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Reba

Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months now, and he is constantly asking if I am with other guys or sleeping with other guys. He has been cheated on in the past, which is the reason I believe for him to be this way. I have never cheated on him or any of my previous boyfriends. He works while I am in college, and has never dated a college girl. He’s convinced that when I say I’m going to study it means something else. I have laid out my schedule for him and even try to talk to him as much as possible throughout the day. I’m at a loss for what I should do now. I have tried talking to him about it and he just plays the “I’m a bad boyfriend” card. It’s starting to take a toll on me.

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Noma

I need advice please ! I have been dating this wonderful guy who really takes care of me and my son. I earn more than him and have acquired a lot of things than him. I have nothing but love and respect for him. He accused me of cheating with my ex and this friend from work as I have planned a trip by myself without him. I have been going through a lot the past two months and just needed a break from everything as I just felt like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. He went through my phone and saw message that I have sent to this guy friend to fetch me from the airport. He also saw a message I sent to my ex(father of my son) to organise me car parts at discounted prices as he works for a dealership. I love him so much and have even accepted his proposal. from a men’s perspective I realise that my actions do seem rather suspicious but I am truly not cheating on him. He also has a painful history where he caught his ex red-handed with another man. He has always been very insecure and now I have given him reason to believe that I am cheating and I am not. I don’t want to lose him. Help please

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chelsea

Hi the information has been helpful but my issue is with my fiance of 3 years and the father to my child. He went through my phone the other day and found a message from a friend that I went to high school with. Which I did not respond to. It was weird and very random but I left it alone. I didn’t delete or try to hide bc I did not feel I was doin or had done anything wrong. Well he found the message and said I had to be cheating that it had probably come up in conversation before with my friend and I . I told him he could call my friend, go to his house, and that I would delete his number…lose all contact. Anything for him to believe me. I love my fiance but this is not the first time he has acussed me of cheating. He had past relationships where girls cheated on him. Do u have any advice on how I can maybe help him be more secure or trustin with me???

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Lauren

hi! I’m 23 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. my boyfriend has the most amazing characteristics, hes great with kids, hes sooo caring and thoughful, opens my car door for me, protects me, adores me, takes care of mee, is sensitive and affectionate, all things that i would eventually want in a husband excepttttt for this HUGE issue.. his jealousy/suspicion/accusations/insecurities (all wrapped in one). He accuses me of cheating nonstop. We dont do too many things because (even if he doesnt come out and say it) he doesnt want anyonee checking me out, seeing anyone I might know (guys), or any guys that might be around that he would think i might be attracted to. He even gets pissed if I even talk about anything about my past, nothing to do with past relationships. If i mention I went to a concert, he gets mad and quiet because apparently he makes some connection in his head that it was something that I did with another guy. I cant get through a week, or even a few days at work because since I’m a medical assistant, he’s completely against of what my job consists of. I’m “not allowed” to take blood pressure because I’ll be “touching guys”, and will be in an exam room alone with them. He has NOT ONE REASON to suspect that I am cheating. I am suchhhh faithful girlfriend and would do anything for him and try to comfort him when he feels insecure, but he just insists that I’m a liar, flirt, unfaithful. His version of flirting is the mere association with anything male, when he can be so social and have a great personality with other people, but I cant. I do not flirt. It is the most frustrating, discouraging, upsetting, and insulting thing I have ever experienced. It makes me so unhappy because I feel as if I do sooo much to try and make him happy and nothing is appreciated because he is blinded too much by this image he paints of me in his head. I am soo worried of when his next temper tantrum or mood swing is going to happen because then hes mad for dayssss and is very nasty and even though he says hes not spiteful, he becomes spiteful. He even gets jealous because I have a brother that is 3 years younger than me and he compares how I treat my brother and how I treat him. My boyfriend claims that he is not a priority to me and gets snappy and says that its like im “im dating my brother”. thats ridiculous and disgusting!!! i barely even seeee my brther at home because we both have long work hours. It blows my mind how so much could be twisted around in his mind. My intentions are doubted, my love is misread, and I’m losing it. Sundays have always been family days and since we started going out, I’ve been with my family less and less. If we go out to dinner, hes gets mad that all I care about is going out. I havent gone out with my friends for almost two years being with him !! the only going out (only out to eat) is with him and whne I ask him! When things are good between us, they are great! but when he gets on a roll, he gets too wrapped up with the thoughts in his mind, which he had admitted most of the time he knows he obsesses about the bad, made up thoughts he puts in his head, but just him admitting it isnt enough to make me happy. I’m soooo brought down by all of this and feel like it will never change, and the image he makes in his head of me when he gets into these obsessive mindset, will never permenantly change. I know he loves me with all his heart, thats why hes coveting me and trying to make me all to himself, but this is no way to live. I feel like I cant even be myself most times because I’m constantly watching myself to make sure I dont do anything or say anything to piss him off, or he might take the wrong wayyy.. I want to know that they love me for me and for my flaws and know me for my great characteristics, not judged for things i dont even do. I know this is a long post, its just so much that I dont talk to too many people about because its embarrassing and I dont want my relationship to be judged by my family with hopes that things will change, but as much as I loveeee him, I know deep down that things wont change for good. Hes such a great person and know that he wants to be there for me and take care of me, but his lack of support with my job and accusation come from his debilitating mental state he gets in which he knows that he falls into and hates that he thinks this way, but its too much 🙁

Reply
    Kim L

    Lauren,
    It sound like you (and your boyfriend) are confusing obsession with love. People who are obsessed and/or controlling look like they are loving – they do nice things, they seem to watch out for you, they hover, they want you to always and only be with them. However, as you said, “this is no way to live”. The “caring” behaviors become controlling behaviors, sometimes direct (like telling you what you can or can’t do) other times indirect (like fuming for days and nit-picking at you when you do something they don’t like.) John Moore, author of Confusing Love With Obsession, talked about restrictive behaviors in the following way “For example: Refusing to or making it very uncomfortable to communicate with life-long friends and/or family members. The goal of the obsessed person is to make all of the attention that you give to be directed toward her or him.” Sounds like your boyfriend fits the bill for obsessive, and unless he gets some serious help you need to keep yourself safe. Obsessive and controlling are abusive only a step away from physically abusive.

    Reply
      Lauren

      thank you so much for listening and giving great feedback kim! it means a lot!

      Reply
    sydney

    I have had similar issues no idea what to do i feel bad every time i hang out with my friends becausevhe makes me feel bad im also 23 i only have a few female friends and my guy friends are all suspect. I cant say i know what to do but you arent alone i dont know whst to say to my friends either im embarrassed. So least i can say is your not alone. Its not easy. I do however stand up for myself tell him how his actions make me feel.

    Reply
Liana Hendricks

I need some advise. last night i came home and my husband apparently found a male undergarment on our washing line, which he hung up the previous evening and when we got home it was no longer on the line. it only myself, husband and my father in-law living in the house. he says he rummaged through everything and couldnt find it so automatically it was me. My father in-law did not see it and i had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. we have been married for 6 years and i’ve always been a loyal, faithful wife and i believe have given my husband no reason to doubt me at all. We had some words last night and i am left feeling really broken. i have no explanation for the mysterious undergarment. i have pleaded my case but he is adamant that it was there and now gone. i dont know what to say or do. I adore this man and have loved him for most of my life. many years ago, a year before we got married but we’ve been engaged for a year at that point, he was unfaithful and at the time i remember he accused me of being unfaithful and i always felt it was so he could take the attention off his deeds. There is a child which he has no contact with but we only found out about her when we were married for 3 years(just for some history) it was a tough time and in some way we still dealing with those issues, but i forgave him and moved on. Now this and i dpnt know how to handle this. i have an empty feeling in my tummy, because i have not done what he is accusing me of. please help me.

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kevin m

I also left out how she constantly spies on me its creepy bad if I have a phone call she wants to hear all of the conversation .also she admitted to me 2 months after were together for the second time she as slept with that coworker I feel as if she put me second to another guy before I even cheated on her cuz I was being accused even before I actually was.but even through all that pain I managed to fully trust her within weeks and I work nights I dont look at her phone or call her more than once a night and I never doubt her how come she can’t let go when I can its a double standard I don’t know if its just unfixable and I gotta divorce her to spare me a stroke or heart attack at 40.I feel as if she is sick and needs help cuz I can’t take another year of this and I’m tired of her treating me like her slave

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kevin m

Me and my wife have been married for 7 years.a year into the marriage she cheated on me.we seperated and I slept with another woman and apparently that’s cheating I disagree we where seperated..then we got back together and I was starting to abuse drugs as I wasn’t coping with what she had done to me so I started drugs to mask my pain then I quit but I started having thoughts about maybe I made a mistake by running back so I went online and tried to date other woman she caught me multiple times I left her but ended up wanting her but she did not want me and she held our son over my head she even filed a bullcrap protective order with huge lies she tried contacting me a day after it was filed I called the cops 3 times to get her to obey her fake order I suspected she was cheating with coworkers as they would text eachother for hours a day before she caught me online and she told me she was dating a guy from work . Surprise surprise she claimed nothing happened but I knew better do I lied said I was sleeping around to draw her out and make her admit it but she denied it so I told her I never did cheat I just wanted the truth so we ended up back together but I had hurt my back and I started abusing pain meds to mask my pain.thd whole time we where seperated so I got help for my addiction we where only together for 2 months when she found an old profile from our seperation online unfortunatley for me I just hid my profile I dident delete it she found it and now all I hear is how I’m a cheating liar druggy whem not doing drugs or cheating its been a year I love my wife and family but anytime I’m with my freinds she calls every 15 minutes if I don’t answer its nothing but crying and more phone calls she says I don’t love her I have told her over and over that I lov ed her only hdr always will I spend almost all my time with her but if I hang out with friends and theres a girl there then I’m sleeping with her and I cannot covince her otherwise she cries atleast once a day no joke and I’m tired of having a guilty conscious because I’m so used to hearing how I’m a liar now I do tell white lies like if there was a hot girl with my freinds I say that she was old 500 lbs and wow that’s gross me and her never so she will trust that I did nothing but I’m tired of having to tell lies so she won’t f eel insecure I need more than advice I need therapy with her.I’m afraid ill relapse if I don’t stress is killing me I feel like I’m having anxiety attacks and try being a addict and getting help for anxiety I’d love it if my wife would stop being so possesive I really wanna grow old with her and have more babies but she’s been through the ringer as we have lost 2 babies during pregnancy I just want what we had for the first year of marriage just a deep love and happiness that I miss so much I just want the pain for both of us to stop but it seems latley she is addicted to confrontation she lets my son get away with too much and thinks I’m too hard on my son cause when he ask for somthing and I say no he has a tantrum so I take his toys and put him in time out without merci but she gives in 90 percent of the time he comes and sleeps in our bed and I can’t do that anymore and I’m a nazi for it but I just want the best for us and my son but I can’t get her onboard please help me.

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    Kim L

    Kevin,
    You are right, you both need therapy; a good couples’ therapist. You are also right that this sort of stress can trigger relapse. If you can’t see an addictions therapist (and even if you are) get into AA or NA and get a sponsor. Do it yesterday; you need to support and guidance. Get your wife into Al-Anon. Also read Pia Mellody’s books and see what fits and start using the skills discussed there. But you hit the nail on the head, get some professional help.

    Reply
ashley

Ive never cheated on my husband. I get sick and tired of having to explain myself everyday. I cry and get really ticked off because it hurts. We get into arguments because he just wants to catch me in the act when he cant. I love him and all hes doing is tearing this marriage apart. Ive done all i could to prove it to him. Ive changed my number, dont go out unless he is eith me. Idk what else there is to do. Its so exhausting and i dont want us to divorce i just want him to quit being possessive and controlling or hes going to lose me. I cant take it anymore

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    Kim L

    Get in to see a really good couples’ counselor. A good resource for great couples’ counselors is Terry Real’s page.

    Reply
Dre

Hello,I’m in a 4 year relationship. I am accused of cheating all the time my girlfriend Texas me vs me out all the time but I am NOT cheating I live by myself with my daughter but her ex boyfriend still stays in the basement of her house the other day it took her 2 hours to come to my house after she said I’m on my way but when I rode to the house they both were outside after I told her I was out front when I call her did she start a argument now she slipped it to where I am cheating what does this sound like to you can someone help me

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    Kim L

    Dre,
    Why is her ex living in her basement if you folks have been together for 4 years? Could she be accusing you in order to cover up her own straying? It sounds a lot like gaslighting. Be careful, keep yourself healthy.

    Reply
Stephanie

Hello,
I am just looking for some insight on whether I am going nuts or not. My boyfriend and I have only been together since Feb of this year. I am pregnant with his child 23 weeks. He has accused me multiple times of cheating on him. He has recorded me while I have been at home and he has been at work he says that he heard things going on etc etc. And NOBODY but myself and the dogs were in the house he said he heard what he heard. Won’t let me hear the recordings etc. He says there are stains on the bed which there are not so i have no clue what he is talking about. Now he said i screwed this up we could of had a great life together but he will be there for the baby but I can do whatever I want. I just don’t understand why someone would go to the extent of recording me and won’t even let me hear it… I am pregnant and I find that dicusting that he would think I am with other men when I am carrying his child.
He text me today from work said. All this stress isn’t good for you, me and the baby but I know you will be much happier without me even though you don’t think so. Trust is gone and I don’t do second chances.
He is seperated and it makes me wonder about his past marriage as he said “she cheated on him etc and had all sorts of people around their home”. hmmm
I have never done anything but support him he had no job I helped him he has a job now my parents have helped him out with money getting things in order etc. I am just confused. My family seems to think he has a mental illness and need help. My sisster said he will come back to me after he realizes what he has done.
I just wanted someone else’s opinion.

Thanks,

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    Kim L

    Recording someone without their permission is often illegal. It is definitely a breach of trust and one sign that a relationship has the potential to become abusive. It is indicative of a controlling partner, one who will do even more. The fact that he won’t let you hear the recordings make me suspect attempts at gaslighting.
    He may be overly reactive if his ex actually did cheat, and it may be really helpful for him to talk to a counselor about these fears and his past. If he has a mental health issue it could be the best thing for him. Even if he’s unwilling to do so, you make sure you have support through all of this including some professional help. That way you can have a counselor who can help you tease out what is really happening.

    Reply
Jodie

I Accuse my boyfirned nearly everyday of cheating or that he is going to cheat. I have dreams thats he don’t want to be with me anymore and i will try everything and anything to get him back, I dream That this one girl is always there and it drives me crazy that shes there talking to my boyfriend ( he really like her in the past ) we are both 20 years old been together for Five Years Im his First Girlfriend and first sexual partner. He Never go outs but when he does i get so Annoyed and he can see that and we end up having arguments, when he does go out he tells me hes going there and the next morning its like a puzzle little things come out that after they went there they went to a house party or he walked hes friends girlfriend home or he does something thats not like him, when hes with hes friends he talks about girls like objects, hes friends have no girlfriends their out all the time having sex with lots of different girls., I make stupid comments everyday to him and i cant help it! ii really love him and dont want to lose him but i feel like im really pushing him away, i feel because hes never had another partner he will cheat on me in a quick stupid choice or he breaks it with me to see other girls, im really stuck dont know what to do its killing me!

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    Kim L

    Jodie,
    Sounds like you have two problems- one is your insecurities. You dream he’s cheating and worry that he’ll cheat because he’s been with no one else. So you accuse him of cheating out of your fears which does push him away.
    However, the other problem is the ways your bf is acting. He’s not truthful with you about what he’s doing, and he lets the truth trickle out. He’s hanging with guys who don’t respect relationships or girls (from your description).
    It is time to talk (not yell or whine) about your concerns and what you you would like in the relationship. Talk about trustworthy behaviors and about your insecurities. Tell him you are willing to work on your stuff if he’s willing to be a bit more mature in the relationship. And do the work!

    Reply
.

Me n my bf r dating from 5months he always stops me from talking 2 guys… may tyms he has caught me talking 2 guys n has fought wit ne for stupid reasons…. he’s over possessive. … always has a problem wit things I do…. itz really annoying some times I feel like ending our relationship. … m tired of his torture everyday he fights for stupid reasons….. I want a gud n healthy relation many a times I tried explain my self but always has been shut me down… I really love him n cant let him go….. plz help me out plzzz. ……. itz been a month I havnt spoke 2 any guy but still he doesnt trust me…..what to do?

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Ana L

I have been with my husband for 21 years.. of those 11 we have been married. We have four beautiful sons. He has accused me of being unfaithful for pretty much the entire 21 years. He says things like I am sleeping with people at work during work! He thinks that if I talk to a man somehow I am thinking about him sexually and want to sleep with him. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED on him the entire 21 years. Mind you we met when we were teenagers. However he CHEATED several times, but he says that since he told me and that we weren’t married it doesn’t matter. LOL!! But why accuse me EVERY SINGLE DAY.. he makes some snide remark. Just recently he started asking me a ton of questions about my sanitary napkins and why did I switch at work, and why do I have so many at work..UH?? Weird uh? He has even accused me of sleeping with my girlfriends. So because of that I hardly ever go out with my friends, all I do is go to work and come home. I actually considered even quitting my job so he could stop the accusations WHAT DO I DO!! I separated from him once but took him back because I didn’t want my boys without a father, and he was getting better. But that soon changed as soon as he moved back. I am tired of being accused of something I have never done… I know he is very insecure with low self esteem, he comes from a background that his mother cheated on his father, his sister cheated on her man with a woman, and his married sister cheated on her husband.. AM I being punished for the other women in his life and his own insecurities! What do you think??

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gus

Been dating this girl for a few months now.
She saw a facebook msg i wrote to a friend who happens to be
A good friend iv known for years whos a girl.. She goes crazy accusing me of
Wanting to b with her blah blah.
I feel its so unfair and totally fuked cause i kbow for a fact
Tht while we hav been dating she slept with a guy iv forgiven her for it
But feels lik she doesnt trust me and just hopless.
Can i do anything to make her see she has nothing to worry abot?
0r should i call i quits

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    Kim L

    Gus,
    If she cheated on you, it is no wonder she thinks you’ll cheat on her. We tend to think others will react and do what we do/did.
    If she’ll discuss this post with you and see what is going on in herself, in your behaviors, or in your pasts that might be making her think you are unfaithful… and if you both are willing to work on those things together, then give it a whirl. If not, well, then you’ll be in the dog house repeatedly over your time together.

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Adri

I’m 5 months pregnant, and recently my fiancé began saying he didn’t trust me. For absolutely no reason! I had recently face booked a lifetime guy friend whom he is also friends with regarding some joke. Then a waiter that we mutually know Facebook randomly inboxes me about some issue, I showed my fiancé and all of a sudden now I can’t be trusted and I feel like a piece of garbage he’s dying to throw away. I’m huge fat ugly cow right now and what I need the most right now is acknowledgment that I’m pregnant, and I want to be treated like I’m pregnant. Instead, I’m being treated like a cheater.

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    Kim L

    Ask him what’s going on with him that he’s feeling so insecure. He may be feeling a bit left out because you are pregnant, and that’s something he can only share in from afar. Some men feel pregnancy as distancing.

    By the way, no matter what you feel, you aren’t a “huge fat ugly cow” you are wonderfully pregnant and full of additional life. You couldn’t be a tiny stick and nurture such a wonderful thing. This is the body’s way of supporting and growing your child.

    Reply
Shelley

Please help!!! I have been with my boyfriend almost a year he is extremely insecure and asks me everyday if I love him and why am I with him early on in our relationship I made him go to the doctors and he is on anti depressants and is receiving counselling. I haven’t cheated on him and I never ever would I’ve gave up my home and moved in with him but he is still insecure he says when I go out without him I’m flirting with other blokes he called me last week saying I was at a pub flirting with men when I wasn’t even there! And he drops me off at work and thinks my boss is only there to see me and he basically doesn’t trust me 🙁

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    Kim L

    See if you can go with him to his counselor and get some assistance.

    Reply
LostSoul

So when my fiance and I first met, I was sort of involved with someone else, and then I broke it off with my ex because I realized he was no good for me. My fiance and I finally started to see each other on a daily base and then ended up falling in love, I moved in with him and now we have been together for 3 yeas, engaged! I love him so I accepted him for what it is because he also has two daughters by two diff mothers. One of the mothers passed away in a motor cycle accident last year so I have been there for his oldest daughter 100% just so she has some form of a mother figure in her life… the youngest daughter is with us most of the times too so not only have I dedicated my life with him, but his daughters, I gained relationship, love and times together. But ever since we got together officially, he always accused me of cheating. If I happen to miss his call because I was in the bathroom or something or as stupid as I didn’t hear my phone ring, automatically, he would start to question me and say things about me cheating! I don’t get it, I live with the guy, I sleep with the guy and I became a step mom by heart for his daughters and till this day he doesn’t realize that I have no interest in any other man! Trust me, this relationship is a lot for me, full time so called wife to be and a step mom, if this is not what I wanted, I wouldn’t have wasted my time with him but he doesn’t seem to understand that… I cant hang out with my friends, or just go have simple dinner or drinks with them because he doesn’t trust me and doesn’t like me going out at all! If I go to the mall or leave out in the morning for work, he’s always asking me who said what to me and if any guy tried to get my number or whatever it is that will consist of some guy that is still invisible! He is always accusing me and it is getting frustrating because I never cheated on him and never will… I don’t know what to do and my very own best friend ( he doesn’t like her) tells me it is not healthy if I have to lie to him just to go hang out with her! She is concerned about me and has been for a long time but now I am starting to get concerned about it too because it will not last if he continues to act this way….. What should I do??? Should I stay or go? Please help… I really need help! I am in love with a man who has no trust in me what so ever!!!!

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Anthony

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year now and I truly love her deeply and she feels the same about me, but recently her own sister told her a lie that I cheated on my girlfriend with one of my close friends. Even though my gf trusts me now that I really didn’t her sister has already told everybody in her family (parents, relatives and her boyfriend) that I cheated but reallyI didn’t. The problem is she thinks I treat my gf like shit because I get “mad” alot but really it’s her and her boyfriend that are complete ass holes to us they make us go through hell every time I wanna be with my girlfriend. I really love her I’d do anything just to make her happy but I’m not even allowed to talk to her with this lie that I cheated still going around. How can I get back together with her? How can I get her parents to understand its not me?

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    Kim L

    Anthony,
    I’m not clear. You say your gf trusts you didn’t do it, but you are asking “How can I get back together with her.” If your gf does trust you and is still with you, it is up to you and her to show a united, healthy and happy relationship to the family – that will convince them. Besides, if your relationship is truly good and the sister’s is bad, then the family will see that. Talk seriously with your gf about it, and about how to handle the sister. If you are treating your gf poorly, then get some healthy skills and make that relationship better!

    Reply
Staice

My boyfriend of 2 years and i just took a small split, we have lived together for over a year and we were starting to fight alot and needed to get some space and just start over.. He knows he has some anger issues but refuses to talk to anyone about it because he is embarrased by it. He recently went off from a txt message that someone sent him telling him that i had danced with someone at a bar while i was out with some friends.. It was very innocent and nothing for him to worry about. I have a very outgoing personality and am not shy by any means.. i love to go out and have a good time but everyone knows im with him and i go home to him. I have not cheated on him but he feels like since this has come out that i have been keeping secrets about everytime i went out with friends.. he is not a social person.. only wants us to hang out with his friends and will not hang out with mine. I have done my best to prove to him that i did not cheat on him and have not.. i havent even “acted single” over these few weeks that we have been split. He now insists that if we are goig to work it out he does not trust me to talk to friends, or go anywhere with friends.. that its just me and him and no one else.. i feel like im getting in to a controlling situation and this is not my personality at all to be closed in like this.. i am afraid i am going to be miserable and its just going to ruin me.. i love him with everything in me but i dont know if i should give up my life for one with him.. i need help i am scared of his anger and im scared of losing myself as well. Please help me. I have a Major in Psychology but never did i think that i would be asking for assistance. I am worried for my safety not only because of him but if i can handle losing my self for him..

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sam

My Gf accused me of cheating saying she has seen me alot of times in her dreams with someone else. She strongly believe it true and tells me she won’t take no compromise ,the day she will catch me cheating, then that’s it. How do I handle this??

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    Kim L

    Probably with the help of a counselor. You won’t convince her, but maybe a professional can help her see the unreality of her belief.

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EC

I have been with my fiance for about 9yrs. More recent he has been accusing me of cheating or talk to other guys! I have done somethings that would make him think this but I have never slept with anyone else. He is my first! Most of the time when I go out he thinks I’m meeting up with someone. Just recently I went to the movies with my sister and he thinks something is going on. I went out of town Saturday night with my aunts and sisters and he still thinks something is going. We have a 3 yr old together and I so very much would love our family stay together but I’m finding myself thinking of living him. I have reinsured him over and over that he is my one and only but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I have recently stopped drinking because my bad actions happen when I was drunk. So to show him that I’m sorry I have stopped drinking and no matter what I do to have him forgive me or to get it out of his head that I’m stepping out on him I’m getting falsely accused please help me save my family I would want nothing more but for us to stay together

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    Kim L

    EC,
    If you have done things that would make him think this, then time and consistently trustworthy behavior are the only things that will start to heal it. You may consider a professional to help you personally get and stay healthy especially since you just gave up drinking.

    Reply
m.mendez

I would like to work with you. I am very distraught offended and hurt. My bf accused me Of cheating and I am not and have never. When he gv me the details Of what he thinks I did all I could do was cry cry and I threw up..I dodnt say a word I just left I was disgusted. This was thurs, Saturday was his bday I did buy him a card and I wrote him a letter and told him I was innocent and how could he come up with such sick conclusions I mailed it.to.him since I left the key to get in the security gate on his table that night. Was I wrong to leave..he has not called me nor responded. I couldnt think straight I wasin total shock and disbelief at what he was saying immediately I started crying bec I was so hurt, I even vomited. I love him so much.and I know he loves me too, im very sad that he thinks im cheating it must be hurting him in the worst way..pls help. :”(

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Anomonous

We have been together for 3 years with one 4 month break. We have been back together for about 10 months now. While we were broken up, he got a new girlfriend who personality and appearance wise, very much so resembled me. He also slept with a multitude of women. I messed with a couple of guys but never kissed or slept with any of them as I had the high hopes of us getting back together and didn’t want to ruin it so I stayed pure for him. The reason he messed with so many women, he told me, was he was just doing him and he felt that the future would bring us together if we were meant to be but he wasn’t going to wait. The start of our relationship was just a high school sex fling then turned into infatuation. Before me, he was a total slut and had sex with over 50 girls. He was always loyal to them if they were actually officially dating. We then went through difficult times in our lives together and our relationship went to the next level and we were moving into the actual love phase. I became more than just another one of his girls and his friends and family all saw it and were astounded by it. All of his ex-girlfriends wanted to know what it was about me that got his attention more than they ever got. Some of them and some other people who for some reason didn’t want us to be together, would send him messages and what not saying that they have seen me cheating on him with other men. We both are possessive and very controlling and we try to work on it together but usually it ends in explosive fights. I can get extremely crazy when our fights get explosive and I become extremely hysterical. Our fights used to just be over stupid things and he never accused me of cheating before we got back together. But a few months ago, the accusations have been non stop. I live with him and I am with him all the time but I also work 2 jobs but I come home immediately after every time. Usually he is not home and I have to go pick him up. When I am home by myself and he comes home, he always accuses me of cheating on him and having another man in our home. A few months back, we got in a fight and I went to my car with a blanket to sleep. I couldn’t get comfortable so i was moving around a lot. Well very recently, our neighbors approached him and told him that they had a video that showed another man in the car making out with me then ducking out of the car and running off. He has been cheated on many times in the past and I have been cheated on once before but I have only have less than 10 boyfriends and slept with only 2 of them. So I have only slept with one guy other than my man right now. But there was more complications because of my past in which I was abused when I was a child by a family member. I love my man so much and he was the man that I planed to marry. But lately, I am not able to handle all the insults of him accusing me of being a heartless cheater. I have asked him today to seek professional help but he refuses to bring another person in. He always tells me that he’ll cheat on me cruelly then leave if he ever got proof that I cheated on him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I couldn’t stand to be separated. Because of his past with constantly being betrayed by girls in his history, he has the ability to move on very quickly without looking back once he thinks he has been betrayed. The accusations are not one-sided though. I sometimes accuse him as well, light things like hey you think she’s cute huh, you probably messed with her when you were out “at your dads”. But usually he reassures me and I move on. However, when he accuses me, he gets very hostile and cold to me. And it lasts a long time. I have never cheated and never will, I don’t have the heart to… I am not that person. But I happen to be unlucky and situations just sometimes look really bad. A couple months ago, we had sex with a condom and I guess neither of us kept track of it. A couple days later, we were messing around and the same use condom came out of me and we fought for hours over it and he was so close to kicking me out and throwing out all of my belongings in the hallway. It’s things like that that happen. I understand how he feels though because I wouldn’t have believed him if the situation had been reversed. Another case was when he came up the stairs, he saw another man come from our side of the apartment complex (in which we are the only occupied apt. in this side of the building) who apparently looked shady. The manager approached him and told him that she had seen the same man go into the apartment and she “thought that he was his friend”. He came in that day and kept asking me who that man was but I didn’t know ! I was just waiting inside doing my own thing BY MYSELF. It is so frustrating and I don’t understand why throughout our whole relationship, people have tried to break us apart by telling him that I was cheating on him. I didn’t cheat or have another man in the house of anything even remotely close to that boundary EVER IN MY LIFE. The frustration in knowing that I didn’t do anything wrong and he things so lowly of me makes me hysterically crazy! I try calmy talking to him and reassuring him but he continues to be cold and hostile and I gives me this rage feeling deep inside my gut and I start screaming and I have this huge fit. We can have the most amazing day then I give one wrong look at another man and his hostility is back. He didn’t even trust me to go to the Vans store at the mall to exchange a pair of shoes after I dropped him off at work. Both of us are getting sick of tired of this whole ongoing accusatory drama scene. He takes care of me and makes sure I eat and sleep and am healthy when I work 12-14 hour days, he gives me loves and cuddles, but then he just flips sometimes. He told me that from the bottom of his heart, he senses that he can’t trust me. Whenever we are in public, he turns hostile and says that all the other men are having these testosterone battles with him… And apparently they do that by trying to steal my gaze, which apparently I am always looking at other men when I should be at his side the whole time. So then I try to only look at the ground and cling to his right arm when we are in public but then he says that I think he’s stupid and that he sees me still looking at other men. He always wants me to go to his family social events but then when I do, I’m too quiet and insecure if I’m just looking at the ground by his side but then I am giving flirty looks and giving another man power over him if I look at anyone else of “feed their energy”. It’s like I am never good enough! I know in the bottom of my heart that he is not the person that could cheat. Neither am I though and I just really don’t understand how he could think so little of me to. It is hurting me so much and this change is so sudden! I don’t know what to do and I want us to be how we used to be not even three months ago. I don’t understand what has changed. He doesn’t look at me with loving eyes anymore, he looks like he is always searching for something that I am doing wrong and his eyes are always analyzing me. Please help us! He wants us to be happy again as well and he wants to research ways we can fix it but he just won’t pay for professional counseling because he believes it is for married couples only… which doesn’t make sense because he has wanted to marry me for the last two years.

Thanks so much Kim…

Reply
Seanna

What do you do if a woman you don’t know, out of the blue, unexpectedly, tells you she is sleeping with your boyfriend? I don’t believe her, and he denies it. But doubt creeps in, and what if he did? Random woman has given me her email, and says she’ll tell me all i want to know. But shouldn’t I just talk to him? It seems deceitful to talk to her. If she really is lying and just doing this to hurt him, then I have no interest in talking to her. He says she’s mental. Should I ask to see his emails and texts? What if he refuses or deletes them? He says he’s known her for a long time, and he’s tried to be kind to her, but she is obsessed with him. I dont know how to repair trust once its been broken.

Reply
    Kim L

    When you get information like that you must consider the source. Do you believe this woman is trustworthy? Is she acting sane or weird? What makes her more reliable than your boyfriend?
    If you have no other reason to think what she says is true (as in you have been worried or suspecting for a time) then you may wish to chalk it up to vindictiveness of some sort. If you have been worried, then don’t blow it off.

    Reply
Kim

My husband accuses me consistently of things I don’t do including having interest in other men. He confronts me even when I have casual conversations with other males. Tells me I should not have a needs to have casual acquaintances. He has accused me multiple times and has made my life miserable at times with his constant lack of trust. I can’t enjoy business trips for fear that he will accuse me, which he has. I guess my question is: is this type of behavior something that can be helped through counseling? I have confronted him and told him that his behavior is controlling and emotionally abusive. I have asked him to create a plan on how he will rectify these issues . He refuses to admit he has a problem. I told him 3 weeks ago that if the behavior happened again that I would be removing myself from the situation. It happened again just yesterday. He gives me the silent treatment then comes up with some ridiculous story of how I have shown interest in other men, then I get really angry and defend myself. This time I left and I am currently staying with a relative. We are both previously divorced and married earlier this year after 2 years of dating. He says that his first marriage ended due to her infidelity. I used to believe him….now I wonder if it was all in his head and his sick way of controlling. BTW, I have never cheated nor have I ever even considered it. What are your thoughts?

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    Kim L

    You go see a counselor at the very least. If he’ll go with you, even better. See if you can find someone trained at the Relational Life Institute (terryreal.com) in your area.

    Reply
Danielle

I’ve been knowing my bf for 2 years but we’ve been dating for a year on and off but its long distance . we talk everyday for hours at a time like im foreal in love with him , we broke up and i started seeing things on twitter and instagram of him hanging out with some girl and i decided to go to him about what i saw . even though we weren’t together i still had these feelings for him , we had this long argument of him denying he wasn’t messing with another girl . i saw everything and he denied it but after all of that he came to me saying how his life wasn’t the same without me , and how he needed me so bad , and even though i was still a little hesitant about the twitter thing i let him back in but in a way i also guarded myself . he noticed and would always say something , but i would just act cool and be like im good . recently we had a break up he called me one night the convo started bad as soon as i picked up the phone because he claimed he heard certain noises and he kept hanging up on me . i was stuck as to why he was acting the way he was but the next day i found out he thought i was having sex WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HIM ! which is crazy but i never ever in my life would do anything like that but he didn’t believe me . he kept going on what he thought he heard but he let that go but then 2 nights after that he said he heard the same noises when i was in a room with my brother sister and niece i told him he was tripping and nothing like that was happening he broke up with me and told me to lose his number i didn’t talk to him for a whole day and after that i texted him we ended up arguing about it i swore on god my sister even talked to him and swore on her daughter i wasnt doing anything but he never believed any of it and said he going with what he heard he kept calling me a liar and told me to admit what i did but i can’t admit to something i didn’t do and 2 days after we broke up he starts to talk to another girl im heartbroken idk what to do ive basically did everything i could to prove to him i didn’t do anything but he doesn’t believe me he tells me we can just be cool because he can’t be with me anymore ive been crying and everything i just don’t know what else to do to make him believe me my friends are saying maybe he’s making it up so he can have a reason to leave me because nobody moves on that fast from a relationship and start talking to another girl i just dont know what to think , please help me !

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amy

Im trying to become a physio therapist and work from home.my bf believes ive been cheating on him with one of my clients/good friend coz they flirted with me in a txt message.i feel like I really shot myself In the foot coz I flirted back lil but only for laugh nothing serious that give my client the wrong idea coz he has a partner too.but my bf saw the txt and now wont believe a word I say. He’s now giving me the cold shoulder and wont talk to me. im worried it going to end up him walking away from me or worse going off with someone.what do I do? Dont want to lose him!!

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Cindy

I’ve been married to my husband to a little over a year, we dated for 2 years 13 years ago and broke up, we found each other again 2 years ago. We decided to get married, he moved in with me and my 3 children from a previous marriage. We talked about kids after we got married, so I got my tubes untied, got in a huge argument 2 days after surgery!! He blew up in my face!! He decided to seek help after that. Things were getting back to normal, then I caught him lying!! Not just once…. told him one more time and I’m done, I’ve had enough bad relationships to last me a lifetime! I’m not staying in another one. Of course I heard it’ll never happen again… well the other night we were going to sleep, he says, can I ask you a question (even though you’ll probably get mad)…. “who are you seeing?” I about died!!!! I work and come home… that’s it! I’m here ALL the time! He crushed my heart and soul!! I don’t know what to do! He apparently doesn’t trust me, even though he says he does. I told him if he trusted me, he never would have ever thought about asking me that question! His reason… we hadn’t had sex for a whole 4 days!! So needless to say, a baby is totally out of the picture. I don’t even know if I want to continue. I don’t feel the same, I don’t want to be near him I am so angry!

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Kim L

Shared via the feedback form below… from Danielle:
“My boyfriend was cheated on in the past and several times in our two year relationship he has accused me of cheating. I have always tried to be supportive and let him see my phone history or anything else, which helps, but doesn\’t solve the problem. He recently accused me of cheating, insulted me, told me I was just like his ex and broke up with me in a fit of rage. Within two hours he was trying to talk about everything and reason it out. He apologizes and says he doesn\’t mean anything he he says but always ends up saying it again. He can admit to it being a problem and that he just expects me to cheat on him like everyone has. I ask him to tell me when he feels this was so we can get past it, but he never does and it ends up becoming a huge blowout. I also offer to send him pictures of where I am or call him from a land line so he can be reassured if he\’s feeling suspicious, but he knows that\’s wrong to have me do and he should just be able to trust me. He knows this is ruining our relationship and has admitted to wanting help. What is the best way to go about this?”

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    Kim L

    Danielle,
    From your story it seems your boyfriend needs to work on anger issues. He can’t keep blowing up and then apologizing only to do it all again; that will kill your relationship. Encourage him to seek help from a therapist, and if you folks want, talk to a couples’ counselor, too.
    -Kim

    Reply
Kim L

Shared by Kori via the feedback form below:
“So me and this boy have been together for 3 years but we were not really together for about 6 months & were both seeing & talking to diffrent people. I will admit that I did lie to him over that time. Since then we have been trying to work things out. He can be very controlling at times but has always been this way so I am sort of used to it. For the past year I have not talked/texted another boy, I have not hung out with another boy. I barely even hang out with friends. If I leave my house it is for work or to see him but he still acuses me of lying and says I\’m cheating on him. I take pictures of my time card at work so he can see the times I check in an out but he says that dosent mean anything. He has acuses me multiple times of not being at work & being out with other boys even when I show him the time card. I have not deleted a txt messages out of my phone since January and he still says I\’m hideing where I\’m txting boys I have an iPhone and have it to where all my iMessages go to his iPod & he still acuses me. I have currently been haveing problems with my phone saying no service or searching but everytime it says that I obsessively screenshot it so he can see that but he says that I make that up and that I am ignoring him because I am trying to hide where I am and what I am doing. I am at my white end an do not know what else to do to show him I am being faithful. He never listen to anything I have to say and dosent care how much proof I have. We will be great and have an awesome day together then he acuses me out of nowhere I something ridiculous here is an example of something that happened recently: I have a puppy so I have to take her out regularly to use the bathroom well he drove by my house one night when I was outside and acuses me of trying to sneak someone to my house. What I don\’t understand is how can I be cheating when I don\’t talk to any other boy. Please help because I don\’t know what to do and I am so stressed it is starting to take over my life!! Please help me! “

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    Kim L

    Kori,
    Sounds like your boyfriend has some major issues with control, insecurity, and self esteem. He needs to get help to work on those things; you need some help and direction on learning what a healthy respectful relationship actually looks and feels like. Got get help for yourself and realize you deserve to be cherished, not torn down.
    -Kim

    Reply
Kim L

From Michelle via my feedback form below:
“my guy of a year has been accussing me of cheating….but throuhgout the whole relationship, i ve done everythign to prove im not, i practicall live with him……im with him everyday and every night, the only time we are apart is when we go to work and we work 7mins apart….we have lunch togeteher, he come gets me at work but its still not enough….he still accuses me of cheating….i dont think there is someone else, we have been broken up for a month now and he isnt with anyone yet…but he has been cold turkey on me, no calls, no texts, nothing
he did show up at my job wednesday saying he loved me and wanted me back, but i was like something has to change…..he was like if i walk away this time thats it…i said ok, fine…and thats it…nothing, havent heard or seen him….help i dont understandmy guy of a year has been accussing me of cheating….but throuhgout the whole relationship, i ve done everythign to prove im not, i practicall live with him……im with him everyday and every night, the only time we are apart is when we go to work and we work 7mins apart….we have lunch togeteher, he come gets me at work but its still not enough….he still accuses me of cheating….i dont think there is someone else, we have been broken up for a month now and he isnt with anyone yet…but he has been cold turkey on me, no calls, no texts, nothing
he did show up at my job wednesday saying he loved me and wanted me back, but i was like something has to change…..he was like if i walk away this time thats it…i said ok, fine…and thats it…nothing, havent heard or seen him….help i dont understand”

Reply
    Kim L

    Michelle,
    Stick to your guns that something has to change. Go see a counselor so you folks can work through this. Relationships can’t be all or nothing.
    -Kim

    Reply
jorge

hello, im from mexico, I used to work on cruiseships with my exfiancee, when I left the last ship I got fired and she was left on her own, there was many rumours about me cheating on her when she wasn’t there. I have a past of cheating on my ex, and she obviously knows about my past, I don’t know wot else to do to her to trust me, there was not just one or 2 rumors and I understand why she thinks that, I could prove her as much talking to the girls I was supposed to be involved with, she even talked to them and they deny it. I went to the other side of the world to explain her how I feel and how sorry I am about everything….. to be honest the relationship at the beginning I did lie to her about liking someone else and kept denying it till not long ago. I know I was wrong but I know also I did it because I was scared of her running away from me…. she is in complete control of me now, and wotever I do or say it seems to be wrong for her, I don’t really know what else to say to her, I have even told her that I want to go to a counselor, so we can fix things….. im really desperate, please help me….

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Samantha S

My boyfriend of over a year went to Montana for 3 weeks. I missed him a lot so to get him off my mind I hung out with some friends one of them happened to be a guy. Well all were at a coffee shop and my guy friend was playing chess and offered to teach me. I had put a post on facebook thanking him for teaching me. My boyfriend saw this and got VERY VERY mad at me for this and went off on me saying I was cheating and just saying all this awful stuff. No matter what I say to him He wont stop accusing me. this has been going on for about a week now and its killing me, I have been crying for days because of all the awful things he is saying to me when he does talk to me. He said he would give me one more chance to impress him or its over. What do I do? I love him but its just awful that he is doing this to me <:.(. all I had wanted was to get him off my mind so I wont miss him so much, not start a awful mess.

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Pashence

I have been in a relationship with someone for 15 yrs. We have 2 kids together. He’s constantly disrespecting me and calling me name in front of the kids and accusing me of cheating on him from cousins to anybody he thinks I know. If I talk to someone then there’s a relationship. I’m constantly trying to prove myself to him and even agreed to take a lie detector test, but when he saw that I was really going to take it, he backed down from paying for it. He doesn’t talk to his family cause they don’t do what he wants them to do and so when I talk to them or want my kids to have a relationship with his family he calls me the enemy. Things can be alright but as soon as I don’t do what he wants then he’s ready to evict me. I just received a 30 day notice from him Monday. Why do people act like this?

Reply
    Kim L

    Pashence,
    You identified it – he doesn’t respect you… and you have been letting him do it for a long time. Find a way to get strong and centered in yourself, and then expect a respectful and cherishing relationship- nothing less.

    Reply
Angie

I get accused every week, without fail, of cheating. I know this stems from when we first started dating and I just broke up with my ex 2 monhts before. My ex called me and wanted to get back together and I said no. I ‘ve never told him about this call until a year later. He was very upset. We have gotten married since then, but the accusations never stopped. It’s gotten to a point where we share 1 phone, has all access to my personal emails. We got into an argument one night and I refused to give up my email for work, based on principle that he should trust me. To this day I still will not give him my email access for work and this causes problems. Now he admitted that he blows 1 little thing out of proportion and makes it into a big argument because he believes I lie all the time, especially by not showing my work email. I keep telling him nothing is going on.
It’s gotten to where I can predict his moods and know that he will pick a fight. My son hears us arguing all the time and I’m scared of how this is affecting him. I’m at a point where, so the argument will end, I will sit there and let him yell at me and apologize for whatever reason. I know this is not the right thing to do, but I’m tired.

Reply
    Kim L

    Get yourself into counseling first so you can have support. Then set limits on what you will put up with – e.g. walk out if he’s disrespecting you and make it clear you won’t sit around to be abused. Remember, real love is not unconditional.

    Reply
Lacy

I have been friends with this guy for about 8 months we have hung out alot but he has acussed me of sleeping with this other guy,and I never did. me and that guy are suppose to be friends,but there are fillings there of more then friend ship. he is controlling and possive. what do i do?? he acts like we r a couple but we arent. what do i do??

Reply
    Kim L

    Clarify what your relationship really is. If he’s not your boyfriend, then he has no say in who you are or aren’t with.

    Reply
Jerry

Being accused of cheating is threatening to ruin my relationship with my girlfriend. In her last relationship (two years prior to us meeting), she was cheated on and physically abused so I understand the emotional trauma and try my best to help her get past it by being as loving and caring as I possibly could but these accusations are seriously getting out of hand. Every day activities such as helping coworkers on the job, or saying “hi” to female acquaintances while she is right there with me are taken as flirting and therefore signs of cheating. I would not give her access to any of my social media for fear of her doing something to humiliate me, but I do let her go through my phone or Facebook while I’m there just to prove to her that I am completely faithful. It does not seem to make a difference. I stand my ground and tell her I’m not cheating and will ask her to tell me what she see’s that makes here think I am. She will go absolutely crazy and scream, “You know you are! Just admit it!” and give no answer as to what she sees. I feel like I’m dealing with a totally unreasonable person when she gets like that and have no idea how to respond in a way she’ll understand.

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Sam

My boyfriends from a traveling community and I have been with him a year and half he is always accusing me of going back to my daughters farther, all of his family hate me he has got 9 sisters and only 2 like me , my boyfriends got so insecure he fort I was cheating on him with he’s own brother they started to fight and he told all his family now they had me even more and they think I’ve cheated and think I’m bad? They expect to much off my as I’m a none travler they think I should follow there way but I don’t want to and my boyfriend says I haven’t got to my heads so messed up what she’ll I do :/

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    Kim L

    Sam,
    Do you really want to be in a place where people hate and dislike you and accuse of you untrue things? If so, then stick to your guns, remain true to yourself and your ideas, and set limits on yourself about how you are treated. Then encourage and ask your boyfriend to work on it with you- start by having him read this post and talk about your thoughts on it.
    Best of luck, but remember you deserve to be treated well.

    Reply
lisa

I have been with this guy for ten years the first time I thought he was cheating because a gurl texted his phone hey baby then the next time I seen pictures in his phone of him and another gurl then I end up talking to the gurl online and she tells me she been sleeping with him since I was pregnant he says she is just a friend who has always liked him and that he used to date her sister but her sister is now married now the third time was this gurl he said they went to school together and she was a friend from school I talked to her on the phone and she says she’s pregnant buy him so far I have only had evidence from his phone or internet should I believe him or this gurls well I haven’t seen him doing anything just this gurls all yea he said the pixs were old they did look old but I don’t know

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    Kim L

    Lisa,
    Take a look at what is going on in your relationship and with your boyfriend that creates this distrust, and then address that with him. If he is trustworthy and truthful on all other areas then the probability is that the girl is lying. However, if he is not acting trustworthy, you have things to address.

    Reply
nylse

My boyfriend constantly accused me of cheating, every time i go to visit my parents he says am going to visit a boyfriend. and no matter how much i talk to him he still accuses me, and once he told me no matter what i tell him he would not change, its only him to change his mind. i am so confused i don’t know whether or not to leave, we have been together four years now, and i love him very much. he doesn’t want me to hang out with my friends because he thinks my friends influence me to go with other guys because they think he is not good enough. i think he is insecure.

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    Kim L

    Nylse,
    Yes, he might be insecure, but what is happening with the two of you that he feels that way? Or what has happened to him in the past that he feels that way? Have him read the post and talk about it.
    Additionally, if your friends aren’t friendly toward your relationship it is time to set limits on them. Tell them you won’t be a party to negativity about your boyfriend or relationship. However, this means you have to do the same thing with them- you can’t dump on them all the time about your relationship unhappiness and then expect them to be happy you are still with the guy. You need to share the good in bigger doses.

    Reply
larissa

My bf saw me yesterday in the day of my bday with my ex ,that i brokw up with a week ago,we were only talkin about the things that have been happening for this break up,nd my bf was there witg all of his friends ,after that he texted me sayin everything was over nd he doesnt wanna see me ever again,even tho i didnt cheat on him but im pretty sure his friends made up his mind,now idk qhat to do

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    Kim L

    Larissa,
    Unfortunately, “only talking” with your ex can be a slippery slope to end up back with or cheating with your ex. Your boyfriend is right to be concerned; however, his reaction is a little extreme. He could have talked to you about it, asked that you not hang out with or talk with you ex (especially so soon after you started dating!) Of course, you could have invited your boyfriend into the conversation if it was innocent so he could see you were only clearing things up.

    Reply
Tracy

I am seriously needing some kind of help or beginning direction. My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years now and about a 1 1/2 ago idk what happened but I just all of a sudden started accusing him of cheating. I know hes not he doesn’t have time to, we only have one phone we share, and we openly share our fb and email passwords with each other just so we know if we ever are curious we can go look. he used to be a repeat cheater in his other relationships and yes that is how we ended up together but weve been through so much together and discovered that his behavior in previous relationships was due to having issues with his mother which he has now addressed and moved past. he tells me hes to old for all the games and trying to be with more than 1 woman and that im all the woman he can handle and I honestly believe him but there is something inside me that keeps on accusing him. I absolutely adore this man with every part of my being. I know that if anything were to ever happen between us there would be no one else out there for me. I will never be able to love someone as much as I love him. im so lost as to what to do I feel like im losing my mind. I feel like its not even really me I feel like someone or something is taking over and doing it and im standing in the background yelling “stop don’t ruin this for me your wrong’ but it does no good. I need help. were both under alot of stress all the time due to living with my parents, and ive even accused him of trying to hit on my mother, who hates him with a passion, and idk why. him and our mix of kids, 1 mine 1 his and 1 ours, are all I have in this world. the rest of my family even though we are living with them are always just out for themselves and try to take as much as they can from me. I thankfully am nothing like that. Im just so lost…..

Reply
    Kim L

    Find direction with a counselor; you, your kids, your fiance, and your family deserve it.

    Reply
Robert

My girlfriend is out of town right now, and I got a text message from an unknown number. It started out “Hey Sexy, whatcha doing tonight?” To which I immediately responded “Who is this?” They kept trying to lead me into a conversation that was not appropriate considering I’m in a relationship. I told them to leave me be, and I’m not interested. At which point my girlfriend, with whom I had been texting between these other texts told me it was one of her girlfriends, just checking to see what I would do.

I’v never given her reason to think that I was unfaithful (And there aren’t any reasons she’s unaware of either, just for the record) But now I feel betrayed. I would never do anything like that to her, and I wouldn’t think she would do it to me. Can anyone please give me some advice?

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    kate

    i think your girlfriend is insecure, maybe she wanted to see your reaction, and if you did play along she would of said what the heck he is flirting why don’t i just even the score, two can play the game. i know for a fact that’s why girls do those kind of things, but you did great.

    Reply
    Kim L

    Robert,
    Talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel betrayed and unappreciated. Ask her to agree to never be a part of something like this again.
    Unfortunately, she and her friends might have thought it was “funny” and didn’t realize what they did was really hurtful.

    Reply
Renee

Hello, me and my boyfriend have been together off and on for 4 years and we have a son together. He is controlling and possessive. He Always disrespects me in front of his friends and family. He’s always accusing me of cheating hen it’s clear that I am not. I am a full time student trying to get a better life for our son. He is always accusing me of cheating on him with a from school. I can’t even look or talk to a guy without him blowing up. We have had problems in the passed with both of us hurting each other he hooked up with my best friend because he thought I cheated on him. When we got together I had a lot of guy friends and thought I hooked up with every single one of them. When I never did, since I’ve met him I’ve only loved him and only been with him. I fought so hard to be with him when I got pregnant because my parents didn’t approve of our relationship. I went through so much pain when I was pregnant I almost lost my son. I don’t know what to do anymore I am so tired of the accusing the disrespect and the fighting. Please help me

Reply
    Kim L

    You identified it – he doesn’t respect you… and you have been letting him do it for a long time. Find a way to get strong and centered in yourself, and then expect a respectful and cherishing relationship- nothing less. Your son deserves to see what a healthy relationship is – do it for him if you can’t do it for yourself.

    Reply
Ransten

My Girlfriend gets Angry WheN She Finds Out I Chat Too Other Girls And WheN I Ask What’s Wrong And Can Clearly See There’s SomethinG Wrong She Says NothinG She’s Always KeepinG Stuff In Hav To Beg Her To Tell Me what’s WronG she thinKs My FeelinGs For Her ArE ChanginG Put Up A status Saying”Don’t be too confident when someone tell’s you they love you the real question is “Until” when because just like season’s people change and so does feelings”dnt Know what Too Say Too Her as Clearly I’ve Never Cheated Or Flirted Before Can’t Do Its Not Me Seeing Her TomOrrow And DnT KnOw wat Too Say.Dnt KnOw if I Must Bring Up The Topic Or NoT Really Confused

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Sylvie

This will be long. But I need help. Brace yourself!
I have a past of very bad relationships. Not abusive, but deceiving. Almost every guy I have been with was on the verge of cheating/has cheated on me before I found out. I know that might have to do with the men I pick, but somehow no other options present themselves for me. And I know that this might be an excuse to justify these relationships.
Right now, I thought I had found the perfect guy and was even thinking about children and a future together. We have been together for over a year now and I’ve even moved into his house.

So, recently he started fighting over little and the most stupid things with me. From my previous relationships I know that when a partner is too quarrelsome, there is a problem and he wants out/is sick of me. So, I started looking at his Facebook and his online dating account (yes, he still has one after a year of being committed to me) and there are some red flags. His dating account is very active (at least once a day he checks it) and he doesn’t list me as his GF on Facebook (I know this sounds childish when you say it like that, but shouldn’t you feel proud to be with someone and wanna scream it to the whole world?).
So, I created a fake profile on this dating website and messaged him as another girl. He responded to the fake ad and even made arrangements to meet on the weekend (a weekend that I was going to be out of town) and gave ‘her’ his business phone number to reach. He even told me to stay longer out of town, on the day he was meeting up with her, because he didn’t want me to be stuck in traffic on the drive back (how nice of him!).
Now he never made it to this fake date, because I couldn’t keep my emotional cool and started arguing with him. When I made a little comment that he might have set his eyes on another woman he caught on and started questioning me if it was me that had contacted him via this dating site. I confessed eventually, and he declared that he had always know that it was me behind the messages.
To be honest I don’t believe him, because of the way he excused himself out of every point made against him. Also, he confessed that the dating website and Facebook are a means for him to get attention from women. And he also admitted to me that deep down he hates himself and doesn’t value himself. I have read somewhere that this is a classic sign of cheaters.
In his defense, he deleted his dating account since then (although I’m positive another one under another name has been opened) and I have deleted my Facebook because I am so tired of it, so I don’t know about his status there.
Unfortunately, I do not know how to trust him anymore, the feelings for him have half subsided and I lost most of my respect for him. He suggested couples counseling, but to be honest I don’t think that a couples counselor can help him to love himself. I’m not sure that anybody can. Can you help someone like that? And shall I wait and try to help him, or move on until he has learned to appreciate himself without the need to get it from other women?
Rant over.

Thank you for listening/reading.

Reply
Rudi

Hi! After reading the numerous online Q&As and the discussion here, I am at a loss. My fiancé and I got engaged 4 months after meeting and we have both vocalized how wonderful things are between us. We have now been together 8 months and I have never been happier. I truly believe I have met my soulmate; he has also expressed this often.
However, he accuses me of cheating or makes snide comments about me and this said boyfriend or boyfriends I have. I have never given him reason to even begin to think I am cheating, physically or emotionally. We have both been very honest about our past as we both believe open communication is crucial to a last relationship and marriage. He has expresses that every ex he has had has cheated on him and he has cheated on most of his ex’s. while I have told him that I have cheated once on an ex years ago.
I realize that one of the major reasons partners accuse is because they are cheating or want out, an I confidently feel neither are the case. I don’t believe he is cheating, while yes, I have let my insecurities get the best of me and have wondered, I know deep down he’s not cheating on me. I also am very confident that he is quite happy in our relationship and not looking for a reason to get out or disconnect from me.
I have had conversations with him about the accusations, and he tells me he doesn’t really feel that way, but because of his past relationships, it’s hard for him to believe that I wouldn’t cheat. I have really tried to talk this through with him, but he seems to eventually circle back. I don’t want his insecurities to poision out relationship. I am at a loss of how to move forward and help him understand that a. I am not cheating and b. that I won’t. I recognize and appreciate his insecurities but I just am not sure how to assist his process of healing. Please help!

Reply
    Kim L

    If it’s about HIS past, then he needs to go to a therapist and work his way through it. You can’t be his counselor.

    Reply
stephanie

My girlfriend is accusing me of cheating. I told I would never cheat on her she is my world. She asks me this almost everyday. I do have a passed of cheating but I don’t teally consider it as cheating because the relationship was going to end anyway. But I cheated on the guy with her. Please help I don’t know what to do.

Reply
    Kim L

    Read the original post together and talk about it.

    Reply
sherbert

I have one male bestfriend he just use to text me on facebook now my boyfriend has my password ti my phone. I let him answer my phone at any time and read my messages. My bestfriend hasnt come arounde in person has never called me nothing but my boyfriend up got mad told me i needed stop talking to him so i deleted my facebook. But my boyfriend has this female who he says is his bfriend. This girl texts him 24/7 shes all on his fb page talking bout baby how you and i love u and hes snuck oit two momths ago with her to nars and went out to movies with her. Idk what to think or do? Hes been talking bout being family with me &kids so i just dont know i need advice..

Reply
    Kim L

    Sherbert,
    What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If he thinks having an opposite sex best friend is a problem, then it is a problem — for BOTH of you. He isn’t just having double standards, he’s double dipping (sneaking out to a movie with her!) He’s accusing because he’s doing, so unless he stops doing, don’t talk family and kids.

    Reply
Alex

My boyfriend consistantly asks me if I love him, if I am seeing someone, and if I am cheating, he even flat out accuses me of being with specific people, he constantly wants to see me phone, and I have never done anything to be unfaithful, I have even pushed some of my closest friends away because they are guys who he believes I have cheated on him with. I will note that we are two guys if that means anything. Again, I have NEVER done anything to wrong him, we have our spats like anyone else, but one time I went through his phone as he went through mine (which was weird to me) but I found that he has installed a hookup app that I have watched him delete shortly after we started dating, he told me a friend had re-installed it… then I found endless amounts of texts between him and other people, other guys I know, granted this was before we met and got together but my god he seemed to have A LOT of hookups before he met me. I just want to know… how do I make sense of any of this?????? please help me!

Reply
    Kim L

    Sometimes control masquerades as caring. Often people confuse someone caring and worried with someone who is really unhealthy.
    Talk with him about this post and get a feel for if this is healthy caring or if this is the beginnings of control.

    Reply
Rhea

I’m in High school…I really love this guy and I know Its not an infatuation . I know that he loves me too.
I’m reallly pretty and a lot of guys have fallen for me at school, I have never really liked any of them, but my guy doesn’t believe me , he always thinks I have something going on with some other guy.

I attract a lot of attention from the opposite sex…..But I don’t do it on purpose !
I’ve tried telling him that a few times, and he understands but it gets back to being the same again.
He says that I can’t be his girlfriend because I’m already with so many guys.

I really need help, because I really love this guy a lot & don’t want to lose him !

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Kay

Explain this, I think my bf is a pathological liar. Whenever he accuses me of cheating, he makes up a lie to try and get me to confess (for example: he said that the receptionist from my work called him and asked him when I will be back to work, so then he accuses me of not being a work.)

And I know it’s total crap, I was at work. Even when I go out to my parents, he makes up more lies and says he called them and they told him I wasn’t there. WTF! I don’t get why he lies so much, but its taken a toll on me. I want to leave him because I can’t take this unnecessary lying and accusing anymore.

I spent two years of my life with him, and I lost all my respect.and trust for him. He still hangs around a bad crowd, and has lied to me numerous times about what he was doing, and hid information about these people. I can’t even see my friends, because he will just turn the tables, and accuse me of not going to see my friends. I have no one to talk to about this. I have caught him numerous times trolling craigslist sex ads and flirting with women. We have broken up numerous times, and in less than a day, he is already trying to hook up with someone else.

I have had enough. I have tried to be supportive, respectful, etc. But he throws it all away. for a cheap thrill. He is impossible to talk too, he always shuts me down and says all these ‘horrible’ things other people supposedly say about me. Guess there is no honoring your girlfriend with this fella.

Reply
    lj

    Hi Kay, seeing this post is over a year old, I hope you cut ties with this guy. If you’re not married or have any children, walk away. Please walk away. I was stupid enough to stay with mine and now have a child. So please walk away if you still can and if you have already, congratulations.

    Reply
Mona

My boyfriend accused me of cheating when all I did was stay home while he went out with his younger brother. He was divorced with three children. I moved in with him like an idiot and we would fight and I would threaten him that I would leave him but he would always say he’s sorry and then I would forgive him. Then it became a cycle plus he would come home wanting sex and he would say if I was cheating I wouldn’t want it from you every night. His ex would call him sometimes to help with her car or something and on his one time on his birthday she brought him a cake and said it was for the kids to sing him happy birthday. I never cheated on him and he continuously accuses me of it. We would fight over his accusations and then he would make jokes like ” when I’m gone you probably sneak a dude in”, or ” your probably going to meet up with a dude instead of visiting your parents”. I would get upset and he would say I’m just joking why you getting mad because your guilty. But, really I’m mad because I’m sick and tired of hearing it. I can’t visit family without him accusing me of something and I can’t keep in touch with any friends or have any new ones Does this mean he may have cheated on me with his ex or has cheated before?

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    Kim L

    We can’t know if he’s cheated or has been cheated on from what you say, but it sounds like you have a controlling boyfriend; e.g. “I can’t keep in touch with any friends or have any new ones.” Controlling people often accuse others of things to keep them in line and fearful. Demanding sex and then accusing you of things when you honestly say “no” is another form of control.

    Reply
Ken

My name is Ken and I have been with my gf for over a year and have recently started having a lot of problems. But the main issue that we are having is me trusting her, the reason is she lied to me about deleting messages in her gmail account to her ex and to one of her co-workers that she always talks about (which I think she likes). I did not go looking through her messages on purpose, she borrowed my phone the night before to go out with that same co worker and friends, but did not sign out of her gmail. So the next morning I opened up my web browser to surf and saw that she has being messaging her ex and what he was texting her was not appropriate for someone who was in a relationship. It made me upset because I told her two times prior to that I didn’t feel comfortable with her keeping contact with her ex unless you have children or something permanent. Well after arguing with her we made up and I forgave her. But then a few nights later she went out drinking again with the same co-worker and friends at 11pm and did not come home until 5:30 am (didn’t say that it bother because I didn’t want to appear controlling), she did this again another night she left at 12am and did not come back until 6:18am. When I asked her about it she said that they all went back to her co-workers house and were playing cards and drinking games. But after lying to me for something that she could have been honest to me about, I’m not sure on what to think about those two late morning encounters. She told me that she didn’t do anything after I accused her, but I don’t know what to think, can you help me?

Reply
    Kim L

    Ken,
    Trust is only kept by acting trustworthy. Do you think your girlfriend is acting trustworthy? Did making up include her agreeing to stop talking/texting with the ex? It should have if the texts were inappropriate- that is trustworthy behavior. And why is she going out without you? If it were a “girls night” then the co-worker she likes wouldn’t be with them; if he is, you could go. Again, is she acting trustworthy?

    Reply
sarah

hello my bf use to talk to hes ex girlfriends over the phone of and on and hes ex would tell me hes playing with her emotions and he needs to make hes mind up and he says he dosent love her she is just trying to break us up by teling me those things didnt know who to believe?this was in the beginning of the relationship so i didnt mind a year later we are married but sometimes i feel like he is still playing games he says we are married now i he wont do that anymore

Reply
Jenny

Hello Kim,

My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. He’s 35 and I’m soon to be 31. We can be so great together but lately we’re both accusing each other of cheating. I accuse him nonstop and he occasionally accuses me. Mine stems from insecurity and I’ve promised him I’d work on it, that it’s my problem and something I need to fix within myself. Because I’m insecure with myself right now it creates this jealousy in me that makes me suspicious of every female around because I feel like she’s better and he’s going to want her as opposed to me. I question every move he makes, every word he says. I’m constantly looking for some hidden meaning behind everything. I’m fully aware this is my problem and I’m working on it but it isn’t easy. Anyway, he’s never given me any real reason to think he’s cheating except looking at other women, but that isn’t a red flag to me. He has told me that almost all of his ex’s cheated on him, some of which I know is proven to be true. This is kind of a breakdown of what happens between us; he’ll get on facebook and then if he sees that I’m on facebook he’ll start getting mad at me accusing me of talking to some guy at that moment. He accuses me of having multiple accounts in order to sneak around and cheat on him. He doesn’t do this everyday but the times he does it makes me question him. He insists he isn’t cheating on me, that he’d dump me first but he says he doesn’t really trust me because things “look” suspicious to him. Example of “suspicious”; last night on xbox live, one of our mutual male friends kept trying to play a game with him and he said it was his way of talking to me. He said he knew as soon as he signed off this guy would try to talk to me. I don’t understand this. I mean, I do understand where he’s coming from because the way he’s accusing me is the exact same way I have him for so long but I’m really innocent here and haven’t done anything in a year to make him question me. We both have done or said questionable things in the past but I’m trying to work on my issues. I feel like I’m at a standstill here. I feel like the only reason he’s accusing me and looking for suspicious things is because he’s the one doing it.. but 90% of the time when I think I’m right, when it comes to him being unfaithful, I’m proven wrong. Like I said, he’s never given me any reason to think he’s cheating in any way and I don’t know why we’re both doing this to one another. I love this man and I wasn’t like this in past relationships. I had to listen to his accusations last night after him getting some idea or fantasy in his head, after us having a good day together, and then I woke up this morning to ANOTHER drama filled episode of something I was doing that he was doing at the same time – being online on a website. When he questions me about something I try to calmly tell him what’s going on, and then because he accused me I start turning the tables and accuse him of doing what it was he started accusing me of. Any advice please? I know he cares about me but we both need help. Seeing someone is out of the question at the moment so any advice or input you have would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks sooo much!!
** I would also like to add to that, that he has photos of me/us on his facebook and on his networking sites, xbox included, and personal information that lets everyone know we’re both happily taken. He nor I are trying to hide our relationship so all this just makes it so weird to me. There’s a part of me also wonders if my constant accusations have driven him to start being suspicious of me now. Like I said, we’re both open about our relationship status so I’m just feeling hopeless here. 🙁

Reply
    Kim L

    Jenny,

    You hit the nail on the head, a counselor is in order if you and he can’t have an honest sit-down. At the very least you would benefit from talking to someone about your own insecurities. If you aren’t secure in yourself you’ll never be secure in a relationship.

    Another place to gain some insight is with books. Until mine is edited and published you’ll have to make do with my blog. However, following are some great and useful reads. Pia Mellody’s “The Intimacy Factor” is a great book to understand relationship patterns and yourself. It can help you with your personal insecurities. She also wrote “Facing Codependence” and “Facing Love Addiction” which are great. Many of my clients have also used her Facing Codependence Workbook with great results. David Burns wrote a useful book about mood called “Feeling Good” which is a basic for any self work. Additionally he wrote “Feeling Good Together” which may help your relationship. If you have, as you indicated, many historical hurts in your relationship you may consider reading “How Can I Forgive You” by Janis Spring.

    Lastly, if it is money that keeps you from seeking counseling help, check out your local mental health clinic. Or look on Psychology Today’s website to see if there is a therapist in your area who does sliding scales. You sound like you need support- hopeless isn’t a good place to be – get some help.

    -Kim

    (Reminder for anyone reading this reply who is hopeless and even feeling like harming or killing themselves- there is help and hope out there! 800-273-TALK is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; call it. It is posted on my resources page, too.)

    Reply
Brittany

Hello,
My name is Brittany, I’ve been in this relationship for almost 5 months. He recently moved states and insists I’m cheating. He’s been gone almost a week and we have fought everyday about it. Im not sure what to do. What do I do, i need quick advice.

Reply
    Kim L

    Brittany,
    Have him read the post and talk with you about what it is that makes him think you have been unfaithful. Ask for specifics and talk about his fears. If he only wants to fight about it ask why. Get him talking and refuse to fight or join him in throwing barbs. Read up on keeping healthy boundaries and how to listen/speak here on this blog and practice those skills.
    If you both feel the relationship is worth keeping and you can’t talk this out, go see a neutral third party to help. A couples counselor or coach would be great.

    Reply
emily

Hi, I am 28 and I feel like my husband of 5 years does not treat me like an equal. We have two kids together and last year we broke up and he had sex with this nasty chick, I had to get a roomate to pay the rent and she had a friend that needed a place to stay till his house was ready, so cash in hand I let him use a room,m this guy was a major drunk and worked a lot so we rarley saw him but my husband figured I was having sex with this guy and started stashing tape recorders in my place to overhear conversations… there were none between me and this guy , but I think me and my gf were a bit tipsy talking about back in the day.. and my husband to this day figues it was about the drunk… anyways, so he always talks about threesomes, other girls how hot my friend is how if she was single and he was she would be his type.. and everytime I say I feel like I’m not an equal to him he says I want to cheat…??? Wtf? I never go out I don’t have friends come over I do nothing and he still accuses me of wanting to cheat is he screwed in the head and a waste of time or what.

Reply
    Kim L

    Dear Emily,
    Respect is not just about thinking you are cheating; it is in the whole way a person treats you. From stashing tape recorders (which is illegal) and talking about threesomes he’s disrespecting you. Not to say you folks have a great relationship and it seems you are letting his agenda isolate you. It sounds like time to talk to a counselor to see if this is able to be fixed.
    I wish you a cherishing and healthy relationship,
    Kim

    Reply
matthew

my gf says im cheating on her with my best friend thats a girl and she is friends with that girl so now my gf wont talk to my bestfriend but she’ll tell me not to be friends with my best friend since first grade

Reply
    Kim L

    Matthew,
    Talk to your gf about why she thinks what she does. Maybe you are a bit emotionally close to this other girl- especially since you’ve known her since 1st grade. Cheating doesn’t mean just sex; it means taking away from your gf anything that belongs in the relationship with your gf. In other words, if you speak emotionally to your pal, but not your gf, that’s cheating. Until you clarify with your gf what it is that bothers her, you’ll be mystified. Talk with her, understand her side, and see what will help. Yes, sometimes is does come down to choosing your gf or your pal because you aren’t able to keep the boundaries clear. And remember, counseling isn’t just for married couples, those who are dating can use it as well. In fact, smart couples go while dating so they short circuit any bad habits.
    The best to you!
    -Kim

    Reply
Jennifer

My ex boyfriend and I have been trying to repair our relationship for the past 5 months or so. He was my first boyfriend and serious relationship, I gave alot of myself up to him emotionally, and I lost my virginity to him. During these past 5 months we have also still been having sex together, and neither of us have even talked to anyone new since we broke up. His friends tell me that he says he still cares about me and gets jealous. Recently we have been going to movies or lunch dates to catch up, and everything was going great! Then we got into an argument the other night and things started going downhill again. I have never cheated in him, EVER, but he lets his imagination get the best of him and gets stuck on the idea that it must be true. He is very hypocritical and selfish too! He thinks that if I talk to another guy I must be flirting with them, when really all I’m doing is just having a friendly convo. Last month at a party we went too together he even walked around saying he was my boyfriend just so other guys wouldnt come up and talk to me.. I guess he said that out of jealousy, but if he truley is jealous of other guys talking to me then why doesn’t he just ask me to be his girlfriend again??. Ive also admitted to him that ive made some mistakes in my past before I started dating him, and he still holds those mistakes against me. His ex girlfriend cheated on him all the time and I know that’s why he’s so insecure about it with me. I just don’t think it’s fair for him to assume that I would do the same actions she did or for him to hold grudges against me for mistakes I made almost 3 years ago when he didn’t even know me. I love him and i really dont want to lose him just because he cant stop holding a grudge against his ex for cheating on him, or me for my past mistakes. I know he still cares about me, I just really need advice on what I should do to fix things and mend our relationship back into a healthy one!

Reply
    Kim L

    Jennifer,
    Maybe you start by having him read this post and discuss what his fears are about and what you are afraid they will do to your relationship. Also have a discussion about jealousy and double standards. If he wants to act like your boyfriend, but not truly be your boyfriend why is that? What is he doing that he doesn’t want to stand up for the truth of what you are folks really are doing (dating.) Janis Spring wrote a book called “How Can I Forgive You?” which he might want to read (or you folks can read together) in order to understand how to get past these fears. Of course you folks can see counselors together or individually to help wrap your heads around what is going on and how to make your relationship healthy.
    I wish you both a rewarding relationship,
    -Kim

    Reply
tmoretz

so my boyfriend keeps accusing me of cheating when i haven’t been. I have lied to him in the past but it was like a guard for me and now i dont lie to him at all. I love him so much and he just keeps accusing me of cheating. he looks up stuff on the internet and askes me questions all the time and i give him the answers and i get aggravated and pissed and he thinks that im lieing to him because i get aggravated. i give him my phone to keep when im not with him the passwords to everything that i have and he checks all of it all the time. but he doesnt let me see his things most the time. he also know where everything could possibly be hiding and i didnt know anything about that stuff cause i dont hide anything. I think its weird that he knows how to find all these things that could be hiding and doesnt tell me about it ” in fear that i would learn how to hide things” and i feel like he might of cheated on me or is cheating on me and i pray thats not whats going on but im at his house just about everyday except 2 days a week . what should i do? I dont understand it and i dont know how to get him to trust me ? but he had a girl cheat on him before and i think that may be why hes thinking like that . any advice anyone could give me?

Reply
    Kim L

    Tori,
    Have him read the blog post and start a discussion. Trust starts with communication. And trust thrives on trustworthy behaviors; it sounds like you’ve been acting trustworthy, but something in him is keeping him from trusting. Could you talk to him about that in a curious manner (rather than aggravated?) Talk to him about what happened with his past gf, and how your relationship is different.
    Unfortunately, you could be right and he’s cheating. The old adage is “an honest man lives in an honest world while a dishonest man lives in a dishonest one.” People usually believe other people will do the same things they would do. Double standards in relationships only breed resentment, so if he wants to check your stuff all the time, you have the right to check his. Make this clear in order to avoid resentments later.
    You can always ask him if he’d go see a counselor with you so you folks can talk it through. Emphasize how important it is to you to learn healthy ways of dealing with stressors and trust together.
    I wish you happiness,
    -Kim

    Reply
abfb183@city.ac.uk

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. We have got off to a rocky start because the cross over between him and me getting together was very small after me and my ex broke up. He found that I was still talking to my ex because my ex was putting emotional pressure on me. At the same time, he saw me talking to two other male friends in what he perceived to be in a flirty way but it honestly was in innocent. I have stopped talking to them since and now he thinks that because I have stopped talking to them, he intercepted something that would have got worse if he hadnt. He now doesn’t believe anything I say and keeps thinking I am going to be messaging or meeting other guys behind his back but I am not, I just want him. I don’t know what to do 🙁

Reply
    Kim L

    How about talking with him about it. Say you read this post (even share it with him) and it got you thinking about how you guys got off to a rocky start. See if he agrees with any of the points in the post and if he thinks they apply to you guys. Share how you think they may apply. Discuss with him how you folks can build trust and what each of you can do to nurture it. Have him talk about his worries and share yours; focus on your relationship and what it means to you both. Emphasize the good and how to build on that, and talk about future hopes.
    May you gain the cherishing relationship you deserve!
    -Kim

    Reply
Jaye

Ive been with my boyfriend now for 3 months , n I really think.he’s cheating he, still converses with a girl he.used to hook.up with, but he says they’re only friends, he gets soo pissed.at me.because I.always ask.him. If he’s cheating, he says he cnt take much more n he doesnt know how long he can stay if I keep doing iy… Need help please!!!!

Reply
    Kim L

    Jaye,
    Continued contact with an ex while in a relationship is a red flag, period. Once the line of friend is crossed by hooking up, sex, emotional intimacy, or anything past simple friendship, that line remains forever blurry and easy to cross. Discuss with your bf how serious this is even if he wants to minimize it. I know some people would say “you can’t tell him to not have female friends” but you can set the limit that you can’t be with him if he insists on being friends with someone he hooked up with. He can keep being friends with her, but just not with you around.
    You deserve someone who can give you all of himself without quibbling; ask for that.
    -Kim

    Reply
      Alison

      I’d actually have to disagree with you. My exes are the last people with whom I’d cross the line. If there’s anyone he does NOT have to worry about, it’s my exes. I’ve had them and I’m totally sure I don’t want them anymore. I figure it’s the same for him too most of the time. When it’s done, it’s done.

      Reply
TerpGirl

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and have 2 amazing children. He is accusing me of cheating and I know it’s because I’ve been distant, but it’s not because I’m cheating. I have been telling him for a LONG time now that I need him to make me feel wanted and put some thought and effort into me and he hasn’t. Every time I confront him all I get is excuses and still no effort, it’s been a full year. I know he’s not cheating on me and I wish I thought he’d believe me when I tell him I’m not cheating, which I have told him repeatedly that I’m not. He’s a great guy, but I sometimes feel like the guy I fell in love with is gone and this new version doesn’t feel the need to make me happy. This is why I’ve been distant, because I keep hoping that he’ll see me pulling away and he’ll fix it and grab back. Well, last week he did. I stayed out a happy hour, really because I got caught up in a sports game and didn’t want to leave. He is so paranoid because me being out late is a “red flag” to him. We talked from the time I got home until the sun came up about it and the accusations. He says I’m a problem and I need help, so he wants to see a counseler, which I’m happy about, and I have contacted someone locally and I’m waiting on a reply. However I had/have reservations about contacting a counseler because I’m afraid it’s going to come out that I’m just not happy anymore and I don’t know if he can change it, what if he can’t?

Reply
    Kim L

    Terpgirl,
    If nothing changes, nothing changes. Going to a counselor is a change and hopefully they will act as a mediator such that you both can hear each other and work on your own part in the relationship. There is no guarantee that things will work out- any counselor that promises that would be lying. However, I can tell you if you go and work on yourself and your relationship you will never go back to that same painful relationship. Hopefully your husband can do the same. I wish you both all the best with the healing.
    -Kim

    Reply
Chouchi

Hi I’m Moroccan, I have this problem with my Boyfriend he’s all the time doubting me, and he can’t understand that I love him and I want no one but him, he actually knows that but still he’s accusing me and this is freaking me out and so afraid of loosing him, I can’t even answer my phone when I’m with him though I know that no one has my number, this situation is making me sick and tired I want him to change and I keep telling him that but he just doesn’t, at the same time I can’t give up on him cz I love him, And I reaaaaaaaally need some help here thank you so much

Reply
    Kim L

    Moroccan,
    Ask him to read this post and see if any of the things mentioned are what he is bothered by. Make sure you aren’t doing any of the things which might trigger him and look at him to see if he’s got the history which might be making him accuse. Talk with him about why he feels insecure about you. If he’s still struggling, ask him to go see a counselor to help you two come to some understanding.
    Best of luck. Everyone deserves to be truly cherished.

    Reply
Grant S

its good to see im not the only guy that gets accused of cheating when im not.
I have been on and off with my girl/ex for4 years. we lived together for 2 years, and she kicked me out and im fine with that as i was starting to get frustrated with her, now, living sperately…(back at my parents) she has accused me of cheating non stop, i barely talk to anyone, she has stopped me talkin to friends, going to the pub, basicly doing anything. and i have not gine anywhere other then the shops for about 2 years now, but im constantly getting accused of cheating. she also wants the password to my facebook so i give it to her, but when i ask for hers she says i dont deserve it? Now im not F*****g genius but she is either cheating or wanting out of the relationship. and when i finally leave her she beggs me to come back after about 2-3 days of no contact, bascily she doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me. girls always complain theres not many decent guys out there, but when a decent one comes along all she does is complain and say hes cheating. i have blamed it all on me for years…thinkin i was doing something wrong or do i make her think im cheating, but friends have told me it isnt me, family also have said it isnt me, even her own family said they know i havent done anything. so is she really cheating? does she really want oout? i hate it lol

Reply
    Kim L

    Wow, Grant, that does not sound fun… actually, it sounds like a lot more than the accusations of cheating are problematic in your relationship. Does she want out? I don’t know, but she is being abusive. If you have done things in the past to make her worry about cheating, own up to it; however, if she can’t respect trustworthy behavior, then it may be time to move on. Ask yourself why you keep going back and then go talk to a professional about it. The history you quickly outlined is not one I’d wish on any couple, get some help for yourself so you can decide what sort of relationship you really want.
    All the best with your work!

    Reply
Rose Jones

thank you for this post, it sounds like a lot of people found it helpful as well. I also wanted to say if anyone is being abused they can call the domestic violence hot line and get support from trained pros on what to do and make a safety plan 1−800−799−SAFE(7233), intimate partner violence is a national health problem, there are people who can help.

I have recently been accused and he has not said what he is upset about, I am really honest and in touch with my feelings. I know I am going through a lot and distant, which you mentioned and I bet that is why he is accusing me, I was gone all day one day volunteering at a horse farm and he accused me of cheating. I thought he was joking, but he was not. Hope we can get through this time.

Reply
    Kim L

    Rose,
    You are right to mention the national domestic violence hotline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233)). Please, please, please, people, don’t put up with any sort of abuse, get help and get educated. If you suspect a friend or family member is being abused, get yourself educated so you can assist them in going for help.
    I’m sorry to hear, Rose, that your partner is accusing you. Hopefully you folks can have a good serious of discussions about what is going on that he is thinking those things. You can even show him this post and tell him you wondered if he felt that way because you’ve been distant. If it keeps up and you folks are stuck, don’t hesitate to go for some help. All the best with it.
    -Kim

    Reply
emotionally wrecked

Im with a guy for 2 years now. he’s very possessive and obsessive. He keeps asking me if im cheating and i keep telling NO IM NOT. We see each other every day, every night so i thought to myself how on earth could i possibly be cheating!!!!?? he then reckons i dont see him all day during the week and then i picked up: Im at work all day so he actually thinks im having an affair at work? Theres a 56 year old guy who helps me deal with work related problems, i told my boyfriend how he would tell me to just ignore the people at my workplace..one day i actually cried because the 3 girls i work with were like bitches around me so this “56 year old man” came to me and saw me crying he told me to lift my had up and not show them my weakness, anyway so i told my boyfriend about that and he flipped out!! he told me im opening up my feelings to this guy whereas i should be doing it with him instead but thats just it i do inform my boyfriend about what has been happening! so them my boyfriend accuses of me of sleeping with this guy! a guy that is old enough to be my freaken father!!!!! he accused me of sleeping with this guy at my workplace!!! what do i do???nothing he says is true! he always thinks the most nasty things about me! we broke up but we know deep down we still want to be together…what do i do?:(

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    Kim L

    Unfortunately, unless he works on his obsessiveness and possessiveness you folks don’t have much of a chance for a healthy relationship, Emotionally Wrecked. Even more worrisome is the fact that those behaviors are often the beginnings of abuse which no one should put up with. If he really wants to be with you and you with him then seek professional help — first as individuals then once you both have your feet on the ground and if you decide to give it a try, go as a couple. If he is unwilling to take a serious look at himself with a professional, then it won’t get better. Same goes for you.

    Reply
kat

Ive been married for 5 years and we dated for 2 years before getting married and for the last year I have sat back and listened to my husband accuse me of cheating its now getting to the point of no return I’ve reassured him that I’m not cheating and that I never have but the aqusations are still happening and its getting in the way of everything we have 2 kids together but he just won’t believe me I don’t know what to do anymore I know its come from his insucurities but I’ve now had enough of him not trusting me I can’t even go out with out him saying something when I get back PLEASE HELP ME AND MY MARRAGE

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    Kim L

    Kat,
    I sometimes sound like a broken record in this, but seek professional help. If you and your husband can’t straighten it out in a reasonable amount of time (a year is too long,) then you need help. A professional is a neutral 3rd party who can act as a bridge to help you hear each other. It may also help if you each were in individual sessions to work on your insecurities and strengths. It is very true that there is no healthy relationship if one or both of the individuals are unhealthy.

    Reply
Zoe

my boyfriend of almost 3 years has recently accused me of cheating with a guy i work with, reason being is that i deleted the messages that this guy sent, his question is why i deleted them if nothing is going on, my reason was because the messages annoyed me since i do not like this guy and even wanted to block him from my social network. i’ve tried to explain to him but his so convinced that i am cheating while at work. We have a son together and i love him, but he does not trust me.

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    Kim L

    Zoe,
    Talk with your boyfriend about what other things have lead up to this conviction he has. Discuss what things are making him uncomfortable and how he and you can help the comfort return. Ask him to read this post and see if any of the ideas in it resonate with him. Lastly, if you guys can’t figure it out together, ask a professional for some help with it.
    FYI, it is a fallacy that unmarried couples shouldn’t need counseling. The smart ones know the learning to be gained from counseling makes for a more successful relationship in the long run!

    Reply
Yvette Simpson

Hi

My boyfriend has cheated on me and he has told me that it was wrong and he cares for me, but he also has female friends that he interacts with women on face book and when we discuss its an arguement. I take him back because I care for him but I know he is very controlling and probally doesn’t care about me at all. At times I feel like I am not what he wants or not attractive to him but he tells me all the time that I am fine. I don’t think he realizes what or how he makes me feel even when he tells me he is sorry he still does it. He accuses me of cheating on Thursdays when all I do is go to work and run errands for my parents. He is ver nasty towards me and says enough of your Thursday games and tells me to go away and doesn’t say sorry or anything I cry and know that he doesn’t love me but I don’t know how to leave him when I try to he comes back and says he misses me. But why does he do that to me.

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    Kim L

    Yvette,
    If, as you said, he is controlling, then it is no surprise he does the things he does. If he cheated on you, then “female friends” really aren’t an option because it isn’t trustworthy behavior. Why, if “he probably doesn’t care for me at all” are you with him? Nastiness, threats, and demands that you leave are abusive. The best thing you can do for any of your relationships is to get yourself steady and strong, then you can decide if you want to be with someone who treats you well and cherishes you or someone who doesn’t.

    Reply
Jb

My girlfriend of 4 years was told the other day that I stayed at a house with another girl about 2 years ago! At this time me and my girlfriend weren’t talking and on a break, she thinks I slept with this other girl but I didn’t, I stayed in the spare single room upstairs while the girl slept downstairs with her friend! I’ve told my partner the truth and so have other people but she won’t believe me, she has kicked me out of the family home (we have a son together) I don’t know what to do or how to get her to believe me!?

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    Kim L

    Jonny,

    You can’t make anyone do anything, include believe you; however, you can ask your girlfriend to have a discussion about it. Remember, she is just hearing about this and is very upset and probably very hurt. Many people cover pain by being angry. Respect and talk about her pain and how abrupt this is for her to hear about this event even if it did happen during a “break”. Respect that she might not trust you about it for a while until she sees you are truly committed to her and your son.

    Also think seriously about what else might be not working in your relationship that her first move is to kick you out. Do you folks need to work on the relationship? It sounds like it. Talk to her about that, too.

    Reply
Velda

My boyfriend have all of a sudden accused me of cheating which i am not. What really hurts is that he truly believe i am cheating and would not listen to what i have to say and he has even told me to get out of his house since i am leaving at his parents house. I truly do not want to leave as i am innocent and do not understand his sudden outburst as we were ok eventhough we had some problems several months ago when i swore at him infront of his mates because he was acting disrespectful towards me. I really dont know what to do should i just leave or try and get his parents and my parents to talk to him?

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    Kim L

    Velda,
    Is your boyfriend disrespectful regularly? He was in front of his mates, and he’s being so now by threatening to throw you out without a real discussion. Disrespect is serious and damaging and a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. If he can’t sit down and talk with you about his concerns and continues the disrespect, yes, you should find a healthier place to live. You deserve respect and cherishing.

    Reply
Heathery

My boyfriend has accused me of cheating several times from his friends to his own cousins. I really don’t know what to do. We have been together for going on five years and have two sons together. I love him and I have did nothing but love him so I really do not get why I am constantly being accussed of cheating and I don’t do nothing. I am a young girl and I honestly feel like I am wasting my life and I want to be happy and just live life. Its like he just thinks negative things about me and it really hurts me because I know I am not that type of person. I already know I can do better and be much happier by myself but for some reason nomatter how much he hurts me I stand won’t leave I just do now understand why is it so hard for me to just walk out of the down.

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    Kim L

    Heathery,
    When you have good boundaries you realize these sorts of accusations are about your partner, not you. Check yourself through the suggestions above- see if he can talk about it and what is really bothering him. But if he continues to be abusive- and being constantly negative about someone is abusive- then work on your own inner strength. No one deserves to be repeatedly hurt. Everyone deserves to be cherished.

    Reply
      angelo caswell

      I was talking my girlfriend out cause she wanted to go out to this place and when we got there her ex-boyfriend was there so she started moaning about him and watching his every move and I got so angry I stand up and walk out when I came back in she was all over him she then see me and came back to me didn’t talk to me cause she didn’t feel ok I stand up again and walk out to get fresh air for the second time I came in she was by him

      Reply
    Crystal

    i have bee accused of sleeping with the WHOLE band I play with. He is insecure it does not matter what you do he will think what he thinks.

    Reply
      Rebecca

      Wow! You actually get to play with a Band???!!!!! Wish I could, But he would accuse me of the same things…. It would be awesome to flex some drums with a band though…………

      Rebecca

      Reply
    Stephanie

    Dear heathery,
    I been withsomeone for four years and this the fourth time hes accused me of cheating .the frist time he that i was at the mall with a dude never was i was by myself the second time he thoughtit was with his baby mothers bf we never did anything third time hethought i was witj ssomeone out of state. The fourth time he thought i was cause my co worker had gave me a ride home but she had to go to the grocery store she asked me to go with her just because i was hanging with her for four hours he dont believe me i shouldn’t have to explain myself at all im.tjirty eight years old not a teenager. I believe the only reson he accused me of cheating because he was because the frist time he was messing around with his baby ma her own bf told me this the second time he disappear didnt come home till one the after noon the next day the third time it was someone at work and this last time i had caught him .he always hurting me by accusing me all the time always making me cry and streesed out

    Reply
Ry

Explain this: literally every day my gf asks me “do you really love me?” Or “are you sure you love me?” She is quite possessive, and no matter how many times I reassure her “yes I love you” I still get the same question each day. Is this a similar situation to the above? We’ve been dating for almost a year, and this has been occurring for several months. I’ve never cheated on her, but one time last summer she saw me make out with a girl at a club while we were casually dating – she was on and off with her ex at the time. Several months after that, i left my email logged in on her computer and she went through my mail to find I actually had sex with that girl that night. That event was a year ago – when we weren’t exclusive and she was still dating her ex.

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    Kim L

    Ry,
    Although it may be tough, ask her what makes her ask you if you love her. Check out with her what she is looking for from you. Is it reassurance that she is lovable? (Read that to mean she wants you to tell her how and why you love her- with compliments.) Does she want a deep discussion about your relationship? Is it because she is thinking about that other girl? (Even though you were only casually dating it can hurt.) Ask her what you can do or say differently to help her trust that you do love her. Make it clear you want her to feel comfortable and happy with you. Sometimes the “do you love me” question is about them, not you; she may be feeling unlovable for some reason and needs reassurance.
    You can’t know how to react and what she needs unless you ask. Say, “Hey, I noticed you’ve been asking me this for a little while now; could you tell me what’s up that you are thinking about this? Is there something that needs to change? What can I do to help you out with feeling like I do love you?”
    Let me know how it goes!

    Reply
    bf

    Give it up, I speak from experience.. Although I’m sure that since this was posted a year ago- you already have seen this advice come into fruition. Hopefully your relationships are smoother now, as I know some people characteristics are a curse (meaning everyone you get with has this characteristics- somehow!) I am a weirdo magnet for sure.. Sadly….. Stay Safe!

    Rebecca

    Reply
      some dude

      If you don’t have a kid with this woman, move on. It will only get worse. So fucking sick of this constant need of validation from these women. What is SHE doing to make herself feel more secure? Is SHE working on herself to raise her own self esteem? And you’re telling me that while you slept with some girl at a club that she wasn’t sleeping with her ex? Stop making stupid concessions for unstable women. Their happiness is NOT your job. Go have fun with your life. This is not worth it.

      Reply
    Concern wife

    I’ve been married for three years and since the day we got married this man has accused me of cheating. We broke up for a few months and got back together, after a month he got back on I’m cheating. I asked him was he happy he turned it on me and ask me. So I told him “No”, because I’m working two jobs and I’m tired of being accused of cheating and selfish. At times when I have extra money I will suggest we do something as a couple and he’ll always suggest the kids to go. Like he never want time alone and when it’s time for sex he was just turn over or react like i’m raping him or something. What do a wife to do in a situation like this.
    PS.. He always think of a reason for him to go over to his parents house or something outside to work on.

    Reply

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